To cut my mum off over her Facebook addiction and ignorant attitude?

[GraceyBeaker]

Mum has been addicted to Facebook for a good decade and a half. I am mid 20s and have emotional trauma from my teenage years directly relating to her Facebook use. She would post about every aspect of my life - my bullying as a young teen (and the posts got around to kids in my school which escalated the bullying), my period, an overdose due to depression and my school refusal due to the bullying. I had a miscarriage at 18 and that got posted also. Anytime I was seeing a new boyfriend she would go through my friends list on Facebook and work out who the boyfriend was, then would relentlessly stalk him and his family members profiles and “accidentally” like old pictures, or message their mums to ‘introduce herself’ before even meeting the lad (this was when I was 17/18 and even when it wasn’t a serious relationship and I was just trying to have a bit of fun dating) thus freaking the lads out and costing me the relationship.

I very nearly cut her off completely after my miscarriage incident but she promised she would stop and so I moved past it. I’ve now been in a serious relationship for a year and me and my boyfriend will be living together shortly. Mum’s Facebook behaviour has gradually reverted back to type. Late last year I accompanied my boyfriend on a family trip with his mum and siblings. Boyfriend’s mum posted a picture of us all and tagged me in it, so mum saw it. Mum then proceeded to go through all of her posts back until 2012 and commented on every single one. My boyfriend is from an EU country and his mum speaks every little English, so my mum was translating all the posts then commenting on them in English. Boyfriend’s mum was understandably disturbed and blocked my mum, and I had my boyfriend apologise to his mum on my behalf. Me and my boyfriend discussed it and he told all of his close family members to block my mum with my blessing. Keep in mind my mum has never met any of boyfriend’s family and likely won’t until we marry or have a baby- they live in their home country. When mum figured out they had all blocked her she was fuming but I told her I had encouraged them to do this because she has no boundaries. Thus a huge argument that with time died down. My boyfriend and I remain friends with her on Facebook so we can monitor her posts.

It’s kicked off again today because my boyfriend was casually scrolling Facebook and noticed mum had been arguing with somebody on an article about Brexit/EU immigrants. Mum posted a comment along the lines of “Well I voted Brexit and I am glad we did and got our autonomy back but some EU immigrants are fine so I still wouldn’t tar them all with the same brush!!! My daughter’s boyfriend is from X and works at X location and has never been any trouble, she’ll be moving in with him soon! Unfortunately I still haven’t convinced him to enjoy tea or fish and chips, hahaha!!!”. Me and my boyfriend were disgusted. It gave me “I’m not racist, my mate is black!” vibes so I immediately called her and demanded she delete it. She is refusing to delete it and has said we are over exaggerating and she can say what she wants on Facebook.

We’ve had incidents before with her being ignorant about my boyfriend’s nationality - we were petting a dog in a park and she said to him “I bet you eat them in your country”, or telling me that she thinks his mum is weird looking, things like that. Also very patronising, “Have you heard of Easter?” (He’s from a Catholic country), and “Do you know about bonfire night?” (He’s lived here 11 years).

AIBU? I’m sick to death of her. She will be a nightmare when we have children.

Oh dear 😕 she sounds rather ignorant and a lot like my DMs friends. I would probably elope if I were you or have a spontaneous wedding when you're visiting your in-laws.
Sorry, I have no advice because it sounds like she has some deeply entrenched views and her FB addiction just adds fuel to an already burning house fire.

Wow, sounds like your mum has no respect for your privacy. It's shocking that she's shared such personal information about you so publically.

I'm really not the kind of person that advocates cutting someone off, but i think in your case, it wouldn't be unreasonable to limit contact until she can respect your boundaries and not post anything relating to you or your partner on FB.
Sounds like she has attention-seeking issues and is seeking validation through social media.

It makes me so so angry when I see parents do this on Facebook. Most recently I’ve seen a parent posting pictures of his sick kid in a nappy, tubes attached, and posting about his seizure. It’s sick. It’s private medical information that they are sharing. Or big Facebook posts about their child’s Autism or ADHD diagnosis - it’s not your diagnosis to share!!!!

What your Mum done was a gross betrayal of trust and considering how many chances she’s had, forgiveness is off the table. Go low contact.

Me and my boyfriend are both very private people, and she doesn’t respect that at all. I have genuine trauma from her Facebook behaviour when I was a teenager, I used to stand by the computer begging her not to post it as I watched her type it all up but she still would

Of course that’s traumatic! She was supposed to be your care giver, protector and confidant. Instead she used your struggles for attention seeking. It’s unforgivable.

I was ready to come here and say no but tbh I wouldn't want contact with her because this is pretty extreme.

I would absolutely reduce contact if I were you. Only resume when and if she understands boundaries and becomes more understanding. The grandchildren posts will be unbearable. You wouldn't be able to share any photos with her or allow her to take any photos. So sorry you have had to put up with this.

I have a relative like your mum. It's mortifying but I can't look away. They treat it like a diary and share other peoples news and private life all the time. No one ever comments or likes the posts. I have no idea why they do it

My uncle’s girlfriend of 2 years became a great grandmother and my mum, who has never even met any of uncle’s girlfriends relatives posted a congratulatory post. It was painful

Why don’t you and your partner just block her?

We feel we have to monitor what is posted. I feel if she knew I wasn’t watching what she she saying then she would escalate the behaviour

She needs help.

And not with Facebook only.

Pavlovs dogs. Train her up. If she posts something on overstepping on fb, warn her that she has 24 hours to take it down and if she fails refuse all contact until she does take the post down. Even if it takes months or a year. Repeat this every single time without fail. You need to put a firm boundary in with clear directions and consequences.

I'd block her then change your name. Seriously! How dare she treat your private life as entertainment.

But your approach isn’t managing it at all unfortunately, as is obvious from your post. I would block her as at least that stops some of her behaviours.

I don't think I could get last your Mum's behaviour and actually would have to stop all contact with her. I know that's easy to say but what she's out you through is beyond traumatic and unforgivable.

I hope you and your DP can forge a happy life together without her in it but I guess if you do stop contact or block her she would still post personal stuff anyway and you would have even less control of it.

I think I’d have to go no contact. It sounds awful. I’m poorly so only skim read so don’t know if you’ve mentioned- but if you’re not already, I’d suggest therapy for you. If you block her and go NC then you can let her get on with things. It’s not doing you any good as it is now.

This puts me in mind of all these influencers who plaster their kids’ personal lives all over their accounts too. They’ll all probably end up like OP too and it’s so sad.

I’ve had issues with my mum and Facebook use…she would publicly reply to things I’d posted making snarky and personal comments.

I set up a second account under pseudonym, blocked her and migrated my closest friends over to Account 2.

I’ve kept the original account and post something bland every six weeks or so and claim that I just don’t use FB much anymore.

In your position I’d set up a second account as someone with a mutual interest in something she likes and request to be friends with her. Once she accepts you are free to block her as you.

This way you can see what she posts, keep your personal data safe and you will prevent her seeing most of your information.

I realise that this is on paper against FB’s rules, but they aren’t that hot at upholding them themselves and they have relaxed their interest in policing accounts with fake names, so I think you are justified.

Having two accounts isn’t uncommon and can be very useful.

This makes me wonder how the children of influencers will feel, when they are older, having been photographed almost daily from birth.

Your mum is being daft, the Brexit comment would have had me pressing the block button, and as for all the other stuff, it's not her information to post. Either comment MUM PLEASE DELETE THIS on every oversharing post, or delete her from your life. You don't need this drama.

You could always post this on Facebook:

Evelyn Smythe is my mother. We are not responsible, nor do we agree with or accept the statements she posts on this site.
Sadly, because of her past (and future) indiscretions, we are now forced into blocking her.
Our deepest apologies to one and all for any hurt or embarrassment she may have caused.

Then block your mum and go no contact and live a happy life.

The question is, if you can't protect yourself, do you want her to do this to any future children? If she is choosing Facebook over relationships she needs help, is there anyone she might listen to?

Oh dear me, that sounds incredibly irksome! Your mother seems to be what I would describe as a "compulsive sharer". She can't stop herself from sharing every little bit of information about her family.

People like her used to gossip over the garden fence, but at least such gossip had a fairly limited audience. Nowadays, a single post on Facebook can reach thousands of people within minutes.

What can be done to stop her? I'm afraid I'm at a loss as far as finding a solution to the problem is concerned.

Go no contact then block so she won’t have anything to say about you if she isn’t in your life! This isn’t normal behavior.

Not saying this is the right thing to do….. but….

…. if you knew her Facebook password or can access her account then go on and set her default audience for posts to just her/a very select few people.