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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me not be a wimp

17 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 16/03/2024 09:28

I'm not an unassuming person normally but perimenopause has left me quite depleted in navigating social situations like this . I think because my job is quite stressful and requires a lot of emotional intelligence, i have no capacity left in my personal life.
There's a woman at my gym who is a bit of a bully. She is very overfamiliar with the staff too and kind of takes over. My gym is a small weird private one in the annexe of a golf conference centre. There's often only one member of staff on, they are all quite young trainers and are often a bit absent. She'll do things like ask for a squeeze of body lotion, or to borrow deodrant, things that you can't really say no to, if people do try and say no, she takes their reason apart so they have no excuses left. She will go behind the reception desk, and answer the phone if the staff are not there and then give them a message. She sits in the gym a lot doing loud facteimes or calls.
What I need help with is how to phrase my refusals for her ro borrow my stuff/share a locker etc etc.
I know mumsnet says just say no and repeat it, but she will go on and on.
The way the gym is managed is by the golf centre manager. I know people have reported things before but the manager is not always on shift, so a complaint would be reported, and a few days later a printed sign would go in the gym which she ignores anyway. She definitely targets people, there are a group of women in their 70s who come to a swimming club each morning and she never bullies them.
What are phrases I can say? Friend at work said I could say 'no sorry, I don't share my things" which I think could work as it makes the emphasis on me being the one with the issue (not sharing) anyone dealt with a similar person? FYI she is not homeless or anything like that and needs support. She is also quite physically dominant (female boxer)

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 16/03/2024 09:33

Oh she sounds horrible. is she there all the time? Can you figure out when she's not there and go then?

RandomMess · 16/03/2024 09:35

"No, I have scabies"

😂

Pepsimaxedout · 16/03/2024 09:40

I'd be going to a new gym TBH. Vote with your money and feet if the management won't deal with the problem.

HoodieStruggles · 16/03/2024 09:41

Agree with the pp. Vote with your feet and explain to the staff why you're finding a new gym.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 16/03/2024 09:46

With respect OP, this is mad. You don't need advice on what phrases to say, you need advice on how to not give a shit even if she does go on and on.

Honestly, she isn't your friend, you don't owe her anything. Just say no. If she asks why, say "because I said no". Then ignore her, like turn away, carry on with what you were doing and don't engage.

Createausername1970 · 16/03/2024 09:54

You have a few options.

If you want to keep going to that gym, then go when she isn't there, but if that's not practical, then just use the gym and leave. Don't shower or change there, do it when you get home, so you have nothing she can use.

If there is another gym within reasonable distance, then go there instead and tell management why you are leaving.

You could stay and complain about her, but I think that is my least favourite option as I suspect she will find out who complained and if you are still going to the gym, she sounds like she could be a nightmare about it.

Sockdolager · 16/03/2024 09:55

EnterFunnyNameHere · 16/03/2024 09:46

With respect OP, this is mad. You don't need advice on what phrases to say, you need advice on how to not give a shit even if she does go on and on.

Honestly, she isn't your friend, you don't owe her anything. Just say no. If she asks why, say "because I said no". Then ignore her, like turn away, carry on with what you were doing and don't engage.

Yes, why would you care whether a total stranger is pissed off you won’t share your body lotion?

ChocHotolate · 16/03/2024 09:57

RandomMess · 16/03/2024 09:35

"No, I have scabies"

😂

Yes! Grin

MojoMoon · 16/03/2024 10:20

What are you scared of happening if you say no to her and continue to say no?

Let's go through what could happen if you say no to her request and continue to say no:

  1. She punches you. Unlikely to happen. And if it did, she would very clearly be the the one in the wrong and be arrested.
  2. She shouts at you aggressively, swears at you, threatens you. No sign of this so far - she appears to intimidate you through you not wanting to offend rather than through verbal aggression. And if she did do it, you would absolutely be able to report this to the gym and possibly the police (depending on exactly how aggressive and threatening she was) so people will have to respond to it.
  3. She belittles you. You are being ridiculous. You have plenty of lotion, don't you know how to use the bottle? Do you care that much about her opinion?
  4. She tries to shame you - you aren't nice, you aren't kind. Again, do you care?
  5. She tells other people you are mean. Again, how much do you care? If her behaviour is so obvious, then other people will be aware of what she is like.

If you work through exactly which scenario you are worrying about, people might be able to help you with tactics to boost your confidence

Ginmonkeyagain · 16/03/2024 10:24

"Sorry. No." And walk away.

That is it.

However I am a Londoner, so am boss of the resting bitch face/ignoring annoying people.

GrumpyPanda · 16/03/2024 10:25

Make your sentences shorter, louder and slower.
I. Said. No.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 16/03/2024 10:30

No, loudly. If she still doesn’t hear this, then leave me alone. Third time, swear word. Fourth time find another gym.

I’d even say why haven’t you got your own moisturiser or whatever she wants.

Mention to the club you find her behaviour unprofessional and unacceptable (answering phones etc). It’s their business so if they don’t want her doing it it’s up to them to say so, or employ her to do this. I’ve come across people similar to her and you have to fight fire with fire with them. My hairdresser was I think I bit like this in character, before she started hairdressing (but she doesn’t dare now with me!). Don’t give in!

Sockdolager · 16/03/2024 10:33

MojoMoon · 16/03/2024 10:20

What are you scared of happening if you say no to her and continue to say no?

Let's go through what could happen if you say no to her request and continue to say no:

  1. She punches you. Unlikely to happen. And if it did, she would very clearly be the the one in the wrong and be arrested.
  2. She shouts at you aggressively, swears at you, threatens you. No sign of this so far - she appears to intimidate you through you not wanting to offend rather than through verbal aggression. And if she did do it, you would absolutely be able to report this to the gym and possibly the police (depending on exactly how aggressive and threatening she was) so people will have to respond to it.
  3. She belittles you. You are being ridiculous. You have plenty of lotion, don't you know how to use the bottle? Do you care that much about her opinion?
  4. She tries to shame you - you aren't nice, you aren't kind. Again, do you care?
  5. She tells other people you are mean. Again, how much do you care? If her behaviour is so obvious, then other people will be aware of what she is like.

If you work through exactly which scenario you are worrying about, people might be able to help you with tactics to boost your confidence

Good post, @MojoMoon.

Nagado · 16/03/2024 11:07

I’d turn it round on her. Start questioning her about why she hasn’t got her own stuff. Tell her that you’ve noticed she’s always asking gym members to share their toiletries and ask her whether she thinks a gym membership is a sensible use of her funds if she can’t afford the basics, like deodorant. If she responds that she can afford them then say ‘great, you won’t need to ponce off of me then’

Or say no to whatever she’s asking to borrow and then when she starts questioning your reasons, say ‘why are you trying to browbeat me into giving you the answer you want? Was my answer not clear enough?’

TheShellBeach · 16/03/2024 11:10

Tell her you've got a communicable skin disease.

MrsLeonFarrell · 16/03/2024 11:29

No is a complete sentence.

Don't say 'sorry no' because why should you be sorry.

If she carries on I might be tempted to deploy the old standby "which part of no do you not understand?"

She does this because she gets away with it. I wouldn't be worried about what such a person thinks about me.

Shmitz · 16/03/2024 11:38

I used to be like this and people like her took such advantage. You've got to be brave and say no. Don't apologise, don't make any excuse, don't lie, when she asks you, you simply respond "no".

It's stomach churning at first but if you keep saying it, it gets easier.

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