I am stopping my ex from seeing my son....

[woodenleg]

For the time being.

For many reasons. I went to the police for the 4th time regarding him this morning. Just to log it, no formal complaint made.

Last week I gave him an option to see ds however he became abusive towards me and I have now blocked him.

Social services have already been involved however the police are referring it again, asking for more help.

The police woman today said ' you should not have to deal with trying to organise contact between your son and your ex when you've been in an abusive marriage'.

I believe this is true.

I also can't help but think I am being petty. I feel incredibly guilty for stopping the contact - even though technically I haven't stopped it, he's refused to co-operate.

I also feel very scared. I've been trained to please him for 8 years, it was exhausting. Now it's over, I'm laying down boundaries for both of us but it's incredibly scary.

Did anyone else feel guilty in this situation? The easiest thing I could do is hand my son over to him for the day but my gut is screaming 'NO!'

Has he been abusive towards your son?
If not then contact needs to happen somehow.

Agree with above. If not violent towards the child you have to hand them over otherwise you get criticised.
It’s awful - been there done that.
The solution is usually to get a court order for contact so you need to communicate as little as possible with ex.
Good luck

You need to figure out a way of your ex seeing his child . Without having to have any contact with you.

It depends.

Abusive, controlling men love to make their exes jump through hoops by messing them about with regards to contact. This can include refusing to set a schedule (and schedules are beneficial to children), randomly not turning up, or demanding access at very short notice and disregarding any plans you have made.

Your best bet is to offer reasonable contact at set times, make sure your child is available at those times and then if he doesn't turn up, you've done your bit and it's on him. Make sure you keep a record of all your communications to him and log any responses and non-responses - if he refuses to engage, that's on him.

You do not have to run your entire life to his schedule.

He has barely seen our son in 6 months. Let him down constantly and shows no interest in doing better. Has said a few times he isn't going to see him anymore and then comes back like nothing has happened.

I haven't stopped contact. I've said he can see ds but in shorter frequent visits in order to build up contact which he has refused.

There was a dv incident last year which ds heard but didn't witness.

Is there anyone who can act as an intermediary so he is not in direct contact.

I'm afraid if the matter went to court he'd almost immediately get contact. If he's not been violent towards his child then you do need to find a way to get contact facilitated.

I only have my mum. She was doing it but now she's refused to do anymore. She also is quite social so I couldn't guarantee she would be available. That's all I have. Ex hasn't seen ds since January so it hasn't been an issue lately.

If he has been abusive i would suggest you use a contact centre. They will normally liaise to confirm times, dates etc so you don't need to worry about speaking to him. You will.also not need to see him either as the handover of the child are normally done on separate rooms and the child taken between each parent by staff.

It's true that he would get contact. He would however not be able to chop and change and dictate the entirety of OP's life. OP could offer a reasonable schedule (which she wishes to do) and if the ex declines or does not adhere to this, he would not have a lot of recourse (as long as OP kept documenting all communications).

He probably would.

The thing is I don't want to stop contact.

I never have. I want him to stop letting ds down. To stop thinking it's ok to be in and out of ds life. Which is why I was told (by social services) to offer short and frequent contact which ex has refused.

Ds is also being assessed for autism so routine is key. I've told my ex this - he's not bothered.

My solicitor has offered to act as a 3rd party to communicate. I'm getting legal aid in my divorce to him.

Yes this may work. My son has selective mutism and is extremely anxious of people so I worry about him going through this but I'd be open to trying it.

My ex has been physically violent to women in the past and had a restraining order against one ex (which I only found out about after I left him). He's very very angry at me so I don't feel safe seeing him myself.

@pointythings I emailed him all my wishes for contact. He refused it all. Even the times I gave him to FaceTime ds - said it was the wrong time for him even though he used to FaceTime ds at this time all the time.

Absolutely everything I suggested was ignored.

Ex asked if he could start having ds for tea. He said he would pick him up after work (between 5 & 6pm) which I said was too late for ds as he is 5 years old. I said we could try if he would pick ds up from school instead and have him home for 6/6.30 - extra refused and said I know his schedule and what he can and cannot do. He's self employed- he can leave work early whenever he wants.

I have facilitated contact with my abusive ex for the last decade and it has done my DC no favours, watching their father bully their mother for the past decade. This 'you must facilitate and preserve the father/child contact at all costs' forces women to maintain contact with an abuser, once again indicating that women and their safety is low priority. Long term it shows DC that bullying men take priority. IME once the men can't bully and coercively control the woman they need someone to bully so they try to control their DC, even as teenagers.

My DC are damaged by exposure to this awful man - but I was lied to and coerced by the family court system and society in general that the children need contact with their father. If a relationship fails because both parties simply fall out of love or don't get on, fine. Absolutely parent/child relationships must remain the priority and are in the child's best interests. But forcing DC to be exposed to abusers is abhorrent. It does not work for them.

I agree with this.

I am currently trying to deal with my ex husband. The last time I saw him he refused to leave my home and told me he was going to go kill himself and it would be my fault. This is just one of many things.

Yet I am left to continue to try deal with him seeing my son.

This is then continuing to stop me from healing which in turn affects my dc and I cannot be the best mother to my children. And I am a single mother of course. All 3 of my children have additional needs, one in an sen school. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

On top of that ex is refusing to pay maintenance so I am struggling financially. Cms are involved but as he's self employed, it's hard to get him to pay.

I feel completely alone, stressed, scared dealing with this as he continues to make my life difficult. Yet if I just ignore him and stop contact, I will look like a bad bitter parent more than likely.

You are completely right in that the needs of women are at the lowest in abuse. I'm sorry you experienced this too.

I would use a children's centre or church stay and play session if your son is little or somewhere else public

Step back from it all off him what social services reccomend if he says no that's it leave it a week or two try again don't respond to any abuse etc everything child focused my ex went on rants and told children's services I was stopping him seeing the children I showed them my phone I set out clear expectations he needed to collect them from school from x class at y time (handover was traumatic for the children so I wanted it done via the school to help them) return would be at x time as per agreement three raging texts later of him demanding I leave work to facilitate handover I repeated myself then arranged childcare he refused to collect them as soon as I started work his only reason was "she should be there its HER JOB" he then threatened full custody the school pointed out working full time is not considered abuse or neglect

Make sure you document everything, get it all written down in a diary, and keep a record of every time he has contact but fails to show up.
That way if he takes you to court for access, you will be able to show a pattern of
irregular contact and aggressive behaviour that is not in your child's best interest.