Husband whinging, but I have bigger problems

[MegladonTooth]

A close relative is dying of cancer. They are hours away from passing and I’m devastated. I’ve been back and forth to the hospital constantly for weeks. I not long got back in tonight, have only just eaten for the first time today. My relative may go tonight, I have no idea. It’s turning over and over in my mind and I’m exhausted, already grieving, feeling anxious.

My husband is usually brilliant. Takes me to the hospital, helps out around the house etc…especially now, but this week he has a bad cold and cough. And he’s talking about it endlessly. “Its the worst one he’s ever had; he’s no good to anyone like this; he’s pulled something in his back coughing; he has to lean forward now” etc

I can’t bare it. I want to scream at him, FFS, I Don’t give a shit! I can’t summon an ounce of sympathy.

Im not saying he’s stopped helping or anything, but he keeps bringing the conversation back around to his cold, and I want him to understand my sadness. He’s missing that altogether. He’s failing to see my hurting because he’s blinded by talking about himself. I am sick of it.

No, I haven’t told him yet. Neither am I really engaging with him. I’m too exhausted. I know I’m both being unreasonable and being reasonable. I just need to vent.

I voted unreasonable, sorry, because you said yourself that his actions haven't changed, only his words. But I realise that actually maybe you just want to vent here, which is completely 100% reasonable.

I'm sorry you are going through this hard time, sending you good wishes.

He seems like a good one so give him some grace. I’d ask him to give you a hug because you’re having a hard day and so is he.

Can you just ignore him. Have a shower and clean clothes after something to eat and go back to the hospital. To be with your relative. I’m sure you’ll feel better being with your dear relative than at home with someone who is only able to focus on his own, somewhat trivial, illness.
take care

Maybe he is just venting. We are all allowed to feel pissed off and vent. The trick is to know what is genuine grievance and what is a vent.

Sounds like he’s jealous of the time and attention you’re giving to someone who is about to die. He’s got a cold, FGS! It’s pathetic, there really is no comparison. If he was also seriously ill, I could understand it. But a cold?! Really?! He’s laying that on you on top of everything you’re dealing with? Nope. Not good at all. I’d be considering my options. He has shown you who he is, that he wants to be your number one priority whatever happens, and that your thoughts and feelings don’t matter. I’m sorry for your impending loss.

Sorry to hear about your imminent loss OP. Maybe tell him that you're struggling to be sympathetic when your relative is close to death, but naturally you are consumed by grief, and in comparison a sniffle and a bit of a cough seem pretty unimportant. Hopefully he'll be less self absorbed when the worst happens. Take care of yourself, and sending a hug.

I think the sentence you need is along the lines of "sorry dear, with everything else, my sympathy cup isn't exactly overflowing. I'm sure you'll be better soon. I'll mop your furrowed brow next time if it's all the same to you?"

He is probably doing that awkward conversation thing men do, when they talk shite rather than sit in grief and silence. Just ask him for a hug and accept the embrace. He is still the lovely soul you married - just a snotty one who can’t think of anything else to say right now.

OP, I'm sorry about your relative being ill.
This must be a really sad and stressful time for you.