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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about kicking off about this?

37 replies

flakermaker · 15/03/2024 18:47

Ok bit of background. Over the last year have "woken up" thanks to good friends about my husband's lack of consideration and general bad nature towards me. The term narcissist is generally overused but probably fits well to him tbh. Bear with me, start of this story might sound petty but it gets worse..
Anyway. Eldest son (11) has been away on a residential with school and it was his birthday while away. He returned tonight so I'd made a cake and waited to see what icing he'd want on it before I finished it off for him. He chose chocolate fingers round the outside and as deep as you can get it ganache on top. No problem. While I was in the kitchen, husband (possibly soon to be ex H for reasons other than what happened tonight) kept trying to take bits of the chocolate and chocolate fingers. It was a joke at first but he'd already swiped half a packet so I really seriously said enough now, I've only got just enough now.
Start to make the cake. Got most of the way through when I realised H had rated two thirds of the chocolate bar so I was now having to melt Easter eggs I had hidden away for kids at Easter. I was livid. Asked why he'd done it when I'd been so explicit about not eating chocolate. Found him in the bedroom and tore a strip off, called him inconsiderate and selfish (this is not the first time he's done something like this, but this was his kid's birthday cake for crying out loud). He flicked Vs at me and ignored me after that. Youngest son (8) ended up having a word apparently and told dad he should go and get more chocolate. Which he did. Only to come in, chuck the bar across the bench to me saying "there you go, bitch". He stalked off (kids weren't there btw).. only to find he'd eaten half of it on the way back from the corner shop.
It just reiterates one of the underlying reasons I want out of this marriage. He reckons I'm insane for making a fuss about chocolate as "the birthday cakes never get eaten in entirety anyway". Apparently I'm overly sensitive and no one else would react that way. He's now gone to bed. It's 7pm.

OP posts:
justthecat · 15/03/2024 20:00

He might be a a hole but least you know you're a good mum x

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2024 20:04

You have got to want better for yourself than this arsehole, surely.

redastherose · 16/03/2024 07:06

flakermaker · 15/03/2024 18:47

Ok bit of background. Over the last year have "woken up" thanks to good friends about my husband's lack of consideration and general bad nature towards me. The term narcissist is generally overused but probably fits well to him tbh. Bear with me, start of this story might sound petty but it gets worse..
Anyway. Eldest son (11) has been away on a residential with school and it was his birthday while away. He returned tonight so I'd made a cake and waited to see what icing he'd want on it before I finished it off for him. He chose chocolate fingers round the outside and as deep as you can get it ganache on top. No problem. While I was in the kitchen, husband (possibly soon to be ex H for reasons other than what happened tonight) kept trying to take bits of the chocolate and chocolate fingers. It was a joke at first but he'd already swiped half a packet so I really seriously said enough now, I've only got just enough now.
Start to make the cake. Got most of the way through when I realised H had rated two thirds of the chocolate bar so I was now having to melt Easter eggs I had hidden away for kids at Easter. I was livid. Asked why he'd done it when I'd been so explicit about not eating chocolate. Found him in the bedroom and tore a strip off, called him inconsiderate and selfish (this is not the first time he's done something like this, but this was his kid's birthday cake for crying out loud). He flicked Vs at me and ignored me after that. Youngest son (8) ended up having a word apparently and told dad he should go and get more chocolate. Which he did. Only to come in, chuck the bar across the bench to me saying "there you go, bitch". He stalked off (kids weren't there btw).. only to find he'd eaten half of it on the way back from the corner shop.
It just reiterates one of the underlying reasons I want out of this marriage. He reckons I'm insane for making a fuss about chocolate as "the birthday cakes never get eaten in entirety anyway". Apparently I'm overly sensitive and no one else would react that way. He's now gone to bed. It's 7pm.

YANBU he sounds like my ExH everything always had to be all about him and he didn't care who got hurt by his actions. They never change and are so selfish and self absorbed, they'll argue black is white rather than apologise or admit they are wrong. Leaving is the only sensible thing to do. Have a read up on going grey rock, what he wanted was it to be all about him and to pull your strings so that you reacted so he can say you were unreasonable because it was 'just some chocolate' grey rock means it takes away their power. When he's an arsehole you don't react, look through him like he's not there. It means that you have to do everything but I bet you do everything anyway so it's not a loss. It will save your sanity, once you realise what an absolute prick he's being you can never unsee it or go back. Also keep a log of these nasty petty things he does, it helps to see them written down and helps you understand it really isn't you and you are not mad or stupid to be upset.

moonfacer · 16/03/2024 07:59

Please do leave him as soon as you can.

And I agree with pp, I hope the twat didn’t get any cake.

surfergrl · 16/03/2024 08:34

Overly sensitive sensitive? He's gaslighting you. X

Original poster
flakermaker · 17/03/2024 22:32

Update: the cobbled-together cake was delicious, DS(12) was over the moon and really thankful. He asked if he could cut the cake. While he was trying to do it, OH swiped a handful of the chocolate fingers round the outside like a bloomin' toddler. Didn't spoil it, all the cake's now gone. We demolished it. DS said it was "the best cake ever" bless him. Still saving for a solicitor. Thanks for all the replies Flowers

OP posts:
moonfacer · 17/03/2024 22:34

Glad DS and you enjoyed the Cake. Did H eat more than his fair share? Can’t believed he swiped the fingers, what a twat?

FindingMeno · 17/03/2024 22:55

Nasty shit.

Geppili · 17/03/2024 22:57

Jesus Effing christ that is despicable behaviour.

AuntMarch · 17/03/2024 23:03

I think I'd take DC and join the family 200 miles away!
What a horrible man.
What are his relationships with the children like normally?

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 17/03/2024 23:08

I sometimes really can't believe the depths that grown men will sink to! I'm sorry that you were conned into believing that this one was worth having a family with OP, because that's what they do, they pretend that they're really nice until they've got you caught, and then they gradually begin to show their true colours. Thankfully I've been lucky, and so I hope with all my heart that it's not long before you have the funds in place to leave this arsehole. Take care of yourself.

Rumbunctious · 17/03/2024 23:16

He asked if he could cut the cake. While he was trying to do it, OH swiped a handful of the chocolate fingers round the outside like a bloomin' toddler.

This is him asserting his control, he thinks he can do what he likes without repercussions. He’s a disgrace as a father doing that to his child’s birthday cake.

I hope you manage to get out soon @flakermaker for your sake and the children’s. My BIL used to do similar and I used to have to zip my mouth and sit on my hands as he used to help himself to his children’s birthday cakes before they were cut. It’s just horrible behaviour. My sister was making plans to leave at the time so we put up and shut up until he was gone.

The cake sounds lovely and it sounds like your DS had a lovely day regardless of the actions of his “D”F.

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