Running into ex

[Bigtrip2026]

Ex and I split years ago he cheated cheated and cheated some more, lied, manipulated and basically emotionally abused me with it all. He married one of the ow and had children and would you believe it is a pillar of the community now!

I have moved back to our home town for family, financial and personal reasons and so now I see him fairly regularly in passing. I haven't spoken to him since we split initially to protect myself emotionally and put a stop to his manipulation. I have seen him in passing over the years but it was fairly infrequent and for years I couldn't even look at him.

So I am wondering how others in a similar position deal with this. I had to be in the same room as him recently for an hour others were there we mutually knew and I just carried on as normal with them. The room was busy so although we walked past each other I didn't have to or want to look at him. So i wondered is this infantile behaviour on my part, should i be a grown up, and if so, do what differently ?

YANBU to continue as before and ignore him/pretend I don't see him ?

Or

YABU so look, pass a polite smile (choke 😝) and carry on ?

Honestly I don't have it in me to be friendly friendly or have a chat. He is a smart ass and always had a wittier quip /put down on hand to belittle me.

What's the adult way to deal with this ?

I have an abusive ex who still lives in the small town where I'm from. Whenever I'm back I tend to cross paths with him at some point and I just do exactly what you do and act as if he is a complete stranger. I'm not faking any niceties just to make him or anyone else feel more comfortable.

I would just ignore him also.

Fine to ignore. Not infantile. It's you having boundaries.

Don’t smile at him. He’s an asshole. He’ll think you fancy him. And he doesn’t deserve smiles. If you feel the need to acknowledge his presence to avoid feeling petty then do, but you don’t need to be nice to him.

Absolutely ignore him. If you smile at him it will just validate him.

If he talks to you be very cold.

I have an ex who wasn't abusive but belittled me at times and treated me badly at the end before discarding me like a piece of dirt, so feel similar to you, and there's no way I'd engage in small talk if I met him

I wouldn't go out of my way to exchange pleasantries, but I also wouldn't ignore him to the extent that he would think he was still affecting me all these years later.

This means I'd speak to him on a needs basis, rather than pointedly ignoring him in a group (others would likely have noticed this), though I wouldn't smile or laugh with him as he'd likely think you fancied him.

Thanks for the feedback one and all, it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this and im not just being petty. As I didn't live at home for a long time I didn't need to confront this too often but now I do so thanks for the support.

Starseeking thankfully I really don't have to speak to him at all, if I really really had to I could but it would be exchanging words, very brief and cold, not talking iyswim. I stopped speaking to his sister for a long time too as she got involved in his manipulation. Recently though i met her on the street and she stopped to speak to me. I responded but won't be seeking out her company. It is strange as I got on very well with his family but now I just briefly pass myself and move on.
Thanks again.

I have found that a short "hello" and then walk on is the best way. That way you cant be accused of ignoring them but don't engage either

It's ok to ignore people who have emotionally abused you/treated you badly. If you are asked by the person why you are ignoring them, you tell them to see their GP because they are having major memory issues.
OP eventually you'll get to a neutral position, but stay distant and have only necessary communication with him. If he speaks to you unnecessarily, you are ok to say to him "on your way, matey".