To feel like I am a failure at work due to my neurodiversity

[Goldencherry]

Feeling such a failure and so embarrassed. I have ADHD and am on the autistic spectrum. I started a new job a few months ago. Up until now I have managed to deal with all the things I find difficult - long meetings with everyone chit chatting for 20 minutes before even starting the agenda, endless waffling and not getting to the point, superficial conversations.

However I am currently under a lot of stress at home and this has reduced my tolerance levels. A few days ago I was in a meeting with my manager and her manager as well as other members of staff. The "top" manager was really waffling and what she was saying did not make any sense to me. Usually I would have just smiled, nodded and gone along with it, but somehow that day I couldn't. I said that I didn't understand what was being asked of me and I clarified what she had said and clarified the situation as I saw it. I then also said that what she was asking me to do was not going to be an efficient use of time, and then explained why. No one contradicted me, but I think it probably came across as abrupt and not my place to say it. It seemed to highlight that the manager had not been clear about it. Everyone looked taken aback and afterwards one of them emailed me to ask if I was ok.

I feel really embarrassed as I can imagine it might have come across as arrogant. The thing is I am usually massively masking - smiling and being quiet and compliant, so it was probably like they all saw another (not very nice) side of me. The thing is, if I could be in an environment where there was consistent direct, clear communication and no waffling and superficial conversation, my behaviour would be more consistent, but as it stands I feel I am either masking and being polite and quiet, or my frustrated self that needs clarity and directness emerges like a monster!

They do know that I have ADHD and am on the autistic spectrum, but I don't feel they have a deep understanding of it and can't relate this sort of behaviour to it.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can work on myself to improve this situation? I like all my colleagues and respect them, and I know that people have different communication styles. I am feeling ashamed of myself.

I would apologise to your manager and explain that you are a were a bit stressed and should have approached the conversation differently.

I would also explain to that you work best with a very direct communication style - have you shared your diagnosis? If so, say that is why. Communication is key, most managers appreciate knowing how best to work with their managees.

In the long term, if your workplace is the kind of place where lots of work gets done through casual conversation and social chit chat, you may want to reconsider if it's the right place for you. I work in a STEM department of a University and indirect waffle would get you absolutely nowhere, so sometimes it's just about the environment you're operating in.

I can sympathies OP. I find it tough when there is so much waffle and you just want clearly communicated guidance.

I would generally advise to improve the tone of questions raised during meetings. On the face of it, asking for clarity is perfectly OK, however delivery changes everything.

Also review whether it is more appropriate in your work setting to raise this kind of question directly to manager 1 on 1. In particular raising concerns about efficiency of new proposals. This depends on the culture of the organisation that you work for.

In short, yes you have ND and that will mean that navigating these things will be extra challenging. Your workplace should support you where possible. However you don't want to become known as the difficult one, or the confrontational one.

@KittensSchmittens Thanks, yes I feel embarrassed to bring it up, but maybe I should apologise to my manager. I have shared my diagnosis, and the managers seem to know the "theory" of neurodiversity, but maybe not so much about how it can affect communication in work settings, so yes I'm sure it would be helpful to have that conversation with them.

I work in a social care environment and am late forties - I just don't feel like I have the time or energy to retrain now, but in an ideal world I would probably be in a different work environment or working for myself.

@DeedlessIndeed Thank you - you are right, the delivery changes everything. I tend to speak directly and I think I become even more direct when I am stressed. So if I am asking for clarity for example, I need to make sure that I have a smile on my face, and perhaps preface what I am saying with a self deprecating comment eg "That all sounds good, but I'm not quite sure I understood x, y and z, would it be possible to just run through that again?"

And yes knowing which points would be better to raise with a manager 1:1, and which are appropriate in a general meeting is important to look at.

I definitely don't want to be seen as the confrontational or difficult one. I am feeling stressed about this as I think people think when I am like that that I don't like them or I'm looking down on them, but the point is I usually just don't understand the situation or I am finding it hard to cope with the waffle.

OP, if it's a meeting with other people in future maybe just say to whoever is giving instructions that you'd like to quickly follow up after the meeting just to double check some details.

In general though you should push for reasonable adjustments that require people delegating tasks to you to do this in writing, or if they insist on doing it verbally, they let you record them.

I have had to request this as am dyslexic and dyspraxic. I have poor working memory, and if the person giving verbal instructions doesn't speak in a logical manner (e.g. talking about another part of the task before they have finished explaining the first part) it's a nightmare for me to remember what they have said or take accurate notes.

Having access to a recording allows me to piece together the instructions in a way that makes sense.

On the plus side, in my 360 reviews, I have had junior colleagues praise me for offering extremely clear instructions. I think because of my own issues, I am always thinking about the ways something could potentially be misunderstood when delegating.

I request the meeting agenda prior to meetings. This is so I know what will be discussed and I can ask questions beforehand.
If you haven’t already, request an OH referral.

Oh god OP you could be me. Though I'm not diagnosed with anything the more of this I read the more I think maybe that applies to me. I feel like I've swung the other way now and trained myself to fit in with waffle that all I do is waffle and don't do anything productive if the instruction is even a little bit waffley. I come from a tech background but by nature of being good with the tech I've been thrust more and more into client facing and that has led to a much worse signal to noise ratio for me, and a job and industry I used to love I now hate. Not much advice as I feel like I have the same challenges, but I would ask yourself why apologise. Why is your way wrong. Why can't they apologies for waffling on and generally not being clear and concise. I feel trained into my way being worse because the boss uses the waffle way, but surely i'm not wrong just different. Basically I feel your pain. Much support

Hello OP. I am not ND (if I can use that shorthand?) but I do have colleagues who are.

You are not being difficult by asking for adjustments. It is honestly in everyone's best interests for you to have adjustments and it works well at our place.

I would suggest you get some advice and then go to your employers with a positive request for what you need. See what is possible. There's all sorts that works well. Reducing contact times, quieter desks spaces, agendas in advance, material in advance, recordings afterwards. All sorts. It doesn't have to be massive stuff and nobody at our place is bothered by it. And we still do a good job.

Have a think and maybe someone like the National Autistic Society- or even Instagram/ TikTok people might give you some pointers on what can help and be easily done in your workplace.

Yes Occupational Health. And if you can help it, do not be embarrassed. You can apologise to the manager. And then have e a think about reasonable adjustments.

Massive sympathy, OP. I have recently been diagnosed with ASD and tbh I find it absolute torture when people aren't clear. Drives me nuts. I also mask and it's exhausting - though recently I have been kinder to myself. I am SO productive, and now I actually think my way of working is a lot better than the endless waffle, inability to make decisions, and general crap-ness at getting actual work done - so pat yourself on the back because you're the sort of person I'd love to work alongside :)

It would be beneficial to both you and your employers if you were referred to occupational health who can help you identify reasonable adjustments to enable you to work at the same level as your peers.

It's better to be open about this, and you could ask your managers to have a look at the neurodiversity in business website to give them some initial pointers.

Things I have in place are:

Active noise cancelling headphones
Micro breaks when I lost focus - I get up and move around, usually have a brisk walk around the office building.

Tasks set at followed up in an email that's specific and to the point.

Meeting agenda prior

Body doubling for when I need to crack on - having someone working side by side with me.

I mostly work from home

Regular manager catch up once a week

If someone messages for a quick chat, they tell me what it's about so I don't automatically think I've messed up and am going to be fired!

You can do this. Your unique skills can be an absolute asset to a business. Creativity, ability to set things from a different perspective, hyperfocus, innovative ideas etc.

I'm double spicy, just like you but a little further on from diagnosis. I now support my peers within the business. Shout if you want any more info.

Unfortunately, meetings can be a struggle for everyone in different ways at different times.

I've worked in office environments since school and have found many meetings over the years incredibly stressful, and I'm not on the spectrum. Unfortunately, we don't live in a world where we can control how people deliver information/behave, etc. What's right for you wouldn't necessarily be right for someone else. In a way, nothing a manager does will please everyone, all of the time.

But you could apologise, and in the future, ask for a couple of minutes alone with your manager to explain a process further if this is what you need.

Each office has a different dynamic, and sometimes moving compaies helps if things get too hard for you.

If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't sound like what you did was serious, I've seen far worse over the years 😊

It will blow over xx

I would use this as a springboard to get additional support.

First I would send a quick email to the manager, apologise and just say something like - as you know I am autistic, as a social and communication disability this can make me more abrupt and to use the wrong tone when stressed I did not intend to be rude in X meeting and feel like what I said may have come across that way. However, I feel that there are accomodations that could be put in place to support me and will talk to Z (line manager) about an employee passport and an occupational health referral.

Thanks so much everybody for all the supportive posts, and all the ideas, it really means a lot. And thanks as well to those who have recommended that I get in touch with OH, I hadn't thought of that, but that's also a really good idea.

Some pps have suggested that I could have the meeting agenda in advance. The thing is, I usually do, but the main problem is that people usually take 15/20 minutes to even start the meeting, what with small talk and faffing around, and then don't even stick to the agenda. It probably sounds like these are minor problems, but I feel so stressed by it - I wish I didn't have to attend the meeting at all, as I feel I don't know how to act like everyone else, and usually sit there in silence unless someone asks me a specific question.

Your post made me laugh as I can so relate to all the "waffle" issues! That's amazing that you've managed to train yourself to waffle - I actually said to a colleague recently that I envied his ability to waffle as I could see that it helped in some situations to connect with people and put people at ease, and I wanted to learn how to do it. I'm sorry that you don't like your job and industry now though.

Re apologising, thank you for saying that my way might not be wrong, just different. That has made me feel better.

Yes, I'm the same, I find it absolute torture. I am also productive and get work done very quickly. I have felt very confused how people sometimes talk for ages in meetings about ideas but nothing ever comes of it. Or they vaguely say " Yes, we should look into that". I then research it and feed back what I've found in the next meeting and they are all surprised as they'd forgotten about it. I wouldn't spend ages talking about something unless it was important and needed following up, but others seem to.

I haven't understood how people get to be high up in companies when they find it difficult to make decisions or actually do the work. I think maybe some people are very good at connecting with people and somehow being part of the group, and others are better at making decisions and being productive. I guess both ways of working have their positives and negatives.

@Mabelface thank you for all the ideas. I've just had a look at that website, it's got some really good resources.

The fact that someone messaged to see we’re you ok was a good thing. We’ve all had and seen things like this where someone got overwhelmed and seemed like it might have been a bit too much. Try not to worry op x

Is autism your primary diagnosis?

I have adhd and can tend to waffle! Perhaps your colleague does too. Lots of helpful suggestions on the thread so far, I hope you get some support.

@Goldencherry the training yourself to waffle sadly also involves not recalling anything useful from the interaction. Basically you spend an hour on a teams call and nodding and smiling and not taking anything in, occasionally you have an anecdote that fits, then afterwards you do nothing until someone chases you up. Ideally you miss their call and then send them an e-mail apologising for missing them in the hope they eventually follow up in writing. It's very hard work. TBH, communicating everything in a list as a follow up would be a much better way for everyone to do business in my eyes, but possibly not for people who like to walk around on speaker phone all the time (my pet hate of client)

I appreciate this point that you’re super productive. But as someone who has adhd, a tendency to waffle and get distracted despite medication I find thjs quite offensive. You may be ruthlessly efficient but not all of us can be despite trying incredibly hard. It’s important to also have empathy for your colleagues. Someone waffling may not be choosing to frustrate you but could also be ND like you are. “General crapness at getting actual work done” isn’t a very kind thing to say about your colleagues. Kindness goes both ways.

Your company must make reasonable adjustments but they probably don't know what this looks like to you. I would advise a meeting with your manager where you can explain the things you find difficult along with suggestions on what would make it easier, and be prepared to explain a bit about your ADHD and autism so that they understand. The whole point is that you can do your job more effectively if they support you, so it's a very positive step for all involved.

I say this as a manager to multiple neurodiverse employees, all with ADHD, autism plus others. We've had training as a team so that their colleagues also understand what they might find difficult and we adapt as needed. This might be with more specific deadlines, meetings at more suitable times (or no meeting at all unless it's really needed), flexible hours if this helps, follow-up notes from meetings, etc. Along with the general understanding that our brains all function differently. I believe neurodiversity should be championed in the workplace and you shouldn't feel bad about how you're feeling.