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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating my best mates ex

27 replies

Bigmisstake · 12/03/2024 20:48

Basically the title was clickbait kind off but this is how she will see it. There’s a guy we will call him JIm and the other day I was walking back from sainsburys with my shopping and two kids in the rain and Jim saw us leaving his dads house who lives round the corner and helped me walk the kids home he came in as it was chucking down with rain and we ended up getting on really well. I’m a lone parent with no child care so he came round on Saturday for a take away as friends however we ended up really connecting nothing happened however he was been talking since and he’s mentioned he would like to see me again.

the issue is about 3 years ago he would go to the pub with my best friend nothing happened between them but he said he was single and he wanted to know if there was a connection between them however there wasn’t and it was left at about 3 pub nights once he went back to hers with drink. But they didn’t sleep together or anything however I think they kissed once.

my best mate has bpd and would see this as me getting with her ex she’s in a relationship now lives with him and her kids and is happy however in her head we are both her friends and she would be so hurt. I haven’t told her anything yet as i will admit im really lonely and I am enjoying having the company.

now he’s text for a a date night asking if he cam come over and cook for me I’m more nervous of continuing it and hurting my friend and I know if I ask her it will be Vicky there’s millions of fish in the sea don’t take one I kissed.

to make it more confusing about a month ago she posted a picture of us and he messaged saying he thought I was good looking and could he talk to her about him which she replied saying omg yes let me wing man but she never said anything to me.

km so confused I go to therapy and my therapist said a few weeks ago your craving a connection which I am so I’m being selfish.

Aibu to continue it? Should I tell my friend but I know that would cause issues instantly. I’m confused

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 12/03/2024 20:51

Of all the men on the planet - surely you could pick one that isn’t gonna cause issues with your friendship !

Original poster
Bigmisstake · 12/03/2024 20:55

Fidgety31 · 12/03/2024 20:51

Of all the men on the planet - surely you could pick one that isn’t gonna cause issues with your friendship !

This is my issue I met him randomly outside and he helped carry my shopping so I could carry my 2 year old in. I haven’t had a break from my kids in two years so I haven’t had a chance to meet anyone and I do a degree so I haven’t really wanted to. and I don’t want strangers around my kids I knew him for years prior as a friend and it was just meant to be a friendship it’s his last message has really confused me. If it was someonne I kissed about 4 years ago I wouldn’t care if my mate met him my child’s dad I would go mad but some stranger from the pub I wouldn’t however I know she will and I don’t want to hurt her at all.

OP posts:
GwinGwyn · 12/03/2024 20:57

If you genuinely don’t want to hurt her and you know what her reaction will be then don’t do it. It’s fairly simple. There are literally millions of fish in the sea. I’m not saying she has a right to be cross, but we all have people in our lives that we know their core feelings and what would be a bridge too far.

Zoreos · 12/03/2024 20:58

Your friends BPD is not your responsibility. She is happy and settled and was never in any form of relationship with this man. If I was her boyfriend I’d feel grossly betrayed if she acted like that about a man that nothing serious happened with when she was supposed to be with and care about me. Her issues are hers alone to navigate and it would be immensely selfish of her to put a blockade in between you and this man. I know that BPD can make having relationships with people difficult, volatile and can cause unstable thought processes but ultimately what she may feel won’t be reality and unfair to hold you to emotional ransom because she’s not able to behave in a functional manner, illness or not. Playing into her dysfunctional behaviour won’t help her or you. Your responsibility is to your happiness as hers is to her own happiness. If she blows up like that over this she’s not behaving like a friend I’d want to have and would put some serious distance in between us whilst I evaluated what positive she brings to my life as a friend.

Fidgety31 · 12/03/2024 20:58

It sounds like he is more of a convenient fit for your life than someone you would actively choose to be with …. So not the best start anyway . Also a bit odd of him to pursue both you and your best friend…

Maybe best to keep him as a friend only too!?

Tarmacadamia · 12/03/2024 20:59

Fidgety31 · 12/03/2024 20:51

Of all the men on the planet - surely you could pick one that isn’t gonna cause issues with your friendship !

Nah, bollocks to that. She's with someone now, it was years ago and they were never together anyway. If she's a good friend she'll give you her blessing.

Nicetobenice67 · 12/03/2024 21:02

YOLO

Original poster
Bigmisstake · 12/03/2024 21:04

Fidgety31 · 12/03/2024 20:58

It sounds like he is more of a convenient fit for your life than someone you would actively choose to be with …. So not the best start anyway . Also a bit odd of him to pursue both you and your best friend…

Maybe best to keep him as a friend only too!?

Tbh I thought this but they found eachother better as friend both came out of relationships and went to a pub together with a group of people in the summer I was there with my baby a few years ago and nothing happened between them. He came to mine to help me and we connected but I know it will upset her she didn’t like it when one of her other friends messaged me once for a small boutique that did baby clothes once and she has been a friend for years which is why I’m in a pickle. I don’t think he’s like a serial dater picking friends we was completely randomly bumped into eachother in the rain and I was struggling with kids and a shopping bag. Ugh I’m so confused 😂 I’ll probably just leave it as friends. Just annoying she went out for a drive with a guy I slept with at 17 and I didn’t care because i don’t care about him. But I also can’t hurt someone over a man.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 12/03/2024 21:06

I guess if you didnt actively seek him out and she is with another then go for it.

Nicetobenice67 · 12/03/2024 21:07

Do what you feel in your heart tbh friends don’t always stay friends life moves on

Michellebops · 12/03/2024 21:41

Nicetobenice67 · 12/03/2024 21:02

YOLO

This 💯

Your friend might be happy for you.

Go for it

FairFuming · 12/03/2024 22:05

Am I right in thinking you are quite young?
Is she really that good of a friend if she won't let you have a chance of happiness with someone she kissed years ago? It's bizarre that she would even care if I'm honest. I'd say you should go for it, at least spend more time with him and see if it's worth causing a fuss over, you've said yourself that she probably wouldn't give it a second thought if it was her in your shoes.

TheCadoganArms · 12/03/2024 22:20

This should be a 'Dear Deidre Photo Casebook'

winterplumage · 12/03/2024 22:28

Bpd can make people feel rejected or hurt and it really isn't to do with you or your fault if she does react in that way (if she had such a small connection with him a while back and is now happy with someone else).

It's very early days anyway. You're a single parent, so will probably want to take things very slowly and carefully anyway, so I'd just see how you feel after a few months, just meeting up with him, before making any decisions or worrying about "what ifs".

Squiggles23 · 12/03/2024 22:47

I think you just need to go about it the right way.

Speak to her from the heart, say it was very unexpected and you have been feeling lonely for a while so would like to give it a go. You are worried she will be upset and don’t want to hurt her at all.

Try and make it seem as if you are asking her in the first place. She might surprise you.

iamwhatiam23 · 12/03/2024 22:53

They were never even in a relationship, she will just have to grow up and get over it if she has an issue!

Original poster
Bigmisstake · 12/03/2024 22:58

FairFuming · 12/03/2024 22:05

Am I right in thinking you are quite young?
Is she really that good of a friend if she won't let you have a chance of happiness with someone she kissed years ago? It's bizarre that she would even care if I'm honest. I'd say you should go for it, at least spend more time with him and see if it's worth causing a fuss over, you've said yourself that she probably wouldn't give it a second thought if it was her in your shoes.

I’m 24 I don’t want anything right now anyway I want to get my degree which I should finish soon and I wouldn’t want a relationship with my young children but I did enjoy spending time with him. I just didn’t want to be that girl that goes against my friends in my head they wasn’t together it might go no where and so on but at the same time it could be I posted and everyone said your I was wrong and lied stop replying anyway. My mums currently in hospital so I think I’m just distracting myself by focusing on this to distract myself tbh. Thank you so much for everyone’s time lots to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmisstake · 12/03/2024 23:01

winterplumage · 12/03/2024 22:28

Bpd can make people feel rejected or hurt and it really isn't to do with you or your fault if she does react in that way (if she had such a small connection with him a while back and is now happy with someone else).

It's very early days anyway. You're a single parent, so will probably want to take things very slowly and carefully anyway, so I'd just see how you feel after a few months, just meeting up with him, before making any decisions or worrying about "what ifs".

This is my issue well not issue but I love my friend we met 8 years ago at a nightclub and have since been very close friends I stayed at hers for a week leaving my absuive ex I would never want to hurt her however I can feel slightly controlled by her as she explodes if anything in her life is out for the order she likes it. I have found everyone has a place in her life and she doesn’t like it when these cross over for example one of our friends went to a funeral her ex was at and she was very upset they were in the same place.

OP posts:
Vitriolinsanity · 12/03/2024 23:48

Did this. Did not end well. Would strongly advise against.

Princesssuperstar · 13/03/2024 15:27

I'd just say to her 'oh guess who I bumped into......Jim! We got on very well and I really like him but I won't do anything as I value your friendship more'
She may shock you and say go for it

KrisAkabusi · 13/03/2024 16:01

She may have kissed him once? That's not an Ex. She can't control your life and you shouldn't let her. It's up to you how much you value her friendship but I wouldn't call that any sort of connection and I certainly wouldn't let her dictate what I can do with such a minor relationship several years later.

Katemax82 · 13/03/2024 18:13

I married my sisters ex, and they broke up on bad terms, so I'm biased but do what's right for you

tittybumbum · 13/03/2024 18:20

Fidgety31 · 12/03/2024 20:58

It sounds like he is more of a convenient fit for your life than someone you would actively choose to be with …. So not the best start anyway . Also a bit odd of him to pursue both you and your best friend…

Maybe best to keep him as a friend only too!?

It's been years and there was no relationship with the friend. Just a couple of dates

FairFuming · 13/03/2024 19:34

It does sound like you have a lot going on. If spending time with him works for you, go for it, a real friend wouldn't try and control you but I also understand that dealing with more shit might not be something you want right now. I'm a single parent too and I dated someone who was friends with an ex of mine from a very long time ago and while they were a bit odd about it to begin with, they got over it and that was an actual relationship. It seemed easier as I knew he was a decent human being so relatively safe to be in my house while my kids were asleep. I hope you mother gets home soonw

Original poster
Bigmisstake · 13/03/2024 23:22

FairFuming · 13/03/2024 19:34

It does sound like you have a lot going on. If spending time with him works for you, go for it, a real friend wouldn't try and control you but I also understand that dealing with more shit might not be something you want right now. I'm a single parent too and I dated someone who was friends with an ex of mine from a very long time ago and while they were a bit odd about it to begin with, they got over it and that was an actual relationship. It seemed easier as I knew he was a decent human being so relatively safe to be in my house while my kids were asleep. I hope you mother gets home soonw

I think this is a drive to me I knew him so he came round after helping and I invited him back for a takeaway well he asked if I wanted one and I said to come here but i would never have a stranger around my children however we know eachother he met my children before in the summer they were on the swings in our local pub whilst we had food obviously nothing might come from it but I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time or get a connection if I was being completely out of order. Thank you all

OP posts:
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