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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is just suggesting a play date enough ?

30 replies

mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 19:12

My DD 4 started at a nursery preschool in September ( part of a larger school ). She'll go to school there too.

There have been a lot of birthday parties and the parents are friendly.

We chat at pick up etc.

Parents mention their child mentions my child and vice versa. It's clear who my DD mainly plays with etc.

I've now also seen the mums and their DD's a number of times and had some text exchanges with them.

I have casually suggested play dates and they all said ' yeah definitely '. But nothing came from it. Should I now suggest dates ? Or is the fact that I was the first to say it, kind of enough and now they should make the next move if they actually want a play date ?

I've mentioned it casually on different occasions to around 4 of them and nothing ever came back - suggesting a date or anything.

I'm not sure if I should now just back off and not speak of it again ( that's what I've done and that's my nature ) or if I should mention it again.

I can be a bit black and white about these things though. If I make a move, I kind of want a move back- otherwise I don't bother suggesting the same thing again. I'm obviously friendly, but I wouldn't bring up a play date again unless they did.. what would you do ?

OP posts:
All2Well · 13/03/2024 19:14

You need to actually invite them to something - name a time and place and ask. Otherwise you'll go round in circles.

NuffSaidSam · 13/03/2024 19:16

You need to actually ask them about a specific plan i.e 'would Chloe like to come over after school one day next week?'. What you've done so far is too vague.

43ontherocksporfavor · 13/03/2024 19:18

So they said yes and then you didn’t follow up. You should have closed it down either then or later by text.

LolaSmiles · 13/03/2024 19:18

I think there's two steps to playdates. The first is a friendly and general suggestion to see whether someone might be receptive or not, and then if it sounds like they might be suggest something more specific.
It's personal preference but if DC are young I like to meet up with the children and parents at a venue to start with before inviting people to my house. It takes the pressure of hosting, snacks, whether people will stay too long and other expectations.

JennyfromtheBlok · 13/03/2024 19:18

But you haven’t been Black and White about it!

People say ‘we must do this’ all the time without it materialising.

Just text a proper invite and they will say yes or no.

Original poster
mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 19:18

Ok cool, I just didn't want to be too forward.

It sometimes feels that way just because I've mentioned it to a few of them.

I'm new to the area so trying to make connections and it's not been so easy.

OP posts:
JennyfromtheBlok · 13/03/2024 19:20

But by just mentioning it, they don’t see that as a solid invite.

Just invite them with a few date/time options and take from there.

Also don’t overthink it!

43ontherocksporfavor · 13/03/2024 19:20

Text and say, “Was thinking about getting a date for a play date, how about x at x time?”

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 13/03/2024 19:20

With a 4 year old I would suggest a meet up in a park/soft play etc after school or weekend morning etc. I wouldn't invite little ones to play at the house until more established relationships

Original poster
mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 19:21

JennyfromtheBlok · 13/03/2024 19:18

But you haven’t been Black and White about it!

People say ‘we must do this’ all the time without it materialising.

Just text a proper invite and they will say yes or no.

I meant I can be too black and white about making an effort. I know that's an issue I have.

It just feels like I always make the effort with people. So I can be black and white about it if I don't feel it's reciprocated.

In my head I'm like : ok well I made the first step, now it's their turn.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 13/03/2024 19:21

Ask if anyone’s around to meet up at the park over the Easter holidays and suggest swapping numbers?

Original poster
mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 19:22

Shinyandnew1 · 13/03/2024 19:21

Ask if anyone’s around to meet up at the park over the Easter holidays and suggest swapping numbers?

Yeah ! I have their numbers already and we have exchanged texts

OP posts:
All2Well · 13/03/2024 19:24

mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 19:21

I meant I can be too black and white about making an effort. I know that's an issue I have.

It just feels like I always make the effort with people. So I can be black and white about it if I don't feel it's reciprocated.

In my head I'm like : ok well I made the first step, now it's their turn.

Show quote history

See, from their perspective, that reads sort like you want them to invite your child to their house. They aren't going to like being forced into that.

If you have their kids round first they will be more likely to reciprocate in future.

Original poster
mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 19:26

@All2Well oh no I don't mean it like that.

People tend to want to do play dates at the park or soft play first anyway. So I would be surprised they'd think I want an invite to their house.

Absolutely not !!

But thanks for the insight.

OP posts:
Zonder · 13/03/2024 19:29

Just pick one and invite them to your house for a play date. Give a date and time and see how that goes.

Singleandproud · 13/03/2024 19:30

I think you need to be more explicit, what's happened so far is small talk. There are going to be people that reciprocate and those that don't for their own reasons.

DD has always been happy to go to other people's houses but didn't want them at ours, we now know she's autistic but didn't at Primary. Some people will be at work and can't reciprocate during the week. Some have aggressive partners / MH issues / other disabled children / caring for elderly parents or other reason they don't want people to visit.

Playdates are for your daughter so don't be black and white and tit for tat keeping track of who hosted the last one, just invite whichever children she happens to be getting on with that week. One of DDs friends didn't do after school groups but Thursday was 'friends Day' and he and his sister could invite two friends around every week which was a lovely regular event for them.

YouBringLightIn · 13/03/2024 19:30

Suggest a get together over the Easter holidays at somewhere like a soft play or similar. Suggeat a couple of dates, not all of them might be able to make it, but go ahead with those that can.
This is the time to start building the network of mums that your child will know for all of primary, so it will take a bit of trial and error to find the friendship that fits.
In my experience no-one really thinks that's too forward, if they do they just say no and think no more about it.

mightydolphin · 13/03/2024 19:37

Yeah, if someone says something like that to me and doesn't follow through then I assume they want me to organise it all for them or that they were just being polite and never actually wanted to meet. It isn't work to say 'shall we do a playdate?' but it is work to think of a location, time and date that suits, if food needs to be sorted etc. I would have to be super keen to do that. I'd usually expect them to follow through and then I would organise the second meet if it went well.

All2Well · 13/03/2024 19:37

mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 19:26

@All2Well oh no I don't mean it like that.

People tend to want to do play dates at the park or soft play first anyway. So I would be surprised they'd think I want an invite to their house.

Absolutely not !!

But thanks for the insight.

Okay, that's good. You are still the one that's pushing for the play date though, so it's similar to this sort of scenario;

Jane: I'd love a night out!

Mary: Me too.

Annie: I'd be up for it!

Kate: Count me in ladies.

Jane: Well... someone else plan it all then!

You can see that's not the reasonable response.

In reality it would go like this;

Jane: I'd love a night out!

Mary: Me too.

Annie: I'd be up for it!

Kate: Count me in ladies.

Jane: Are we all free on the 31st? What do you fancy? Meal then drinks? Just drinks? Shall we go back to the Orchard again?

And then people would start coming up with something together. It's no different with play dates.

MsSquiz · 13/03/2024 19:56

What I did with DD1 was I wrote a little note and asked nursery staff to pop it in the bag of X and Y as they were the kids DD1 played with and talked about the most and I included my phone number so we could arrange a play date but it was in their court.

DD1 has since started a different school nursery to those friends but we still see them regularly and the mums have become 2 very good friends of mine

Original poster
mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 20:11

mightydolphin · 13/03/2024 19:37

Yeah, if someone says something like that to me and doesn't follow through then I assume they want me to organise it all for them or that they were just being polite and never actually wanted to meet. It isn't work to say 'shall we do a playdate?' but it is work to think of a location, time and date that suits, if food needs to be sorted etc. I would have to be super keen to do that. I'd usually expect them to follow through and then I would organise the second meet if it went well.

Fair enough, again. Thanks for your insight.

I'm the complete opposite ! If someone suggested it to me, I would follow up and say- what about that play date then ? When's a good time ? As I would see it as being my turn to reciprocate and show that I'm interested. I wouldn't call the shots on where and when, but I would ask to start planning it properly.

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 13/03/2024 20:30

That’s cos you’re a doer op. I have realised in my 52 years that some people do all the inviting and hosting and some are professional guests and accepters. You just have to deal with it if their company is worth it.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/03/2024 20:37

It's not about you. If your kid likes playing with the kid and wants to invite them then you do just that. 'dd would love it if your dd can come round to play next week, would X day suit?
Then go from there. But it should be led by your child. It's really normal to do playdates at home, but if that's an issue just invite them to the park. I think at first free stuff or home is best in case there may be a financial barrier to going to soft play or a paid thing.

Original poster
mumsatschool · 13/03/2024 20:47

BobbyBiscuits · 13/03/2024 20:37

It's not about you. If your kid likes playing with the kid and wants to invite them then you do just that. 'dd would love it if your dd can come round to play next week, would X day suit?
Then go from there. But it should be led by your child. It's really normal to do playdates at home, but if that's an issue just invite them to the park. I think at first free stuff or home is best in case there may be a financial barrier to going to soft play or a paid thing.

Yes I know !! She's been saying when can XYZ come to my house ! The mums have also mentioned their girls have mentioned it too.

It's clearly a little group of girls that want to all hang out with each other.

I just feel like I always have to push and make the first move with stuff and I'm tired of it.

But I'll do it for DD.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 13/03/2024 21:12

@mumsatschool I'm glad you are doing it. I understand if it seems awkward at first but once you've done it, you will find it so much easier. Just think of it as admin on behalf of her, and if you and other mum get on then it's a nice extra.

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