Feel guilty only wanting one child, due to childhood trauma

[MissLou0]

Wasn’t sure where to put this to its in AIBU

I want to start by saying there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having an only child, my guilt stems more for my reasons for only wanting one.

My mother was very emotionally immature, she would constantly compare me and my sister, would have a different “favourite” (usually my sister) all the time, absolutely hated us being close, would be jealous of us being close and would try and triangulate us and make us fall out. We were close growing up (I’d say because we needed each other to survive our childhood) but we have drifted apart as adults.

I feel as though having two would be very triggering as I’d be constantly worried about favouring one, treating them differently, but at the same time I feel bad I’m denying them a sibling due to my trauma. It’s not because I only want one (which is a good reason for having an only child).

Not sure whether anyone has been through similar. Any advice/opinions would be great.

This seems fair enough and you seem very astute and aware of yourself

I was the wrong sex, my two siblings before me were the wrong sex. We’re only here because they kept trying for a boy.
Knowing you’re never going to be good enough because you aren’t what was wanted is a feeling that NEVER leaves you.

I only had one child because I wanted my child to know that they were absolutely perfect and more than enough for us.

Thank you for your responses!

@Seashor your issues seem similar to mine!

My issue with guilt is that I was so close with my sister and part of my feels guilty and like I should be trying to get therapy and getting over my trauma instead of only having one child, but I can’t afford therapy so no idea how I’d even start to do that

The book "Parenting your only child" may help - it goes through the various reasons for having and not having more children and puts them into perspective, challenging the assumption that having siblings is always best. I found it very useful in dealing with the guilt I felt relating to secondary infertility. There's also practical advice on offsetting the disadvantages.