For suggesting to my dd to leave her close friend group

[ForGreenPlayer]

My oldest dd is in year 10. She has had 2 particularly close friend at school since last year and they naturally are a friendship group. However, towards the end of last year one girl, lets call her Alina, has asked her if she could hang out with her during breaks.

Alina had been kicked out of all friend groups and my dd felt bad for her, so she lets her hang out with her and her friends. This year, she has heard from her close friends that Alina has been bad-mouthing my dd with them.

According to dd, she has also been subtly excluding dd from group conversations, like only mentioning the other two with topics nothing specific.

The worst thing is, due to a standard school lock policy at school, dd needs to use the lock provided by the school, which she struggles with. Therefore, when there isn't enough time, she would leave her locker unlocked.

Everytime this happened, Alina would throw her hat in the mud at the very corner of the school near the locker room. dd is very upset about this but as there is no camera on that spot and there isn't more evidence than what Alina said to her two close friends, nothing can be done about it.

dd is very angry that Alina is still telling people to kill themselves on Roblox, despite her asking her not to for many times.

dd's two close friends don't like Alina very much either but Alina is decent to them so they don't mind being friends with Alina as well. They are reluctant to have a conversation with Alina for not hanging out with her anymore because they are too scared to and just don't know how to. dd is leaving the group and staying with her other friends. She will lock her locker at all times after.

Well no you're not unreasonable to suggest she isn't friends with people who are mean to her. What has the lock got to do with anything? I think she should maybe talk to a teacher. You seem too involved.

Alina throws her hat into the mud when her locker is not locked. The other two friends have never been mean to her.

She has already talked to a teacher about it, but her teacher cannot don anything about it and asked her to remember locking her locker at all times.

Not unreasonable to suggest she gravitates to other friends.

Otherwise back off. You’re way too over involved. She needs to be navigating relationships herself at Year 10.

Why does your DD struggle with the lock so much?

Is it something that needs an adaptation made?

PP who said you’re too involved is bonkers .

Is report Alina for bullying and encourage dd to make new friends and out her into good hobbies outside of school to make more friends. We as adults leave situations and people that bully us, so why shouldn’t kids? Also her friends that don’t bully but also don’t defend are just as bad imo

Yes, obviously if there is a girl DD doesn’t like in the friendship group it makes sense for her to distance from her. It sounds like she should stop socialising with her on Roblox too.

How does she know Alina is the one throwing her hat into the mud? Unless there are disabilities or similar making the lock difficult to use your DD should also spend some time learning to use her lock and lock her locker, not victim blaming as there’s no excuse for anybody going into her things but kids at secondary school are often not reasonable in the way they behave, locking her locker would mitigate against anybody (not just Alina) deciding to mess with her things whether to be mean or for a laugh or just because they can.

I agree with the pp the child is in year 10 not 10yo, way too involved

It is up to her what or who she is friends with

dd doesn't have Roblox. Alina showed her multiple times how she tells people to kill themselves and continued doing so despite my dd's protests as to what would happen if they actually do it. She is going to lock her locker at all times starting from now.

Do you mean your DD is 10 years old or year 10?

Year 10, 14 years old

Ok.

Roblox? I thought that was for much younger children - like under 10.

Does this girl have SEN?

No SEN as far as my dd knows of. A lot of girls in dd's grade still plays Roblox.

If your DD invited the girl into her friendship group, then surely it would be more sensible for her to say something to Alina rather than abandon her friends with a girl they don't particularly like and didn't particularly want to hang out with? I'd encourage them all to move on from this girl. Clearly there's a reason she was alone.

Well now she knows why Alina has no other friends.

Teenagers find disengaging themselves from people they don't get on with hard without there being big falling outs, just keep encouraging her to spend time with nice straightforward kids and keep reminding her there are two sides to every story and so she should always treat people decently and not bitch however annoyed with them she gets, it's better to just quietly remove herself from the drama.

my dd has texted Alina, she saw it but never replied and continued to hang out with the group. dd badly wants to move on from this girl, but the girl won't listen to her and her other 2 friends don't really want to and how know to do anything about the situation.

But your daughter can’t eject her from a friendship group. That’s a dead end plan. She’ll look like a bully herself

My DD started visiting stables at this age had a ride, but most of the day missing with young people. It opened her new friendship groups

My dd literally helped Alina for her to treat her like this. She has been putting up with her subtle exclusion, badmouthing for months. Alina has pushed her belongings on the floor from her locker when she is using it, including a certificate which is slightly damaged.

If anything Alina is bullying my dd, instead of the other way round.

In year 10 you can advise but pretty much nothing more.

I’m not debating that, however if she starts texting and trying to exclude her from the group she WILL look like a bully.

I'm sure Alina will be quick to make out that your DD is the bully if she does anything to push her out of the group.

It is better that your DD just moves on to another group.

I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I took my daughter out of school and switched her to online. It made so much difference and her anxiety is finally under control. She didn’t realize how toxic her school environment was until she got out. We did go and discuss bullying with the teachers on several occasions but everyone knows now that schools won’t take action.

She is already doing it as she likes her other 2 friends a lot and is scared than Aline might so similar things to them.