To be fed up about getting being on the receiving end of the worst behaviour?

[GarbageBag]

Two DC. Younger one has SEN. They are so much more challenging for me. Bedtimes take ages, they push and push me. They don't do it for DH (their dad). The teachers and health visitor says 'you're their safe space so that is why you get the most challening behaviour' . I'm starting to think that is BS. And actually I'm just not good at parenting.

I find it very very hard to keep saying no when it's so relentless. Today I let my 5 year old mix all our coffee with a whole pint of milk because I just could not find the energy to say no and to have him get wound up and then have to do the whole gentle parenting thing, diversion tactics etc. I just let him do it - all the coffee and all the milk in the house - down the drain. i feel awful about myself as I watch him do stuff like that - knowing how pathetic i am as a mum.

DH is great with them. But he does none of the admin or housework or anything like that. I have thought about leaving him but to be honest - he seems better at parenting than me in lots of ways & the thought of being in this by myself is worse.

I have never been fatter, with less energy, less motivation. I feel totally worn down.

How can I stop getting such a rough parenting deal? I do all the admin and boring stuff - laundry, school shit, finding socks - and get all the worst behaviour. DH is loving being a dad, and I feel like i'm hating it a lot of the time.

Also - any advice on hormonal stuff? I don't know if it's my age (40 this year). I feel very hopeless about things. And very very tired. I feel roften randomly tearful. Its very unlike me and i hate it.

Please any reassuring words or advice. I'm at a loss.

You sound really fed up.
Why doesn't your husband help around the house more?
If you think you might be perimenopausal, go see your GP and ask for blood tests. At the least you might need some vitamins. I felt really rough recently and needed iron and vitamin D

He does bits, cooks meals. But he doesn't do any cleaning really and any of the "mental load". I have tried so much to talk to him and he just lists the last time he did something. He doesn't listen.

What would the doc being testing for with blood tests?

Yeah I am fed up. I can't see how to make anything better.

I DETEST the "you hurt the one you love" narrative.
And I think gentle parenting is really just beyond young children. All those explanations - they just don't understand.
At 5, he's old enough to understand simple expectations - you do your bedtime steps when you're told, you get a story. You do it too late, no time for story. Look at where the clock numbers are.
I've told you to put that milk down, if you listen, you get TV for half an hour after breakfast. If you carry on, no TV.
It must be immediate at that age, though, I'd say.

It is very hard to feel good about yourself as a parent. There is such a lot of pressure, and it all matters so very much because they are our precious children. Their triumphs are their own, but we feel that any "shortcomings" are down to us.

Please believe me that you are a good parent. Poor parents tend not to have any insight or reflection on their parenting, you do. Your child is obviously deeply loved and cared for, so try not to worry - five year old are curious, and also lack reasoning skills. I think I might have thoroughly enjoyed mixing the coffee and milk when I was five. My mum still mentions the time when she gave me all her lentils, dried peas etc to weigh out, not forseeing that I would mix them altogether.

Don't underestimate how draining parenting, housework and mental load are - they can all be monotonous, thankless and there is no way to guarantee the outcomes you want with any of it.

You sound overwhelmed and under the weather.

My suggestions would be:
See your GP - you might be peri menopausal, or low on a vitamin, or have a thyroid imbalance, or be suffering with depression. Or a combination.

You can't be a good parent/housekeeper/wife/etc if you're not feeling well. Easier said than done, but regular fresh air, plenty of reasonably balanced fresh food, good sleep and taking a bit of time to do things that bring you joy can make a huge difference.

Try to ignore that negative voice that says that you're not a good parent. That voice is just thoughts, it has no evidence to support it. You're just drained and need some care and recharging.

You can’t look after the kids if you don’t look after yourself.

Your DHs job to ensure you are cared for - he may be a great dad but is he a great husband?

Also, parenting a child with SEN can be extremely tricky to navigate at times. Mine both have SENs and I have felt exactly how you do now. I never know whether my expectations of them are too high or not high enough. I never know what age/stage they are currently at - they can both regress to toddler levels of reasonableness if they are tired/hungry/ill, but are in their teens and also need to be treated as their actual age. I never feel quite on top of it, but I can only do my best.

Gentle parenting sounds like its not working for you or your children.

DH needs to step up elsewhere so that you have more bandwidth to parent.

To help him see the imbalance at home he can look into chore audits and also the 'Bridging the Gap Community' on FB. Make sure he does this and not you, or else you will be adding educating DH to your load.

Triple P parenting courses (provided by local councils) are helpful. Especially if you and DH do one together and then both take the same parenting stance in the future.

Enforcing natural consequences is also helpful, but like someone said above it needs to be immediate (which is really hard when overwhelmed and exhausted, hence DH needing to step up).

You're doing amazing and way more than your share already, so it can only get better once DH is giving his whole family the right support.

Try and see what your hubby does that makes it easier for him. Why do they listen to him when he says no but not you? There are ways to develop firmer boundaries which leave you with more energy in general