Anyone else feels almost permanently lonely?

[rainymood]

I feel so incredibly lonely, most of the time. I guess I'm wondering if it's just me or if it's a very normal feeling and people simply don't talk about it. Obviously, social media and our perception of how everyone else's lives are don't help...

For context, I'm a stay at home mum and I'm not from the UK although I've lived here for years. So I don't have the same network of school, uni, childhood friends a lot of people seem to have. I also don't have my family here and, in any case, my family, although very educated, is very messed up and emotionally draining. Both my parents come from emotionally abusive homes so I know they are damaged themselves and perhaps don't know how to be supportive because they've never been supported by their parents. The result is - I speak to them every couple of weeks or so but we are not "close". I don't get any support from them and our lives are so dramatically different that they just don't understand it.

I have an OK relationship. My husband is a very good man although not the most emotionally supportive or open. He loves me by doing things and by being strong, reliable and loyal rather than by saying things or talking about things. I know it's something to be appreciated in many ways but it sometimes makes me feel very alone at home.

There was a time when kids were very young when I built connections with other mums and I thought we could become long-term friends. However, London is so transient and some moved away, lots went back to work (not all though) and these friendships seem to have evaporated. When I bump into them it's all lovely and we have a quick chat in the street but the deeper connection is now gone. The same is true for some of the "friends" I made through dog walking and other activities. It all feels so transient and superficial.

The thing is - I seem to be generally very liked, I know people find it easy to talk to me and a lot of people comment on how they feel they can tell me things without being judged. I'm very educated and I had a very good and interesting career before becoming a mum. It was a very demanding career though, with lots of pressure and long hours, so now, with two kids, a dog and my husband also having a big demanding job, going back to work would be possible but hard for me and would make our family life very stressful. I don't miss work although I miss the social aspect of it.

When I get upset or depressed because of it, my husband keeps explaining to me that people's lives are simply very busy with kids, work, families and old friends they've had since school / uni. So, although people like me, noone is really looking for "new friends" at this stage of our life, as they just can't invest and fit new friends in and simply don't need them.

Is he right? Is this true? Why, despite being liked, I seem to struggle to form deeper connections and lasting friendships? I seem to get to a certain point and then hit the brick wall. Is it really to do with "the stage in our lives" or with being foreign and relatively uprooted in London?

Recently, this feeling of loneliness and isolation is killing me.

Does anyone else feel this way? Obviously, my brain often chooses to get fixated on random FB posts, conversations about people "going away with friends", seemingly socialising all the time etc...

Hi you are definitely not alone with that feeling. my situation is completely different to yours and probably not as secure but I am very lonely most of the time. just came back from a short solo holiday and am now feeling more isolated than ever! that is the only solace to offer I'm afraid

At least you have a husband. I too have no friends and often go days without speaking to any adult at all. In the school holidays it can often be up to a week with zero adult interaction if I don't need to go to a shop and nobody calls me. I get excruciatingly lonely.
On school days I sometimes (but not always) get to the a brief cursory few words with another parent at pick up but that's it and that will of course stop eventually when primary school ends.
You're not the only one feeling like this, for what it's worth. You'll meet friends eventually.

Would you join something? I walk on monday evenings not deep close friends but gets me out house. My friend does kickboxing and yoga. One from group did cinema with me so it does lead to social nights. Its not easy but found I had to get myself out there a bit

I am very lonely too. I put it down to my age and peri menopause. My position is similar to yours in that I am a stay at home mum. My husband works away but he's a very good husband if a little selfish at times.

I am educated and had a great career before having a child with additional needs. Now they are all at school and I'm left behind. The lack of adult communication is shit. I care for my mother with dentistry and she's emotionally destitute and nasty as sin.

I'm going for HRT this week. It's
Got to help.

What age are you OP?

I think you've described a situation in which anyone would feel lonely - being a SAHM with kids who aren't little any more, living away from their own country so no local ties, a family that isn't close anyway, and a DH who isn't big on comms. So while it's not necessarily normal to feel so lonely, that's because other women will be working, will be living in their home country or even home town, and will have closer relationships with their family and different set-ups with DH. They're the ones who won't necessarily be looking for new friends on the level you need them, so it will be harder to form those deeper bonds, especially in a transient area, but not impossible. Do you have to be a SAHM? What do you do for yourself activity-wise that isn't related to the DC? All the good friends I've made in my 30s and 40s have been through work and doing social activities outside of work that are related to my career. Without that, I'd be lonely in London too as it's true, people are busy and have their own lives.

I am not from the UK either and have no childhood or uni friends here. Neither is my DH. I have bouts of loneliness. I do work but I WFH mostly and don't have the prospect of changing it much.

I have moved around a lot for both DH and my jobs. I also struggle with lasting friendships, though I have a few. I find most people don;t have room for more friends.

Being an immigrant is always lonely when you get down to it. However, I don't think I will be any less lonely back home, as people have moved on and my family is scattered across the world. My only sibling is a migrant in yet another country.

It's modern life, isn't it? Mobility has given great gifts, but it has also taken away.

Same for me, single parent. It's incredibly lonely and no husband / partner also means I go days and even weeks without speaking to any other adults

I have joined a lot of similar groups. Takes a while to form friends though. I would call most of them acquaintances. Still, better than nothing. My DC are grown so easier for me to get out.

OP, would expat groups from your country of origin help? I tried some of those but they were too parochial for me, and my interests were different. But they may help you.

I’m afraid this is modern life.

People are globally mobile so they are thousands of miles away from family and old friends, but unable to make new ones because opportunities to socialise don’t arise as often.

Or you’re a fish out of water socially or economically and can’t find likeminded people around you.

I can understand why you’re reluctant to take on a professional role if your family is not set up for two working parents. Could you instead take on a occasional voluntary or organisational role, perhaps in your children’s school? Or in your community?

Could you join a book club, or an in-person course? Museums and art galleries often run classes for enthusiasts. Anything based around a hobby or interest is a good idea because you’ll have something in common immediately.

If you’re observant, you will see there is always someone in your environment who seems very smiley and warm. Always make a beeline for the warm people, not the cool people.

Also, if I might suggest something make a beeline for the lonely people, or people who have more time
So
immigrants
British people new to your city
Empty nesters
The child free
Those who WFH and don't like it much.

I don't necessarily make friends only with people my age. I am open to all types of friendships. They don't all have to be deep.

I think it’s because people no longer live in communities, OP. They find communities online or in the workplace, or as hang-over social groups from school or university. It’s hard to break into these.
Try to get a ‘job’ rather than your old career, and the sort of job where you really share experiences with colleagues. Maybe part time healthcare assistant in a hospital? Community Support police officer? Teaching assistant? Or a voluntary role like the Red Cross or at a Hospital tearoom?

@swiftieNI snap! We seem to be living parallel lives! Both my kids have additional needs. This is one of the reasons I decided not to go back to work. Plus it was all too exhausting at some point to even consider it. Being at home with kids like this makes an enormous difference. They are both very high functioning now and doing really well at school but, as you will know yourself best, it's taken years of effort and dedication... With both about to be in senior schools now, I feel less worried about them now but yes, I feel left behind now they are older and settled... My husband keeps telling me that they are where they are because of me and the sacrifices I've made but sometimes it all still feels shit.

And I'm your age... Late 40s :-) have been on HRT for a year - it helps a bit with anxiety I think bit not much...

Thank you all for such understanding and warm responses. @Pinkdelight3 I think I had to be a SAHM as both my kids have additional needs. However, they are older now, doing really well and more independent. The little one will go to the senior school next year so I should have more time to do more things for myself with no school runs to worry about etc... @Astonetogo great suggestions and you are absolutely right, perhaps a part time job, not a career. I was telling someone a few weeks ago - because of my previous jobs were very full on and stressful, I think I'm struggling to imagine what a "normal job" is and perhaps I'm a bit scared... @Sususudio you are so right about many things and yes, I tend to connect more with other foreigners too, simply because they are also looking for connection! Don't think there are groups for my nationality although I suppose in London you could find anything if you look for it... I'm not overly keen though as I don't really feel my nationality anymore. I've been here for such a long time, I'm a blend!

You sound like in a very similar situation to me - foreign born (although I have relatives here but not anywhere nearby), SAHM, DH works long hours, few friends since DC and more like acquaintances etc. I have found that socially, becoming a SAHM has been a death knell in my friendships. Friends prior to DC have all returned to work and most look down their nose at me or are not interested anymore.

I’ve found that the pandemic affected some friendships that have never really recovered, and I felt so lonely seeing so many Facebook post screenshots of friends doing Zoom quiz’s and meet ups etc during the lockdowns. More recently my DM became terminally ill (NC but it’s thrown up lots of emotions re abuse from her) and I told two friends who’ve never asked again how I am feeling. Also had a milestone birthday and not a single friend remembered. It’s lonely.

I would love to return to work as I feel like that where the answer lies to not feeling so isolated, but primary school childcare in our town is dire and part-time jobs for 9-3pm non-existent. Instead, I volunteer 15 hours a week in a charity office and have met lots of lovely people, both staff and volunteers. The other volunteers have all taken early retirement and their lives are in a different place to mine so no friendships have emerged sadly, but at least I get that regular people contact and it’s lovely whilst I’m there.

I’m a member of a book club that runs during school hours, and go to the gym, but again I have good conversations with nice people but make no friends. I was on the PTA for a year but it had a massive clique going on and I wasn’t welcome. Clearly I’m the common denominator here and one of society’s rejects, even though I think I’m a nice, decent person! All I can suggest is get involved in as many things as possible and you may meet your tribe.

Have you tried Bumble? There's a "friendship" setting.

Having come from a family with inter-generational mental health issues/trauma, I also struggle with making lasting friendships and loneliness. I wonder if there's a link?

Yes I found the PTA cliquey too. Def hard when we older. Sisters are different stages with kids too. Found friendships dipped after covid. I met a mum Friday knew her through kids sports. Nice get out or I see nobody

@Airworld sending you a big hug. I was a member of a book club but it has disintegrated. I think lockdown was also to blame here. I joined NCT when pregnant with my older child but the group has also totally disintegrated! A couple were foreign and went back to Australia and somewhere else, can't remember now. The rest have decided to move out of London, to the countryside or where their families were to help with childcare and to be able to buy a bigger house. Unlucky perhaps... I know people who still have a strong original NCT group and socialise with them all the time! I'm part of an exercise group - they are all lovely but, as you say, I have many lovely conversations with nice people but none of it goes further. The same with people I meet dog walking - I felt some really had potential, invited them round for wine and cheese around Christmas. Never got an invite back... I think I'm just so tired trying to invest and build something and getting nothing or little back. PTAs tend to be nasty and clicky! I'm not surprised you felt disappointed. I've never joined one as I know a few people who have had their fingers burnt. I was also part of a local SEN group but it's also fallen apart with kids getting bigger and going to senior schools. It's just so so tiring and demotivating. I guess I have to keep trying... My husband keeps saying that things will probably get easier when everyone's kids get bigger. So, basically, when everyone becomes an almost empty nester. More time for people, less preoccupied with making friends for work connections or for children's sake but more looking for people one genuinely connects with...

@HebburnPokemon I do wonder if there is a link... Both my parents are also socially isolated and my mum has become bitter and quite nasty. She doesn't speak to anyone, including her sisters... It's making me so sad. I tried to call her a couple of weeks ago as felt lonely and upset and the phone call just reminded me why it really is best to call as little as possible, for my mental health...

I work remotely from home but working full-time and busy at weekends with house stuff I just don't ever have time to feel bored and need to develop friendship. I think if I had more time on my hands I would crave more social stimulation.

I feel very lonely too. In my case finding pen pals from all over the world has helped me form friendships and feel connected. Penpal world is a really good site. Not sure if it's helpful, but just a suggestion.

I understand op . Actually to a pp@Airworld I’ve been a sahm but worked freelance and had way more time to meet parents etc , now my kids are older I’m back working in my career and honestly although I speak to people at work it hasn’t opened up things for me socially. It’s all work related which is normal and my job is v v full on and target based too.
Like I said when my dcs were smaller I had a good few friends with small kids and we’d meet a lot . I’m back working now and I’m just so busy with that and 3 dcs, also the workload has massively increased now my dcs are older. Noone arranges stuff anymore, particularly after Covid. I totally echo another pp who talked about inviting people for drinks and food , we have and nothing back but people still come which is good. …
OP I have lots of family but I’ve no emotional or or practical support at all and never have . Not one member of my family have taken my dcs out or looked after them for even 5 seconds. I’m quite isolated in a way although it doesn’t seem like it from the outside….
Such is life. I am in a job which is all about supporting others, it’s an outreach role. I’ve now moved up in my job which is great but v v busy. I always think it’s ironic that I’m constantly signposting people to support or helping them access support when I’ve absolutely none myself…. Juggling childcare and my job is insane tbh and my dh is 100 percent hands on. I don’t have emotionally supportive parents and never have so I’ve had to navigate being on my own from teenage years onward and there was lots of issues and challenges but I had to deal with them on my own . My parents are elderly now and it’s all v nice and superficial, I visit when I can but due to work and lack of any childcare (almost non existent where we live ) it can be difficult.
I find it impossible to reach out or ask for help and although I get on well with people I’ve become more insular due to working all the time. People don’t ask me to do stuff etc and I guess I now don’t make the effort either , im in a country where everything is v family oriented and tbh i feel like an outlier as my family is Kindof odd that way .
I dont have any answers op but you aren’t alone .

Wow, this hit home. Are you parents still together?

When I visit my mum I always leave feeling melancholy, sad, hopeless. Her vibe really brings me down. There is a strong undercurrent of bitterness, spite and resentment coming from her. Also, she's a paranoid person - always looking for the worst in people. It's very draining. Sounds like you can relate?

I think the loneliness is sometimes linked to losing ourselves. We suddenly don’t belong anywhere, we lost our tribe.
Perimenopause also happens to coincide with giving our last fuck, suddenly our caring role/nature/expectations …. all gone. Very liberating, but it leaves a hole.
Time to reevaluate things.
Every 6 months I take stock.
6 areas: work/career, friendship/family, health, personal development, house/home and love/romance.
I limit myself to 3 things I’m unhappy with/can do better/need to do/must change.

It’s not a to do list, it’s just keeping track and being mindful of things.

Perhaps, if you take stock like that it will bring to the forefront issues that are basically underlying and contributing to how you feel.

@HebburnPokemon yes they are together but they hate each other. They've always hated each other - this is how I grew up... I asked my mum in the past why she hadn't left, she was so unhappy and unsupported for years (my dad is a very damaged person and has been a horrible father and partner to her, always in a passive aggressive way). She said it was partly a financial impossibility and party she didn't want to break the family and wanted us to have a normal home. It was everything but normal. I told her she didn't have to worry about the latter. I really think growing up with parents hating each other as much as mine did, seeing my father's coldness and selfishness and hearing the arguments and her constantly always screaming or crying... I really think growing up with a single mum would have been better. She meant well and I understand where her bitterness, anger and hatred come from, also knowing what I know about her childhood. So I understand but she is truly awful to be around, aggressive, incredibly paranoid, bigoted. She was always teaching me that all people are awful, selfish and nasty. Luckily, I'm not like this. I left home quite early and actually moved countries. I think it was a subconscious need to get away from home and save myself

Just because you see some people on Facebook going away with friends dosent mean everyone does this.
Also be careful what you wish for as friends can be hard work. Have you not noticed any of the I've fallen out with my friends posts on here.