To think we don't need to try so hard

[Hannahconda]

I am a naturally shy person and I can get nervous, but I've come out of my shell quite a lot. I'm single atm, looking, but it's tough. In general I seem to have quite 'geeky' interests and hobbies, things that tend to appeal moreso to men (obviously everyone's different). I tend to find that the men say we've got lots in common and that they really like talking to me. They say I'm funny and make them laugh.
They also seem to find me physically attractive however there seems to be something putting them off (they've not said this but I just assumed)

I do wonder if I try too hard. I think it stems from insecurity when I was younger and a couple of people said I was too quiet/boring/too shy. So now I really try with conversation.
It does flow naturally, but I do try to make the guys laugh and be engaging. I get told I'm positive and smile a lot, I don't think I'm very negative with these guys or complain a lot, but they can just sense something.

There's a young woman I work with, she's 23 so a decade younger. She's naturally very pretty and also very much a tomboy. She is quite quiet and reserved, she doesn't really approach people to chat at work whereas I do. I've noticed that men at work flock to her, and she's dating a guy at work who seems besotted with her. They mostly ignore me unless I seek them out first.

I know different people like different things, maybe I've just been unlucky. I probably sound a little jealous and bitter and ill readily admit I am. I'm also a decade older, but it just makes me wonder if I should be more blasé. I do just get on with my life, I don't make men the centre of my universe but I'm wondering how to still be engaging and interesting but not come across as try hard.

There's a guy at work who I don't fancy at all, I thought he had a great personality. I've tried to strike up conversation with him a few times and he replies nicely but he doesn't exactly go out of his way to talk to me.
I thought him and I had a good laugh, like he is nice to me but I can tell he's pretty indifferent. However I can see he has a huge crush on this woman, he is always going over to talk to her. I a just using her as an example, she's done nothing wrong, but I'm just wondering if I should try more of a don't care approach?

Wouldn’t you be trying even harder not to try?

The answer is being yourself. It’s twee and everyone goes through a period of really wanting it to be anything else, but it’s true.

Thank you. It's not in my nature to just sit pretty and say the minimum, you're right that I shouldn't try to change who I am. I used to be quite confident in myself and I need to regain that.
I have a lot of hobbies and do things like speak other languages, hopefully the right man will appreciate me for me.

You are too intelligent, interesting and outgoing for all these average Joes.

Just be true to your wonderful self and don't try too hard.
That is far more attractive!

Just be true to your wonderful self and don't try too hard.

I think op's question was where is the line between not trying enough and trying too hard.

This 👏

I think you just need to relax a bit OP, maybe without realising it you're too available to the men that you talk to, as in is it you that always starts a conversation, or do they come to you and start chatting? Have a think about it, do you see someone you know and automatically go up to them and start chatting, or do you sometimes just carry on as if they're not there and then they spot you and come and talk to you? If it's the former, then try being a little less available, let them do the work, as I'm afraid there are still guys out there who like to think that they're the hunter, and feel intimidated by women who seem a little too forward for want of a better expression. Of course I could be totally wrong, but it might be worth thinking about.

I have a lot of hobbies and do things like speak other languages, hopefully the right man will appreciate me for me.

There is the right man for you out there and he will appreciate you for you. You sound like a lovely and unique person, not run of the mill at all. He will be so glad he found you because he is also looking for that needle in the haystack.

You cannot force attraction. I do believe men don't mind the chase if it is something they want. So you can afford to play it cool, whilst being friendly to everyone as you do.

You just haven't met the right man yet, so do continue to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people. I truly wish you all the best and that love is just around the corner.

Have confidence in yourself. Of course you shouldn't have to preemptively change your personality to try and fit in.
Being jealous of a colleague 10 years younger because she has a boyfriend. Well..would you become more sexually assured and confident if she had no partners ever and cried into her pot noodle at her desk?
Just enjoy your hobbies, be genuine and people will appreciate it.

I could be overreaching but I wonder if you are coming across a bit too much like there are no chinks in your armour? I say this because I think this is where my sister goes wrong with both dating and making friends. She has her faults and her problems like everyone else in life but she always presents herself as if everything is great and life is a breeze for her, I think people find her too good to be true. It's great to be positive and approachable but people need to see a human side too, that could be what people see in your colleague?

The way you describe it, you’re behaving as though it’s your job to facilitate male conversation, and you’re just there to nod and smile and be positive and say ‘Oh, really?’ The focus is all on the other person, and you’re putting yourself in the secondary /listener position. I think this transmits itself to whoever you’re talking to. If you don’t think you’re worth my time, why would I?

Approach social interactions in terms of whether you like the other person/people, not wondering what effect you’re having on them.