I have to get this off my chest as I’m spiralling and just don’t know how to cope. 5 yrs ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis, luckily fell pregnant with my son straight after surgery . I thought everything was going to be ok when he was born , then a year later I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease , and hpv positive so was monitored for this with regular smears.
Then in 2022 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer , very early so lucky and just had a cone biopsy because alongside all of this I was trying to have another child. Lots of ivf. I saved embryos while I waited for the go ahead from my oncologist to try and conceive. At the same time I work in a stressful job as the main bread winner, I have smiled through many pregnancy announcements and baby showers and most importantly I feel like I’ve managed to be a happy devoted mum even thought I’ve been physically and mentally unwell due to the stress of dealing with all these diseases and infertility. I feel like I deserve a break .
Then in September 23 my smear came back borderline changes , literally the next day 2 colleagues tell me they are pregnant and I of course have to be happy for them. I was terrified had lots of tests and given all clear a few weeks later . Then finally in February this year I was allowed to put an embryo back . It didn’t work . Had to go for my colonoscopy check up - diagnosed with a syndrome that means I’m high risk for bowel cancer and have to have multiple polyps removed in a few weeks. Then yesterday I get called and told I have boderline cell changes again and need further tests . Literally that afternoon another colleague tells me they are pregnant. And all of these pregnancies are miracle pregnancies due to age and other issues , which is wonderful but where the fuck is my miracle ? 😂 it feels like everything works out for everyone around me while my life has just been a continuous nightmare of tests , results , diagnosis.
I used to actually believe in karma , the universe rewarding you if you endure tough times and stay strong and do your best and be kind to everyone. But I’m totally fed up , I can’t take any more of this and I feel like the universe is trying to kill me or I have a curse . How can I have it happen twice that I’m told I might not be able to have another child because I need cancer treatment , and literally within 24 hours I have to endure yet another pregnancy announcement.
I actually think I might have a full on breakdown with these next tests and am fully expecting the worst. I don’t understand what god/the universe wants of me , the harder I try the worse it gets . Maybe it wants me to give up on having another child . I feel like I have only survived so far because I follow my gut and push for more tests when I feel something isn’t right (my nhs smear was all clear right before I went private because I knew something was up ) If I wasn’t a) anxious and over analyse and b) have private health cover through my work, I think I would be dead . On the one hand that makes me feel lucky but on the other hand it makes me feel like I’m in the film final destination and I just keep narrowly escaping death but the universe will get me soon.
I know this rant sounds crazy, and I’m just moaning , I don’t know what my question is , I just really feel at the end of my tolerance for bad news. How do people know if they are going to have breakdown? I don’t know how to prepare for the next awful thing, mainly cancer returning . I really sometimes feel I can’t cope . Does anyone else ever feel like the universe is out to get them?