Another post has made me think about my partner

[EggyBread99]

I recognised DARVO.

I recognised how I have been told they can't listen/under me due to my tone.

Have been told I am too emotional.

Never taking the blame for anything, last night, it was something so small. 2 stalks of brocolli each with our dinner. I am into fitness, and health. I commented (This is a regular comment to him to please,.when they are cooking to do more veg).

I got told it was my fault as on one occasion I told him that I couldn't eat all of the veg! It's not so much this argument, as it's been and gone, it's more recognising that they never say, oh, sorry, I am/was 'stressed/tired/couldn't be bothered'. It always gets flipped at us.

Is it acceptable to never take the blame?

Is it acceptable to never take the blame?

Only if you are always right - which abusive people always are. If you are wrong, or mistaken, normal people apologise.

Since you have looked at DARVO, perhaps it's time to start reading up on emotional abuse on official websites eg gov.uk, your local council, CAB, age concern, Relate, Women's Aid... I suspect your eyes will be opened further

EDIT - I see this has been posted on AIBU which can be brutal for emotionally vulnerable posters, I would suggest the Relationships board might be more suitable for exploring whether this is a good, workable relationship or not (You can report your post and ask for it to be moved if you want).

Yes happens here all the time.

My husband is a diagnosed narcissist.

Just letting him know once, while on a work trip, that I couldn't speak while wrangling 3 kids at dinner time (he always required full attention) meant he never called me again while he was away with work (about 7 times a year)

He will always remember the one time I commented on something. He will never override this even if I request it.

Married 25 years, never initiated sex, apparently he once tried and I was unwell so I said no so that was it. Never again.

Every thing is some how my fault. EVERYTHING.

The broccoli thing may seem small to people but if it is amongst hundreds of other undermining small dismissive things then its a mountain of small things designed to be obtuse and oppositional.

Yes MarmaladeOrangey.

He's tired our fault, he's grumpy our fault.

Yes I’ve had this most of my marriage. Until I hit the menopause I didn’t see the red flags. I just became to believe I was too sensitive, too needy, not enough, not important, low down in his priorities, definitely not his equal.

Ive been screamed at for using the wrong tone of voice too.

I have no solution, I’m divorcing. I was told that if you start thinking to yourself ‘if only I could just find the right combination of words to say to him, then he’ll understand what I’m trying to say, and respond in a kinder way.

The sad thing is they know exactly what you are saying, but they don’t want to give up their King of the Castle power over you.

Mine is also a diagnosed Narcissist (by my well qualified therapist). There wasnt anything I could do, mine would never accept he was at fault in anything. I have given up trying to reason with him entirely.

It got to the stage that even when I started up offering just an opinion or alternative view on something, he’d say “I don’t want to start an argument” so for example I might start suggesting he could fill his car up today while he was out and about, instead of trying to find a petrol station when he was leaving at say 5.30 am the next morning. That seemed to be construed by him as me ordering him about and he couldn’t tolerate this.

This is the same person who chose the date of a BBQ we were going to host, and sent out the invitations and then told me what date he had chosen. Or when we were having 12 for dinner, he invited another 4 people, they accepted and only then did he tell me it was now 16 people a few days before.

It makes you feel demeaned and diminished, and the resentment only builds and builds.

Im sorry, but I have no solution. But I understan the frustration and hurt this causes.

The other day I parked close to our back steps to benefit my opposite neighbour. Husband was irritated about this before he got in the car
We got in, he drove off - huge bang - he'd driven over the raised step and also hit the wall with the os bumper. It was my fault. Everything is my fault somehow.

Is it acceptable to never take the blame?

It's mandatory, to them.

Is it acceptable to you @EggyBread99 ?

It truly is death by a thousand cuts

@MarmaladeOrangey why do you stay with this man?

as @Iamnotawinp posted above. I spent most of my marriage thinking it WAS all my fault, if I could just be better, try harder, minimalize myself, financial ties, and bringing up 3 kids (all ND), no time at all to think, working all hours kids were at school and everything home/finance/children my responsibility. His narcissism is covert so no outward grandiose statements, all just lies, gaslighting, manipulations, blame shifting, cognitive dissonance.

It has only been the past 4 years things have been unravelling, everything is tied together. All my children still live at home (but too old to be considered 'dependent')
I'm tired, worn down, no support system, I'd have to change everything from home (couldn't provide a home for me and all my children so lose having them with me), my job, any financial security, come out worse than I came into this marriage. I'd be practically starting again and I'm a lot older with no time left.

I just want to exist with no conflict. I don't even care if I'm happy, I just don't want to be sad any more. I don't want to be attacked as a person any more.
I feel I'm trapped in this prison of being looked at and treated like the person he has projected onto me, which is nothing like who I am.

Oh @MarmaladeOrangey I do feel for you.

Mine was the more extrovert type but it’s the same behaviour at core.

I didn’t think I could leave, I just thought I would have to endure. I grey rocked until I practically was a grey rock. Then I just couldn’t take it anymore and nothing else seemed worse than having to live with him. I couldnt even show displeasure or a stoney face, because it’s just caused too much trouble back on myself.

My only regrets -

1 - That I didn’t leave sooner, but the reasons I didn’t were valid at the time.

2 - I let him take control of all the financial stuff. Big, big mistake. By then time he was making all the money decisions and spending loads on all his hobbies, days out, boozing etc, etc. I didn’t want to know and see all this money being frittered away when I felt we should have been saving something. It wasn’t worth trying to explain anything to him because he was like a tyrant to me by then.

I should have been keeping track of his spending, what was in the joint accounts, what was in his accounts and what money was being spirited away.
when it finally came to divorce, he has run rings around me. I know he has plenty, but I don’t know where he’s put it.

3 - Because I didn’t want to spend time with him outside the house (his bad temper was worse if booze was involved), I pretended I had gone all menopausal mad and I didn’t want to leave the house much.
I ended up isolating myself and losing contact with friends, which meant I had no support group when the shit finally hit the fan.

Im nearly at the end of my divorce (2 years) and we’ve still got a property to sell. It’s been utter hell, but I am nearly there.

please don’t lose hope, I’ll be collecting my state pension this year, but I still feel I’ve got some time left to enjoy my future.

So don’t think this will be your life forever. There may come a time when it can change.

Complaining with broccoli shoved up his nose would have been interesting imo.
Make plans to leave op.. Before you are an utter shell of yourself.
Ime.