…to be infuriated by DH’s constant phone use?

[LeoBearandtherainbows]

Long story short we have two newborns and a three year old DD at home after a very long and traumatic journey of ttc via IVF over the past 10 years which includes the sudden loss of our first son after he was born full term on 25.12.18 and our daughter most recently who was one of our triplets who passed away at 12 days old on 03.12.13. The remaining two triplets came home in February after a long 11 week stay in the NICU.
DH works full time and leaves the house at 6am weekdays. He does not help with night feeds so once I go up to bed with the kids he stays up and has the night pretty much to himself. I then obviously do everything with the babies and DD as normal throughout the day. My issue is that whenever my husband is at home he is constantly on his phone. He is a manager where he works so I get that sometimes things happen that he has to deal with outside of work hours but this is constant, to the point where I end up feeling so much rage because I have what feels like zero help from him unless I ask or tell him what to do. If he’s not texting the group chat in work or taking phone calls outside of his working hours he’s on TikTok/facebook/ Instagram and is oblivious to everything going on around him to the point that I have to make him listen to DD when she talks to him. If I ask him to put his phone down to help or whilst he has the kids for me to go and do something quickly he gets defensive and nasty and says really unkind things which then leaves me really upset. He makes me feel as though I’m doing something wrong by wanting him to pay attention to his family and tells me that I’m a nag when I bring it up. It’s awful and it’s massively affected my mental health even more than before. He just doesn’t seem to care at all about how I feel. So AIBU to expect him to give at least some of his time to his family when he’s at home or should I just leave him be?

First of all I want to say how sorry I am for your losses. I lost my twin sons after birth in November. There are no words. I hope you are receiving counselling. You have been through so much

I think your husband needs to read how you feel. Pen it in a letter, be factual and to the point. Was he always like this?

I meant to add that the saying nasty things is out of order. There is no excuse, you are post birth and recovering still.

I am so, so sorry for your losses. What an absolutely horrendous time you've had.
Did your DH take any time off for paternity leave etc - what happened then. Have you discussed parenting much before - was he attentive previously?

You've both been through so much. It sounds as though he's not dealing with your losses in a healthy way... would he be open to counselling?

I'm so sorry for your losses and what you're going through right now.

I’m so sorry for your loss, such unimaginable heartbreak.

To be honest yes he always has had a tendency to have outbursts when confronted with anything that he may have done wrong. It’s something I’ve always excused for one reason or another but at this point I’m done with it because I’m at my limit.

Thank you for your reply. He is self employed so didn’t have much time off but even the time he did have off he was doing the same thing so I’ve not felt particularly supported through it all.

I have tried to raise issues with him before. I’m the communicator in the relationship but he’s the total opposite and takes everything as a criticism so it’s really difficult to have meaningful and respectful discussions about things like this 😔

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think depression and trauma has a huge part to play in this. I had lots of counselling and trauma therapy after losing our son but he felt he didn’t need it so I think it’s affecting him now.