To allow poorly child to go to dad's as planned

[TheHopefulMum]

STBXH has our 3 children EOW Friday after school - Sunday afternoon.

Our youngest DC is not in school yet and my DM has been watching her today while I work. Call from DM around an hour ago to say DC is a little under the weather, no temperature but just not themselves and doesn't seem to have any energy. Youngest DC is quite sickly compared to the older two and generally seems to catch anything and everything. DC was absolutely fine when dropped off this morning.

Have informed STBXH and he is definitely capable of caring for poorly child, although I just have incredible mum guilt. I have picked up a longer shift today, as DC's are with dad as planned, and so I won't be home until at least 9pm anyway, but I just feel awful.

I know realistically he can do all the same things that I can, and is more than capable of doing so but I just feel like DC should be with me when unwell.

I have told STBXH that I will have DC back tomorrow if still poorly, although my DM says to leave DC with dad as I had plans and he only has them overnight EOW. I know realistically if we were still together he'd be looking after poorly DC anyway but I just feel all sorts of mum guilt.

DC may very well be feeling better later / tomorrow but if not AIBU to leave poorly DC with dad on his weekend?

Sorry to hear dc is poorly, but please let him parent too. Let your mum guilt go.

I'd feel the same, I'd always keep DC with me if unwell, as a daughter I remember always wanting to be with my mum when I was younger and unwell, and she wouldn't have had it any othet way.

Just go with your instincts when little ones are poorly xx

@sunlovingcriminal Thank you, I know deep down it's only fair that he parents to but I have terrible anxiety in general and will worry all weekend. He is more than capable of caring for DC and I've no worries there I just feel guilty. The last time this happened, months ago, I had DC back early and DM says if I keep doing it he will never parent them other than for fun things, which is true.

I'd feel the same, I'd always keep DC with me if unwell, as a daughter I remember always wanting to be with my mum when I was younger and unwell, and she wouldn't have had it any othet way.

Absolutely. And little ones want their Mum when they're poorly. Sometimes the visiting schedule just needs to flex a bit

When I was in this situation, I asked ex what he wanted to do and he took them to his house like normal and looked after them.

@Westsussex Unfortunately I can't have DC back tonight anyway as I'm working until 9pm and won't get home until much before 10pm, and as such it's best DC stays with dad tonight rather than drag them out late etc. If DC is poorly tomorrow I think I will bring them home, the other 2 can have time with dad then.

DM is quite right. It's in the DCs' interests to have two proper hands on committed parents.

I appreciate it from your point of view too. It's really tricky, but it also diminishes/devalues your exH, and places you as primary and him as secondary instead of parenting as equals. Unless there is some massive back story and your dc don't get on with exH then this is one of those occasions that you have to trust him as an equal parent.

@BoohooWoohoo Ex is happy to take DC it's more me that's feeling anxious. Think I feel worse as I'm in work too and I'm not home if DC does need me.

Tbh . I would definitely send . It’s part of parenting .

Its mum guilt that makes us feel guilty no matter what we do

If it were me in this situation I would carry on with plans as normal but make it clear that should dc want to be with you then you are available..

Me and DP split the days when DS is home from nursery sick. There dad is just as capable of looking after them, let him be a parent too

Thank you all.

I know it's only fair that he parents them when poorly, just as much as I do, I just feel mum guilt.

Throughout our marriage which spanned over 15 years and our 3 DC he has only ever once taken a day off for DC when poorly. He has an advantage almost of having another adult in the home with him when he has DC where as I am on my own so have to just deal with everything alone when DC are unwell.

Yes it does de-value the dad really…
He is just as much a parent as you, I am sure he is capable, as are you to look after the poorly child.
You haven’t got anything to feel guilty about, does he feel guilty when the children are with you?

@JennyfromtheBlok You've hit the nail on the head. I have said this to him several times.

When DC are with him he will constantly call or text for minor things, DC has taken her earing out as ear is hurting, has DC left football at your house etc. I appreciate if it's an emergency contact me but otherwise I should be able to enjoy my very little child free time. He currently only has them 2 nights every 2 weeks and can completely switch off otherwise knowing they are fine with me. I on the other hand never switch off unfortunately :(

when I first met OH, he was a single dad of 3. One night he had his DC, two of which were being sick. He got on with looking after them, didn't ask their mum to keep them home, he was an involved, sensible dad who was capable of caring for ill DC.
I was completely blown away because any sign of illness and my ex would refuse to have our DC or ask me to collect them early.
I understand the mum guilt, but as long as your DC will be well looked after, I'd let them go as usual.

You sound like a great mummy. These things are always case by case, and just doing what feels right amongst working, etc :) xx