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AIBU?

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Original poster

Commute to school 20 mins

26 replies

Alpacalove · 14/03/2024 14:02

So we are having to move house and can only afford properties around 20 mins away in a different town. Hubby and I want to keep our ASD boys at the school they are at (year 3 and one is due to start reception in sept) as the class sizes are so small (around 12 in each year group) and that's worked so well for our eldest. But our MIL thinks we are "giving in to our 8 year old who doesn't want to change schools" by not moving to a school closer to our new house and shouldn't be dictated by a child....
Well the issue is, id love to keep the boys there, but 20 mins each way twice a day and we both work full time. I would have to use my lunch break to do the school run which means no break in my day which I can deal with, but we have after school activities which means I'd not actually get a break til around 8.30ish in the evening when I would then do my washing etc once everyone's asleep. It would be simpler to go to a local school... But it's the large class sizes and concerns with change for our boys, particularly the eldest does not cope well with change and the MIL thinks it wouldn't be fair on me, and also that we are giving in to a child's wants.
Do we just make do with the commute and just face the fact I'm just gunna have it full on and deal with it. Is 20 mins to school reasonable?

OP posts:
whosaidtha · 14/03/2024 14:05

It's tricky. Can you do this for the next seven years? What about when your eldest goes to high school? Will you be able to get them both to school? Will it be a different school to where his current friends go?

WitchesWithKnivesInTheirFeet · 14/03/2024 14:08

For me, a 20 minute commute is actually quite short, but I'm not you and am not having to fit it into my day. I also have a 20 minute commute for my DC (secondary age but dependant on me for all travel), and think it's wonderful compared to the 40 minute commute I had before we moved. If you don't want to move the kids I would see how it goes for a while and only make a decision after you've tried it for a term or so.

Edited to add - I think having ASD is good reason to keep them at a school they are happy and comfortable at, if it is workable for you. My DD has ASD and I know very well just how much of a difference a school can make - both positive and negative.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 14/03/2024 14:21

I assume you mean 20 minute drive, not walk. If so, I would definitely move them given they are early on at primary. If they go to a school more local, they'll be more likely to make local friends and go on to secondary with them. And you'll be saving the planet by not doing all that unnecessary driving. I wouldn't be surprised if their smaller school closes, all the small schools in our area are closing as there are far fewer children nowadays.

Marblessolveeverything · 14/03/2024 14:27

If you have a school with such small classy I would move heaven and earth to keep them there

It is providing your son with a distinct advantage that should not be ignored. Putting a child with ASD into a crowded classroom will impact them.

Can you not look for a childminder to collect and drop him home ?

SouthEastCoast · 14/03/2024 14:30

Had a 20 minute drive to my kids primary (tiny little village school) and I never thought it was a problem.

BungleandGeorge · 14/03/2024 14:32

20 minutes is a really short commute! It could mean many things though- 20 miles on a motorway, 4 miles across town, walking less than a mile. The first one I’d possibly be wary of. It has absolutely nothing to do with MIL though and she clearly doesn’t understand SEN parenting!

Sprinkles211 · 14/03/2024 14:32

All 3 of my children are sen, one mainstream, one specialist one too young for school yet. Mainstream child goes to a school 25mins away one way and the specialist is approx 40 minutes the opposite way (thank fully both on transport) the commute doesn't seem to bad but you are probably going to need childcare or transport options in the long term to make it sustainable for you as a family.

TeenDivided · 14/03/2024 14:32

A negative of staying at the smaller school is it may hide difficulties for your ASD son which may mean appropriate arrangements aren't put in place for secondary school transition. Possibly better to confront the issues head on in primary so you know what they are iyswim?

Ignore MIL views on 'giving in'. You wouldn't be doing that, you would be doing what you thought best for your DC.

jodav40 · 14/03/2024 14:41

Do you have to move...? You probably have reasons but could you wait until they have finished school and save yourself the additional journey time?

NotFastButFurious · 14/03/2024 14:47

20 minutes each way isn't much really, it probably takes a lot of kids that long to walk or drive to school but your problem is that you're trying to work fulltime and do both school runs without any wrap around care, and realistically i don't think that's feasible because the school day isn't long enough. Could one of you start work early while the other does the school run then the early starter does pick up while the other works later?

Newuser75 · 14/03/2024 16:14

Marblessolveeverything · 14/03/2024 14:27

If you have a school with such small classy I would move heaven and earth to keep them there

It is providing your son with a distinct advantage that should not be ignored. Putting a child with ASD into a crowded classroom will impact them.

Can you not look for a childminder to collect and drop him home ?

I couldn't agree more. I currently do a thirty minute drive one way for the school run for similar reasons and it is totally worth it, however only you know if you could fit everything in. Is there a possibility of more flexible hours or someone to collect for you?

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 14/03/2024 17:54

I had to do this when my son broke his leg.

The drive there wasn't the issue, it was whether I could park, and then get out of the road easily enough (busy city school) and get to work. And I was just throwing him out the car on his own (Y6).

I think it will become too much, and after a few months you'll be kicking yourself for not moving them.

Had he not broken his leg it was a 45 minute walk which DH did; we moved but as he was in Y6 we didn't move him.

Newuser75 · 14/03/2024 19:55

Is there any wrap around care at the current school?

LoveSkaMusic · 14/03/2024 20:13

I moved 15mins drive away from the kids' primary school 5 years ago. So they were probably in year 3 and pre-school (at a guess).

As luck would have it, we ended up in a great catchment area for a secondary school. My youngest is in year 5 now so only 18 months of school runs left to go! Woohoo!

I won't lie, it's a pain in the backside, I took have my lunch break at school pickup time and my employer was fine with this. I exclusively WFH which obviously helps.

It's not that bad. The days go slowly but the years go quick!

CKMondlerlife · 14/03/2024 20:22

Your mother in law sounds like mine 😬I would try it for a term and see if it works for you. Is it a nice route? One you're happy to drive? Also is the new house near potential high schools?

MaloneMeadow · 14/03/2024 20:25

I’d say the vast majority of people have a 20 minute commute to do the school run? That’s not long at all

ForgottenCoat · 14/03/2024 20:25

We’re moving to a school half an hour away for our ASD child. It will be a slog but I have to do what is right for my child.

AnonyLonnymouse · 14/03/2024 20:32

It’s not a ‘twenty minute commute’ though, it’s twenty minutes there, five minutes doing the dropping off, plus twenty minutes back again. That’s if everything goes perfectly, so at least 45 minutes before the adult can even think about starting work. Then rinse and repeat at 3pm!

Could you forego space to stay in the same area?

slinkymalinki22 · 14/03/2024 20:35

I take my grandchildren to school every day which is a 9 mile journey. I also work full time so it is manageable. Like you I think continuity is important and my own children stayed at the same schools despite several house moves which made the commute lengthy. If you get into a good routine you'll be fine.

shepherdsangeldelight · 14/03/2024 20:36

MaloneMeadow · 14/03/2024 20:25

I’d say the vast majority of people have a 20 minute commute to do the school run? That’s not long at all

It will probably be longer in rush hour, and it's there and back with time to do the drop off/collection. It'll end up being the best part of an hour, twice a day.

With the youngest just starting Reception OP would be signing up for this for 7 years. I think it's too much and, although I understand the want to keep the older boy in a school where he is settled, he has enough years left in primary school to make a move worthwhile.

DodgeDoggie · 14/03/2024 20:41

Could you do year 4,5,6 in the original school for the oldest, then move the youngest to a closer school once the eldest starts secondary

Windintrees · 14/03/2024 20:45

A house move may be enough for your son to deal with as long as he continues in the same school. Change of house AND school is a lot.

Children who are happy at school are generally happier all the time.

Scottishgirl85 · 14/03/2024 20:54

Is it really 20 minutes though? Loading into car, driving through school traffic, finding parking, getting out of car, walking to classroom, queuing at classroom etc. That's a lot of time when you're meant to be working. It sounds very stressful to me.

PrincessTeaSet · 14/03/2024 21:05

A 20 minute walk or cycle would be fine. A 20 minute drive not unless it's on quiet roads with easy parking and even then... I would always go for a school in walking distance if at all possible. Realistically a 20 minute drive is 2 hours out of your day that you could be doing something else. It's the equivalent of an hour each way to work It's your health and free time that will suffer.

How does the school have such small class sizes and not combine year groups? That seems unusual

I would ignore mil though. Not her business

Flaskfan · 14/03/2024 22:39

If they go to a school local to where you move to, they may find friends who live in walking distance. Dc has benefitted enormously from have mates from school that she can go and call for.

Do you wfh? Otherwise I can see your morning commute being a nightmare. I work officially a 30 minute drive from my house (17 miles). It's rare that it actually takes 30 minutes to get there and coming home can be up to an hour.

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