To be feel so flat and overwhelmed

[TheDarkHouse]

If you’re going to tell me to “get over myself” “get on with it” or any variation thereof please click the backspace to return back to the main page!

I just need to get it off my chest - I just feel so overwhelmed today. I have two DC, one 2.5 one nearly 5. My DH works away or works long hours so it’s always me juggling. I do ALL the house admin, cooking for everyone, organising. I am very fortunate to work 3 days. By the time I have got everyone up, dressed, done the school drop, done the nursery drop I just feel like I need a sit down. Nevermind starting a day at work.

Is it just me? I look at other women (particularly lone parents) and think how on earth do you do this and be financially independent (those that are). My children are lovely and I love having them, I just feel on the brink so much of the time.

Not helped that I don’t really get weekends off. DH isn’t around, he won’t be available this weekend, was only around last Saturday. So I have another 10 days or so until I can hand over to another parent.

I use the leisure centre creche two days a week so I atleast get to work out for an 1-2 hours, shower in peace, before getting my youngest and starting again.

House is on the market. I have no interest in moving, DH wants to. But it doesn’t affect him practically as it’s me that organises getting the kids out the way/cleaning/tidying for viewings.

I feel incredibly fortunate, objectively we are very affluent and I can afford all the luxuries that make life easier, like the leisure centre creche, a cleaner etc. But days like today I just want to curl up and sleep and cry!

Just me? When does it ease off?

It sounds relentless.

If you are not bothered about moving I would stop the house viewing prep. I would also tell him you don't want to move and it needs to go on hold until he is around to help more!

Would a nanny be an option? Even part time?

Thanks for your understanding @RandomMess I have considered a Nanny. Youngest DC is in nursery 3 days whilst I’m at work, that costs £950 pcm so I really can’t justify more in childcare. I’m not sure if it would work?

The creche helps as I get that time for me. Although DH witters about the cost but he is just never there!

In September youngest DSC should start the school preschool which will be much cheaper - I plan to put him in 9-3 one day and work either half that day or not at all. I think that will help.

Last week was parents evening for eldest, stay and play at nursery for youngest. Feel like I’m constantly chasing my tail to even get my hours in!

it isn't just you, a mothers load is so much to juggle, and it is endless. Housework overwhelms me too and theres so much going around my head at any given time, I just wish I wasn't the CEO of the family 24/7! I can never fully relax. I get it. If you can afford help, get it wherever you can because life is too short for this shit.

I think anyone would find it hard. Your DH needs to reconsider his working pattern, it’s just not feasible when he’s presumably chosen to have small children. Alternatively, would an au pair be an option? It would take some of the pressure off the morning hectic routine.

I looked at au pairs last summer, my concern was we’re quite isolated where we live and I think I’d have to get them a car to use too. It all seemed quite complicated and then expensive.

Thank you - it really is the load of it all isn’t it.

I work 4 short days and to be honest only manage because DH WFH, so does school dropoff, and I have one DS who is now going into year 1. Working part time when DS was 1-3 was really tough.

It gets easier when they are all at school. I use my day off to sort out food shopping, admin, cleaning (not every week! Some weeks I go for brunch with mates).

It does sound relentless.

Why is your husband hardly ever around at weekends?

Good point. If he's swanning off to play golf for his "downtime" then you should be getting a day off at the weekend.
However if he's working far away like my DH sometimes does when he's in LA, it can take one of the weekend days to travel out or get back.

Your DH can handle house viewing logistics if he wants to move! He sounds unsupportive. Sometimes PT work means you have both work mental load and the majority of kid/ house mental load too.

Oh gosh we’re moving and it’s just so hard. If you don’t need to, absolutely put it off until the kids are bigger or your H more available!

It sounds like shit OP, I feel you. I only have one and I do 99% of everything, the mental load is the worst. It is absolutely relentless, and you are not alone

You have a DH problem. (Yes, it’s hard and relentless and does get better a bit but running a house and family on your own is so so hard even when kids are bigger. Your H is not supporting you other than financially - which is important but not IMO enough.)

You are in the eye of the storm with regards to your children’s ages and juggling work and running a household so please cut yourself some slack.

You say you are quite isolated where you are living, is this part of the problem? Would moving house actually help?

can you pay for more help? Are there any local caterers who could fill your freezer? Are there any local teenagers who could regularly babysit?

You are doing a great job, hang in there!

I’m sorry but your dp sounds bloody awful. I was like you - part-time job, kids, organising house move and my ex h was nowhere to be seen. It’s not just his lack of presence but then expecting you to organise the house move as if he has no idea of how much you already do.

i know you love him but how does he prove that he loves you? Is it just by earning money? Does he think that as he’s the breadwinner you get to be the skivvy?

And as others have said what does he do at the weekend?

i would be reminding him that if you leave he’ll have to step up and lose half his weekends or his money so he should do a bit more now.

I have just realised that this is an old thread.

@TheDarkHouse how are things now?

DH has a child from a previous relationship with complicated SEN and physical disabilities who isn’t safe around our small children (this has evolved in the last few years - nobody foresaw this outcome when they were younger re the safety aspect and we always thought it would somehow resolve and be a phase, not be a sustained issue) so he spilts weekends between them and then when he doesn’t have them he often finds himself having to work because the industry he’s in demands some weekend working.

To be fair to DH he has zero hobbies, aside from the gym which he only really does to maintain his health (health scare, different topic) and every spare moment is spent with his DC or maintaining the house. He has a very demanding job though.

Things have got much better in the last few months. Not sure if it’s the summer but my DC seem to have matured and I’ve started anti anxiety medication which has helped manage my overwhelm.

Thanks for being a sounding board and offering advise guys.

Sorry I was harsh in my earlier response op. I’m glad things are improving.

@stealthninjamum that’s ok, I try not to put everything onto that and didn’t include it in my OP. But it makes the dynamics more challenging.

And actually it’s been nice to resurrect this post as I was in a bleak place then but have made some positive changes over the last 5.5 months which means I am doing much better!

Me too! Apologies for bumping it, I hate when people do that.