Seeing my dad with my step-niece is painful

[stepdaughtermums]

My step-sister had a baby 7 months ago. My step-mum and my bio dad live close to her and as such spend a lot of time with one another.

FaceTime with my dad today, and he's at her house holding my baby step-niece. I find this really painful, whilst knowing it's quite an irrational way to feel. It seems to bring back old feelings of being replaced, and I worry he'll have a lesser relationship with my children. (He absolutely loves my children but it does still sting).

Also, I'm a bit jealous that she has loads of help on hand whereas I've had none. My fault and choice one could argue, I moved counties (however my dad did move towns when he and my mother divorced so there's always been physical distance between us).

Not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe some other step-daughter mums feel the same?

Be glad you have family

Offs

Jeez, that's not helpful, and someone always has to post this when an OP is asking for support.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It must sting a little.

I think you can reframe this. Its ok for it to be painful/sting a little.

But he isnt 'doing it to you' nor is anyone. Its just the situation due to distance. I think once you stop thinking 'its being done to you' you feel less resentful and less of a victim. And just have a twinge of sadness at how circumstances turned out.

Its tricky in many many families even full siblings where one set of grandchildren live closer and the others don't.

I am sure if you announced you were moving round the corner next week.

What a nasty response

I feel you OP.

My step sister is always at my dads and step mums. I see my dad maybe twice a year.

He helps her with DIY, car shopping, she helps with his business.

I get a phone call every 6 months, and when he went into hospital I was called when he's already been in a full day and only because "oh I suddenly though someone needs to tell spiderplant"

It's hard not take it personally. I'm nearly 40 but the feeling of abandonment makes me feel like such a child!

What makes you think you're being replaced? People have room for multiple people in their lives.

You moved countries, I think this is on you. You can't expect your Dad to ignore his wife's family in case of how it might make you feel.

I absolutely understand your feelings and how painful and sad this can be. I also have a step family, and we've been pushed out really for the 20 years they've been in our lives. My mum died and my dad remarried very quickly. My 3 step sibs are all older than me, they got married first, they had babies first. All of the firsts were theirs. My dad lives closer to them all, spends more time with them, knows the grandchildren better. In 20 years I've seen him for Christmas 3 times. They babysit the other grandchildren, not ours. It's really, really tough. He is largely absent from our lives and I am deep down, hurt resentful and sad about it.

I have made some peace by a lot of compartmentalising and self care. Also a self preservation of it is what it is. But it's sad.

I'm sorry this is happening to you too.

It does sound as though this is bringing up longstanding feelings. Understandable.

Counties.

He moved first?

Sorry counties, but why mention it from your point of view if its not relevant?

He is allowed to have people in his life as well as you and your kids.

Don't be such a fanny 🙄

Your feelings are totally natural and normal OP.

It must have been painful when he moved away after the divorce.

She's glad she's not a dickhead like you.

That's like saying 'at least you have skin' to someone with skin cancer

I'm always amazed at how many people expect other people's feelings to be completely rational. They often aren't - but that doesn't mean she should or could switch them off.

In this case OP I think you are feeling echoes of an earlier sense of being replaced, and this is very understandable. It's good that you can identify and articulate those feelings.

It makes me think that his moving away from you was handled very badly at the time. Also that he must still be somewhat emotionally closed off if he can't predict that you will likely feel sad that he's not local and giving you the same level of help and support. He might not be able to fix it - but him saying 'I'm sorry I'm not there to be with you and (names of kids) more' would go a long way, wouldn't it?

Is it something he would be able to hear, if you raised it? You could say that you know it probably couldn't be helped but that you've always had a sense of sadness and, if you're honest, rejection that doesn't seem to have gone away, and it's coming back up again now?

If he's emotionally mature he should be able to handle this without feeling attacked, but only you will know whether or not that is the case.

You have two threads with near-identical first posts on the go regarding this, how about contacting Mumsnet to get one of them removed?

Love doesn't divide- it multiplies.

Your Dad sounds like a good man. You'll all be fine.

Would people considering posting stupid shite like this just please, stop and think? It’s pointless. And mean spirited. And makes you look a total twat.

People are allowed to be sad about things, even though some people have worse things happening.