Is this my life now?

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

I have name changed. Normally a regular poster but don’t want this linked to my normal username.

I have PTSD from childhood abuse that has led to sever health anxiety. I have had all of the therapy that the nhs can offer and whilst it helps at the time as soon as sessions end it’s awful again. I’m on antidepressants and anxiety meds. I’m having a bad time and am really low despite all of this help. I’m constantly thinking something bad will happen to my kids or to me or DH. I get no break from this. I’m always at a high level of anxiety. I have reached a point where yesterday I had thoughts of it being easier not to be alive (I am not in danger. I wouldn’t do this. We lost my grandma to suicide and I could never do that to my family).
I don’t know how to cope with the anxiety anymore. I’m not enjoying my kids childhood as I’m always convinced there’s something wrong with them.

what else can I do? Scared of saying this to GP in case it triggers social services. I haven’t planned to do it. The thoughts scared me.

• severe

I had / Have PTSD from trauma ( and l mean bad trauma) had counselling for 30 years.. been in psychiatric hospitals.. you name it I've tried it.
Last November l had a great counsellor and he suggest EMDR.. NHS waiting is 2 years. I paid private at £65 a session and its changed my life. I was like you .. couldn't sleep for thinking something awful would happen to my family.. l imagined the worse for everything.
It was worth every penny.. six sessions. Please if you can afford it.. bed borrow or steal and look up a qualified one.

Aw, I'm so sorry you're living with this. Virtual hugs. You said you've tried all the therapy on offer, can I ask, did that include EMDR?

Can you manage some kind of private therapy sessions? Even if it is only one session a month?

Agree with the other poster, if you having something like PTSD, then you need EMDR. CBT doesn't work as well for PTSD.

Totally agree with @PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance also paid privately, and worth every single penny. Can be totally life changing!

If you can afford to, do private therapy.

You need to be honest as well about the suicidal feelings. It does sound like suicide ideation.

I confided in my therapist about this. I said I didnt want to be alive. I was laying awake at night imagining scenarios where I would die. It made me feel peaceful.

My therapist did not involve SS and I am a single mother. Nobody else was contacted.

It is considered serious if you have a "plan" though.

Even then, SS involvement would be around giving you support, and I wouldnt fear kids being removed etc.

6 weeks is what’s usually offered as NHS therapy right? I’ve been seeing my private therapist for two years. The NHS provision isn’t good enough!

as a PP said, consider private therapy if you can afford it. I hope you can because it’s no way to live!

Thank you so much. I haven’t had EMDR no.

Can anyone recommend an EMDR therapist in the south east? Thank you again x