Childhood Emotional Neglect

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I’m in my 40’s and just coming to terms with the fact I was neglected and emotionally abused as a child by my parents. I still kind of believe it wasn’t that bad but at times I wonder how much I’m dissociating from it. Has anyone else experienced this? What has helped?

My mum constantly told me she didn’t want me as I was the wrong gender and she wanted a boy. I was left alone in the house from a very young age. I remember being around 3 and climbing on cupboards to get food for myself. My hygiene was not great and I remember being picked on by kids in school calling me smelly. My mum isolated me and I was never allowed to have friends or talk to anyone. I never went to a birthday party in my entire childhood. I was clever and got good grades and went to university but it was such a terrible experience as I stayed in my room and didn’t know how to interact with people. It makes me so sad as I was so in need of love and support and it would have just taken a small bit of effort from my flat mates to include me but they didn’t. I grew up feeling different from everyone.

sitting here now I feel I’m still imprisoned, I just go to work and come home and I try to make a good life for myself and my 2 kids but I feel so alone. I just don’t know how to start living my life

It happened to me too OP. It took 45 years for me to finally be diagnosed with complex PTSD as a result of this. Since then I've had psychiatric treatment but unfortunately I'm too old now for that to have helped. The medication makes it bearable and I'm on it for life.
It's really important that you get help now. Ask your GP to refer you.
Check out CPTSD and see if any of it applies to you.
All my treatment was on the NHS. Good luck.

You poor thing. I don't have great suggestions in terms of what to do next, like the last poster, but I do want to say that I've heard what happened to you and it's awful. To isolate a child and make them feel unwanted is a terrible thing to do, and may have felt worse than physical punishment at times. You have two children- do you have a partner or are you on your own with them?

A lot of this post resonates with me. My anxiety got the better of me in my 30s after a background of childhood trauma, I burned out and I finally started counselling to unpick these sorts of issues.

If you feel able to talking therapies with a professional really help. I was such a chronic people pleaser I would bend over backwards for people that didn't show up for me in a desperate attempt to get the love and approval I never got as a kid. My therapist always encouraged me to not minimise these experiences, that it was that bad, but accepting that, recognising why it makes you feel the way that it does can allow you to move forward and develop better coping strategies and ways to interact with others.

Now I am able to have more more balanced relationships and friendships and don't the criticism so badly. It is a hard slog bringing up this stuff but I manage so much better now I would recommend it to anyone.

I too am SO sorry to hear that your childhood was like that OP, as another poster said, NO child should feel unloved or be neglected, and yet all too often it happens. I don't have any real suggestions for what you can do to try and make life better going forward, but perhaps start with a double appointment with your GP, so that you have time to really talk, and then hopefully they would be able to refer you to someone who can help. Well done for telling your story on here, I do hope someone else may be able to give you clearer advice, and while I'd hate to think someone else went through it, if they did and they read your post, they may be able to help.

Thank you for your responses. What medication are you on @Gettingbysomehow

yes I do have a husband but he’s actually just like my mother! He makes me feel unwanted and I feel I walk on egg shells around him. The relationship is dead. He doesn’t want me but it’s easier for him as I take care of the kids, clean the house and cook his meals so he just puts up with me.

it’s his birthday today and I booked a lovely Restarant and kids were so excited as I’ve been telling them about it but he was in such a mood and said he doesn’t feel like it. I know I should have just taken the kids but I couldn’t so stayed in and ordered a takeaway.

Am I too old to now build my life? I’m thinking I need to feel better in my own skin first do losing the excess weight I’ve put on over the years will help.

Lots of similarities here OP, except I was an unwanted pregnancy ruining an already established family. I also was not allowed friends, playdates, parties and had to actively deflect friendships so I didn't get into trouble for being invited. There was not much basic care and lots and lots of criticism. As a result I've always felt unlikeable and have made some stupid life choices, and as an adult I feel like I have some kind of situationally created autism which has needed a lot of work to overcome. I'm in my 50s now and have had all kinds of therapy, but for some reason the book Complex PTSD: From Thriving to Surviving by Pete Walker really resonated with me. I'm living a mostly lovely life right now and so can you. You're amazing and you can do this.

Do you find you are really affected by your partners change in moods? I used to feel like this also, when you have suffered childhood trauma or complex ptsd it is quite common to feel responsible for others feelings, treading on eggshells etc. It can feel deeply unsettling when the mood changes as it takes you straight back to that feeling of not being safe. Again, talking therapy can help you work through this and feel less affected by it. Other people's emotions come from within, not from us and we aren't responsible for fixing it. And it isn't our fault.

Just saw your update and can also tick the moody mother-esque husband box! He's an exH and I now have a lovely one who understands all my weird baggage despite saying never again. There's hope I promise.

You are not too old! I have accepted I probably won't ever feel or view the world in a way that someone who had loving attentive parents would do. However, with some hard work and self care, learning how to look after yourself emotionally and improve your self worth, your life will change dramatically for the better. You can do this X

Thank you so much for your responses everyone.

@Nicolabodeux that is exactly what I’ve been thinking! In regards to autism, I feel like I have autism traits caused by my upbringing.

I've been thinking about getting this book for a while (the Pete Walker one), would you recommend it then? Is it helpful?

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your stories etc. I’m hoping everyone else who has gone through this can use this thread as a support.

The Pete walker book is free on Spotify audiobooks! Thank you for the suggesdtion I will listen on way to work tomorrow

I think if you have audible it’s on there too

I have the audiobook so I can relisten when things get overwhelming. The 14 inner critic attacks bit is really helpful I think.

A good trauma informed therapist may be able to help you, it’s helped me. I suffered intense emotional neglect & suffer from disassociation and fear of intimacy.
I recommend looking on the Bacp.co.uk website

you poor thing OP, that’s dreadful. I was abused too, like you ended up with a man just like my mother who I split up with a year ago after agonising about the decision for almost a decade, life is tough in some ways as a single mum but so, so much better too.

I’ve had many years of therapy, but I have found this podcast incredibly helpful recently, this episode may particularly resonate for you https://open.spotify.com/episode/4RLS4FxuwZVQGsf3SraPWa?si=jjv9XIYuRV-b7u-V_PCuOQ schema therapy is evidence based gold standard treatment for serious mental health issues but can be transformative for anyone.

you are never too old, the child part of you is still there and can still receive (and needs) love and healing. Give that little girl a big old hug and your unconditional love. you can reparent yourself now you’re an adult and be the mother you needed for yourself. Xx

Thank you all so much for the podcast and book recommendations

It's never too late to make changes and reset your life. There is always a way out. It takes strength, effort, determination and courage. These qualities are all within you, even if it doesn't feel like it.

The damage done to us by neglectful / abusive parents runs very deep. It can hit us decades later, as you have discovered.

Be gentle with yourself. Know that you are not alone.

Your description of "walking on eggshells" around your husband is a huge red flag. It is a description that is used very regularly by women who are in abusive relationships.

Please start reaching out to specialist charities and agencies who can begin to signpost you to the help you need to start rebuilding your life and creating a better future.

Women's Aid is a good place to start.

@Sicario thank you. When I had kids myself that’s when I realised how neglectful my parents were. It’s really tough but your right I need to sort it out now. I’m planning to organise my home today and tomorrow on my day off. My home is very cluttered just like my mind is! I need to start with my environment first I think

As one with a similar childhood background I can guarantee that you will feel happier, stronger, more energised, freer and more loving to yourself if are apart from your unpleasant DH, which on turn will benefit your DC.
I read on Mumsnet years ago which helped me at the time that 'you can never be emotionally happy' with a partner you don't feel has your best interests.

Ps take it easy with the decluttering, I'm doing the same myself today and it's exhausting! Small amounts at a time, breaks inbetween💪

Yes to the de-cluttering. You're about to embark on a new chapter, and it's a very good starting place.

Getting rid of things is both cathartic and liberating.

Think to yourself, "If I were to move into a new home for myself tomorrow, would I want to take this with me?" If it's a NO, then chuck it out.

Also, you'd be amazed how much money you can raise by selling things. eBay is your friend. Don't bother with facebook marketplace (too many time wasters). Check out your local auction house too. Even items that don't sell for much - it all adds up. Donate what you can't sell. Take the rest to the tip.

Books, DVDs, CDs and stuff like that can be easily turned into a bit of cash by using apps like Music Magpie, We Buy Any Books, Ziffit, and others. And there's Vintage Cash Cow (although don't expect much cash for your unwanted bric-a-brac).

Channel feel-good music in your head like George Michael's "Freedom" and remind yourself every day that you are taking back control of your life.

Clear out your environment.
Clear out your head.
Take no prisoners.

Remember also the Sunken Costs Fallacy. I found that less was definitely more when it came to my peace of mind and future happiness.