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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not speak to my father?

8 replies

Hamseven · 16/03/2024 07:50

I posted before about the tricky relationship between me and my dad. My mum and dad split up when I was about 11 and my dad remarried. For some reason my step mum hates me. She never visits and is we visit she makes sure she's out. My dad is obsessed with his step grandchildren and it's all he talks about. He sees me and his grandchildren about twice a year but then just talks about how wonderful the step GC are. There's more to it than that but I'll keep the background short.
It all came to a head before Christmas when we spoke about meeting up to swap gifts but he only had one available weekend he could do in the whole of November and December as all the other days he was with his step GC or visiting deceased relatives graves. That one weekend we were away but were free every other. He just wouldn't meet us too see his grandchildren. There was no argument it just wasn't happening. This really annoyed me.
Since then we haven't spoken. We text on boxing day and that's it. He hasn't tried to call and I haven't tried to call. He didn't contact in my daughter's birthday. I don't think he knows I'm cross with him it's just that he doesn't make the effort so will be waiting for me to phone.
The thing is. He is old and not in good health. I do feel bad but I just get so depressed and angry with him. He never asks about the children. If he sees them he just moans that their rude and criticizes my parenting (both have ASD). He can't be bothered to remember their names or birthdays. He refuses to acknowledge my husband. He just rude!

Aibu
Should I make contact?

OP posts:
moonfacer · 16/03/2024 08:06

YANBU, don’t make contact. Any father that prioritises visiting dead relatives’ graves over living, breathing grandchildren doesn’t deserve the time of day, especially as he has all the time in the world for his step-DGC.

It’s not nice for your children to always be second best to his step-DGC. Don’t put them through that anymore.

If he calls you tell him that you’re upset by his favouritism to his step-DGC and if he can’t make time for you then you won’t make time for him either.

Springisroundthecorner · 16/03/2024 08:12

Youve tried, but for your own sake drop the rope and live your best life with your own DC. He's not bothered and if he's not willing to put in the effort to get to know his grandchildren then that's his loss.

Nagado · 16/03/2024 11:24

You could contact him, but what would be the point? Is there a single positive thing that you’d be missing if you didn’t contact him? Or would it just be more of the same?

I will give you the same advice I was given; if he died tomorrow, would you regret anything? Would there be anything you wish you’d said while you had the chance?

Hamseven · 16/03/2024 21:58

You are all right. I know it upsets my brothers. They totally understand where I am coming from and see how my dad is. He not quite the same with them. He and his wife hate my husband. They think he is a snob and looks down on them. He isn't but he doesn't like them as people as he sees how they treat me. I'm sure this is a major factor in your I am treated. He does see them more. My brother's agree that he tests be and my children badly but think I should just tolerate it.

OP posts:
Nagado · 16/03/2024 22:06

My brother's agree that he tests be and my children badly but think I should just tolerate it Why? Because he tells them how much he loves you and your children? Or because it makes it easier for them if they don’t have to answer his questions when he notices you haven’t been in touch?

moonfacer · 16/03/2024 22:59

Hamseven · 16/03/2024 21:58

You are all right. I know it upsets my brothers. They totally understand where I am coming from and see how my dad is. He not quite the same with them. He and his wife hate my husband. They think he is a snob and looks down on them. He isn't but he doesn't like them as people as he sees how they treat me. I'm sure this is a major factor in your I am treated. He does see them more. My brother's agree that he tests be and my children badly but think I should just tolerate it.

I think you should also go low contact with your brothers, they sound as toxic as your father.

Scaffoldingisugly · 16/03/2024 23:03

When my df and sm won Big Money df started missing regular visits... I rang once and she shouted something awful in the background. I went nc after that. Been 25 years now... He doesn't even know how many dgc he has...

MrsO3 · 16/03/2024 23:08

@Hamseven don’t feel guilty about going no contact. The bit that really got me was “he can’t be bothered to remember their names or birthdays” ):

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