Can’t get over DM lack of support

[Giveupnow]

Very long story, as these things always are, but I will try and keep it short.

I’m heart broken about my mums lack of interest in me and DC. Previously until I was late 20s we were incredibly close, think girly weekends away, she knew everything in my life, texted most days etc. I live about 3 hours away. Dad is very controlling and difficult. They are obsessed with travelling abroad and hate spending time in the uk, and therefore around family!

I’m not sure why but several things happened around covid times, my brother moving back and DM being involved with his DC, I had a tough time with infertility then 2 very traumatic births. My DC are now 3 & 1, and I’m heart broken that she just doesn’t seem interested. She didn’t support me when I was very unwell after the birth, said she “didn’t want to over-step”. This is a women who previously felt she was entitled to a say in everything in my life and over involved to a fault. I’ve since had a really difficult few years and told her recently how low I felt - I explicitly said I was having “a nervous breakdown and I am really not well”. So she knew. I’ve tried to explain how I felt but she minimised it and said she tried her best.

They’ve gone off travelling, which is fine, but she has barely contacted me in 2 months. Hasn’t asked how I am.

I’m not expecting to burden her. I’m not expecting her to stop travelling and do regular child care. I’m not expecting her to be my therapist and for me to emotionally dump on her and moan. I’ve supported her a lot over the years main lot with her unhappy marriage to my dad. I guess I just wish she had text me. Asked how I was. It shows such a lack of care. I tried to move on after the births thinking maybe she didn’t know or she tried her best, but this is just the same again. I’m heartbroken and don’t know how to have a ‘lesser’ relationship with her.

Seems I need to just accept a superficial/ see her every few months and make small talk sort of relationship. But I miss her and feel so rejected. I’m not sure how to move on and just accept she doesn’t want to be that involved.

im having counselling but I can’t seem to move on from this issue. I don’t know how to accept what the relationship is, compared to what it was before and what I want it to be.

This sounds very tough op.

Do you think that your dm is not good at facing emotional problems. Someone who can’t handle anything upsetting in life so was close pre ivf and dc etc but now finds it easier to emotionally pull away?

Or perhaps your df is even more controlling.

I think you need to keep the lines of contact open but with no expectations.

Mine is the same. I thought we were best friends until I had (still very young) children and she literally could not care less. We moved house 18 months ago (around a 12 minute drive from her home) and she hasn't ever visited. My DF sounds similar, too.

It's been heartbreaking. I'm accepting our relationship as 'functional' at best and am grieving what we have lost.

Sorry this isn't helpful, OP. Just want you to know you aren't alone. 💐

@srood thank you for you post. I’m so sorry.

how have you accepted it? I can’t seem to and it’s causing the relationship to deteriorate further. I am angry as I feel disappointed and rejected, and so whenever we do spend time together it’s not necessarily pleasant as I can be snappy.

she seems oblivious to the underlying problems and seems would happily just meet 2-3 times a year (on the ‘big’ occasions) and smile and make small talk. Job done. If I can accept that, at least I will have that.

@SignoraVolpe yes I need to let go of my expectations, definitely. I just have no idea how to do that! I think I’m grieving what the relationship was, and what it could be.

I’m so sorry OP, that sounds incredibly hard: like grieving an incomplete - & very confusing - loss.

When you were younger were you essentially available to your mother entirely on her terms? No competition for her affection she couldn’t dismiss? You never had to cancel time with her for a partner?

It may be that she knows your children [will] come first & has chosen to “reject you first” as it were. If you are chasing her for contact & desperate for what she offers, she feels you still want & need her; & she keeps dictating terms.

That is guesswork, you’ll know if it feels/seems likely.

To feel better? Time, I fear - has your counsellor suggested anything?

A few things stuck out to me.
• husband is very difficult and controlling
• brother moved closer to home with family.

I 'm thinking emotional burnout from your mother. Obviously I don't know, but if she's been dealing all her life with a controlling partner, and possibly shielding her children from his ways whilst growing up, then she won't have had much room for herself as an individual .
The relationship you had in you 20's, as an adult was balanced, fun for both of you, but didn't require for your mother to be in a supportive role. She probably felt relaxed.

Your justifiable need of support over the last few years however is possibly too much for her to manage, especially since you live 3 hours away and she can't just pop in to give a hand once or twice a week. The type of help she gives to your brother who lives close by will be different to what she could give to you.

Life is tough with little kids, and whilst grandparents who are in a good, relaxed relationship, and haven't got other major caring commitments, or a demanding job, can be a real god sent for parents, not all are in that position.

It sounds to me that she just doesn't have enough emotional energy left to help you in the way you would have wanted. To me that doesn't mean that she doesn't care or love you, it means that real life has got in the way.

I know my mother would do anything to help me, but she also couldn't really help while mine were small for many reasons, but mostly because she was emotionally worn out dealing with her day to day life and because I too didn't live close by.

My first thought was that she only wanted lots of contact with you when it was for fun stuff. Girly weekends, shopping, meals out etc etc. Maybe you were a way of being out of the home and away from your dad.

I know my ex’s parents didn’t have a good marriage but found they got on better when they were travelling.

Maybe now you are not so available to ‘escape’ with, and you have other priorities like your DH and children, you don’t provide her with fun stuff that she feels she ‘needs’.

She could always have been like this, or if she has a difficult marriage using others like this has become her habit (ie some people take to alcohol). It could be because she is struggling so much, she has stopped really thinking of what she can do for others, and only thinks of what others can do for her.

Maybe she has found your brother or someone else to replace you to achieve the fun times again.

Whatever the reason, you will still need to deal with the fallout this will be causing you.

I had never received much caring from my own mother. I had always put it down to her difficult childhood, a poor marriage and having to be a single mum.

But I realised in my thirties when I had my own child, that my mother was only about herself and how others could be of use to her. I never really reconciled myself to this.

The only positive was that I became the sort of mother that I had wanted and I believe I did a good job of making sure my child (now adult) knows she is loved and even now I would be ready to drop everything if she needed me.

Well done on seeking therapy.

OP please don't let this ruin your life. It is totally understandable that you feel disappointed and let down but dwelling on this could jeopardise your marriage and your relationship with your children.

You say you supported your mother through her marriage struggles and it seems you were a distraction with the fun girly times you shared. You reminded her of being young and carefree. Could the mother/daughter lines have been blurred? Hence the reason she has backed away when you have needed her emotional support. You have children and responsibilities - you are a grown up now.

Could writing her a letter help. Say how much you miss her, tell her that you feel rejected and let down. Tell her she is missing out on wonderful grandchildren. Poor it all out. You don't have to send it. But it could be an outlet.

Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws? Can you build on the other relationships - siblings, aunts, cousins, friends etc. It won't replace your mother but it will give you something positive to focus on.

Good luck OP