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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

With P and his internet flirting??

46 replies

zephyrcat · 26/03/2008 19:31

Ok, story so far.... I use Facebook and msn to keep in touch and catch up with old friends. We all play with the applications and have a bit of fun.

DP has now started using both FB and msn. I sat with him and helped jim find all his old friends and how to use it etc... no problem.

Then he started with an application on FB called owned where you 'buy' your friends. Next thing I notice dp is searching for random women/girls to 'own'. One sent him an innocent comment about a pic of his tattoo and they're now on msn!

This afternoon he was on another app searching for women to 'flirt' with and has been adding random girls to his friends list and asking them to help him change his passwords (I set them up so I knew them). The password changing doesn't bother me at all, it's all the flirting and messages... so I lost it at him.

Am I being totally unerasonable? Is that what everyone does on facebook??

OP posts:

Panyanpickle77 · 26/03/2008 21:36

Alternatively set up another facebook in a made up name with a borrowed picture and add "owned". Send him a message and see if you can catch the fecker out.....he'll have no chance of denying anything then lol

Original poster

zephyrcat · 26/03/2008 21:55

Mrsaek I like your style...

Hmmmmm...

OP posts:

Divastrop · 26/03/2008 21:56

i like the idea of setting up a new account in a false name,but when it comes down to it you shouldnt have to play him at hs own game or catch him out,he shouldnt be flirting with other women

i got requests to add those flirt/owned applications from single friends who i assume needed to invite a certain amount of friends so they could use the app.of course,as i am married i rejected them.the only males on my friends list are a couple of old school friends who i never speak to anyway.

vixnpips · 26/03/2008 21:59

Zephyrcat I've been there, long story but. It went on for about a year.. we ended up at relate! and nearly divorced. I also had they "can't I have friends" until...
One of my DH's girls even left him a message on our home phone! that got put threw to MY mobile phone ( I have this for set up for the kids, just in case).
I am left with no trust and sometimes wondering why I am still with him and has he just gone underground with it all or has he really stopped!
I'm so sorry for you and big hugs x

lou33 · 26/03/2008 22:08

i have owned

i will do it for you zeph, if you like?

DforDiva · 26/03/2008 22:10

Have heard and read so much about FB being the devils work. DH and I agreed there are so much fun without FB.
Im sorry to hear it, catching him in act will be good idea. He may hopefully stop.
Good luck.

LaComtesse · 26/03/2008 22:12

I think that the mucking about flirt things on facebook shouuld be reserved for single people or those who genuinely don't mind if their 'other half' for want of a better word, mucks about on there.

I'd be worried that they'd be looking for someone else or wondering why they didn't want to spend more time with me instead of playing around on the net . The wanting friends thing is a smokescreen - classic guilt-trip.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 26/03/2008 22:13

I definitely wouldn't go on the owned application as he'll be able to say "well, YOU do it" then. He has to see that using flirty apps when you're in a serious relationship is wrong.

Personally I think facebook is more trouble than it's worth, it has so far reunited my dp with not only about three or four of his ex girlfriends but also his "one that got away" crush who is a new divorcee and thin, pretty, flirtatious etc

Having said that, my dp did know these women in the past, he isn't just scouting for new women to "make friends" with. I think that's the worst bit of your situation.

Afaic he's allowed friends: Old ones of any gender, new male ones, and new female ones he meets through work etc who he does not flirt with! YANBU.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/03/2008 22:15

Can you go into the setting on his msn and save a log of all conversations?

vixnpips · 26/03/2008 22:24

if you save the msn history.. remember to ask it not to show a history of last conversation in the chat box thing!! and get it to send the history to a file with your name on within ur pc!.. but this can open a whole can of worms

LaComtesse · 26/03/2008 22:31

I'd only save the MSN conversation if you're really sure you can handle what you read.

Supposing it is even slightly derogatory to you? If he's flirting with other women, even if he doesn't really think it, he might write it to impress them.Besides which, I'm not sure spying on him in turn is the best way to handle this.

madje2 · 26/03/2008 22:53

My dp did a similar thing. He was recovering from quite a major operation and spending a lot of time on an internet game. I then found out he had been chatting on msn to a woman he had met on this game. I only found out because he gave her his mobile number and I accidentally saw a text message from her on it. It said that her husband had found message history on her pc and was furious. I confronted him and he confessed they had been flirting on msn for weeks. I have never asked what form this flirting took but I know it was pretty pornographic. I was really hurt especially as I had been totally supporting him and caring for him through his illness. I was close to leaving him, I still don't trust him, probably never will.In my eyes it is nearly as bad as actually having an affair. The betrayal is just the same.

vixnpips · 26/03/2008 23:05

Madje2 totally agree with you

Original poster

zephyrcat · 27/03/2008 10:04

I've thought about this all night. Would you really do it Lou? Let's do it.....

OP posts:

Tippychick · 27/03/2008 10:41

Funny - this is one of the (many) straws that broke the camel's back for me and my XP. He too was new to these sites and had me show him how to use them ( I don't really use them myself but I could work out how). He then got a bit over-confident - changed his relationship status to "looking" or "ask and I might tell you" and changing passwords. He also searched through a lot of sites with names like "meet to cheat" and worse whilst pretending to be job searching.

I finally flipped when I ws checking his email for him (as he asked me to-not snooping) and found the registration emails for various sad-b**stard sites. I confronted him and he changed his email password pronto, denied everything and said it was just a bit of fun. Like your OH, he wasn't very computer literate so didn't know how to the clear the search history etc so he started off with denial then moved to "you're being unreasonable" etc.

I had a 5 month old baby at the time and thought that his time would have been better emploted getting a job, we didn't last another 6 months I'm afraid. Sorry to be a doom-bringer but that was my experience. I sympatihse with you, it's a horrible feeling.

BearMama · 27/03/2008 10:59

Zephyr, my ex-DP was using "sad-bastard" sites too and I did the honeytrap thing - set myself up as someone who was interested and we exchanged messages.
By the time I was ready to leave I confronted him and he denied it and said "You can check my email" but he didnt know that the links in the emails went straight to the messages. I had the proof I needed and was literally straight out the door.
Not saying you should leave BTW (there was other stuff going on which made it impossible to stay), just saying that they will happily deny it and prob be quite convincing too.
When a man's ego is involved they dont know when to stop. It was all the potential fo escalation that worried me with ex-DP.
Now I am with someone who is committed, faithful, and wouldnt dream of using sites like this. He has Facebook and MySpace and many female friends but I know I can trust him, and do.

scorpio1 · 27/03/2008 11:05

I think Facebook is evil, actually.

DH has been on it lately, adding friends (OK)etc and talking to a 'woman' i had asked him not to bother with at least 2 years ago on there. I told him i knew (I'm not apologising for going on there)and that i felt like i couldn't trust him on it.

TBH i think most men on FB have that Are you interested Programme, and there is also a thing called Secret wall but that is password protected.

DH deleted his profile on there, because he saw how i felt and im more important. Is this an option? IMO he should not be flirting online, these women are not 'friends'.

vixnpips · 27/03/2008 11:17

This really is not a nice thing for anyone to have to go through. It is acceptable to use the internet, make friends or find old friends etc. Getting messages from another person who has bothered to say "hi how you doing?" is nice as they have thought about you and bothered. I can see whey this is nicer than coming home from work and being told that the kids had done x,y and z, OH has done x,y and z and the frezer has broken down again! and could you pop and grab some milk.
The point is these people are escaping from Rl for a bit, or enjoy the ego stroking at the cost of their RL relationships, the trust they have. It is totaly unacceptable to spend more time flirting online than making an effort in your real relationships.
It might be better to just say that you find it hurtful,etc than going round the houses to catch him out.
The fact that you feel you need to catch him IMO shows that you feel you have to justify that it is making you feel bad. As he has alid the Guilt and your being unreasonable card at your feet.

Surely if he respects your relationship and loves you, why would he want to carry on with something that is making you feel bad.

From my own experience maybe before you go through with catching him out, ask yourself what you are going to do with the information you might jolly well get.

lou33 · 27/03/2008 15:59

if you want me too zephyr

email me at morticiatsf at googlemail dot com, and we can chat

whoops · 27/03/2008 17:15

oh dear Zephrcat

Come out with me to the pub on Saturday night and tell him you are going to flirt properly with men!!

Maybe you should take a picture tonight of him and put that on his profile

You never kno it might give him an incentive to get his haircut and shave too!

Original poster

zephyrcat · 27/03/2008 18:42

Will email you tonight Lou - thanks

Lol Whoops! Yes the pic on his profile is not as he is eh??! It may well scare the little girls away hehe

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