My parents were just like this. My mother played the role of excited doting grandmother but in reality they CBA with making the effort. They wanted everything on their terms, and when I realised this I was very hurt.
I sat them down and asked them directly. My father said we have done our ‘stint’ raising children and it’s our turn to sit back and have everyone come to us…. I explained that I didn’t feel an unequal relationship was healthy. Me doing it all basically.
My parents had been expected to do this for their parents and so on. They wouldn’t budge at all on the issue. I felt resentful doing it all, so I stopped. The visits became less often outside of special occasions and slowly ground to a halt. Especially with long working hours, multiple young children. I was just too tired and too busy.
We were given a work opportunity four hours away and relocated. We had no reason not to take it tbh. Parents were outraged despite not doing anything for a decade before. We had taken away their plans of me caring for them into old age away. We had broken the tradition in every way of younger women carrying the care load for everyone.
My children have a nice but distant relationship with them now. They feel their gps didn’t really bother with them and now late teens have their own lives. They don’t feature at all in any meaningful sense for my dc.
I am glad I didn’t push and push for more contact when it was clear how they felt, and I accepted their decision gracefully. I developed a great network of close friends and fulfilled my own dreams. I have had more freedom as a result. We are an independent unit; and very close to our children - we realised the importance of close families, even if my parents couldn’t see the value.
I would suggest gently that the nursery option might be best. Two days of full childcare is a lot for grandparents that are not terribly interested. It might put even more strain on the relationship. I would have a back up just in case. Decide what you are prepared to do that will not cause resentment and bad feeling and stick with that. It might not be ideal or how you imagined but it is what it is. Build up your life without them and then when they are around it’s a bonus rather than a necessity.