Relationship with mother

[Flyhigher]

My dad's just died. And I miss him terribly. Feels like I've lost an amazing presence. Part of me.

I don't think I'll feel the same about my mum.

I think I'll just be pleased she's gone. And at rest.
Does anyone feel the same ?

Did they feel the same before her death and when your mum actually died you were still really upset?

I'm sorry you have lost your dad.

My mum died last year and I thought I'd be relived as we had a very difficult relationship. I am, in fact, devastated by her death and the grief overwhelms me. Not just grief for her death but for the relationship we never had.

If it is possible, I would try to fix your relationship with your mum, for your sake. I desperately wish I could have. In reality, I couldn't have as she'd have to have been a part of that and clearly didn't want to be.

My dad has just died too 🥺

I had a much better relationship with my dad 😢

@SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName
I think I'm grieving the relationship we never had now. I think I have since I was as 15.

I have really tried. She's just not right. I couldn't try harder. She completely dominates.

I can't breathe or be any kind of a person in her presence.

She crushes me. Especially alone. In a group it's a bit better. Alone. She's a narcissist.

I'm trying to get distance.

@SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName
It takes two to make a relationship.
I'm sure you tried.
I know I have.

Thank you. Yes I did.

She was controlling and a narcissist too. I understand how you feel.

Thinking of you

You have to stop trying. My mother was and still is a domineering woman at ninety and will never change. I don’t have it in me any longer to keep in with her. Since losing my own husband I no longer feel the need to dance to her tune. Live your life for you - not for her. If she’s anything like my mother nothing will please her anyway.

i think I’ll feel a sense of freedom when she dies. If that makes me a terrible daughter I did try for years to be what she wanted but now I want peace.

After what can only be described as an interesting Mother's Day, I've had a couple of days to think about my relationship with my mum. I agree with a previous poster that when she dies I will grieve for the relationship we never had and the sadness of wondering whether she ever felt the loss of not having a relationship with me.

That first sentence. I had counselling for years over the relationship (or lack thereof) with my parents, and ended up with the resolution that I just could never have that. No amount of counselling or work with my mum would get me to that loving trusting relationship I saw many of my friends have. And after being upset by it and beating myself up oVer it for years I realised it wasn’t on me. Their job was to show me they loved me and make me feel safe. They didn’t. So if I don’t feel that bond in the way other people do with their parents then it’s not my fault.

so yes I can understand what you say. I feel I’ve already grieved somewhat for my mother, even though she’s still alive. She had a stroke a few years ago and friends said I must be so worried, anxious etc. but it barely affected me.

The thing which does devastate me is the idea that my children might feel like this about me one day.

@CeruleanSal
I'm worried my daughter feels like this about me too.

I loved my dad. Felt that relationship so strongly.

My daughter is only 2 but it’s the worry I will make mistakes as she grows and she will end up with the same feelings I do.
But then part of me thinks that can’t be; I adore my daughter and son. I’d do anything for them. I’d never hurt them physically or emotionally.

If she's 2 and you are worrying about it, it means you won't.
I'm sure you won't.
It will be amazing.

I'm so sorry about your Dad. Mine was precious too but my Mum was selfish, aggressive, unreasonable, spiteful, self absorbed. When my father died my sibling I wished it had been her. He deserved some peace without her after 40 loyal years of hell. She basically danced on his grave and had another 10 years, remarried and happy. When she died, the weight of the world lifted from me. I felt only relief and freedom from her persecution.

I was about to post the same. My dad died a couple of years ago and I often wonder why I am still putting myself through trying to have a relationship with my mother, who was abusive, a manipulator, always put me down and neglected me for years to the point I was starved to the point that even my periods stopped.

I have had years of counselling to deal with all the abuse, and much of my life decisions are still shaped by the abuse. Yet, I cannot bring myself to go no contact even when I am 200% convinced that by keeping in touch I’m only keeping the door open to more disappointment, judgement and nasty comments.

I think what is stoping me from cutting her off is that if I do, I would need to cut the rest of the family off as, for better or worse, they all come in a pack, a nasty pack most of the time, but a pack anyway, and…

that in turn would make me feel as if I was a proper orphan alone in the world even when I have never had a supportive family. 🤷‍♀️

As others, I have always tried very hard to have a relationship with her but all the cruelty, nastiness, judgement and above all, the gas lighting has made it impossible.

And yes, I also worry I may be the same for my child.

I come from a large family. Although I am an only child dad had 9 siblings and mum 10! Loads and loads of aunts, uncles, cousins. Years ago, after both mum and dad died I realised that very few of them were ever there for me. If I didn't visit them, I would never see them. So I stopped. They didn't contact me. They still haven't.
It feels fine, now, initially I was upset, but thought no I have done nothing wrong.
If your mum makes your life a misery and the family support that, why bother. You don't actually need family. They are nice to have and a proper family like I have with my wife's side is brilliant. But if your family gives you nothing but heartache, walk away.

Same here, lots of cousins but the aunts and uncles are slowly disappearing due to advanced age. I was VERY close to my cousins but I moved away decades ago so although they are really welcoming when I visit, I am no longer so up to date with their lives so it all feels a bit disconnected. I have had a few bad times over the years (divorce, two cancer scares, my father passing away), did they contact me? Nope. So I don't know why I care so much about them either, I have very good memories of them but not an "active present".

I am sorry for the loss of your dad.

I have always been close to my dad. He is gracious and kind and has always loved me unconditionally. This is the greatest gift anyone could bestow on someone - in my opinion at least. He is almost 91 and at the end stages of Parkinson’s.

With my mother, things have always been different. There are some contextual and cultural reasons for this (my mother is not British and while she’s lived here longer than I have been alive, she’s still very much American). Until the last few years I had never realised that my compulsion to try to please her, appease her, to gain her love, is not typical. While always having been a strong character, she is now, after a fall almost 3 years ago, utterly ego centric, lacking in empathy (and manners!!!). She is raging. She is raging that she got old, that my father is more ill than her and that I am not able to leave my husband, daughter and job to serve her. She wants total control but she also wants to do NOTHING. This woman says that I am rotten and have done nothing for her.

And yet - it’s more nuanced. She had, in the past, many friends. She was proud of me and my daughter. She was fun, quick witted and funny. But her love was always conditional. I have spent my life trying to make her happy. I stil try.

my daughter is 15 and I also worry about whether I have wreaked the same damage on her. I know that at some point, I will have to accept that I have done some things wrong. I know I will have to apologise unreservedly (my mother can’t say sorry. Or . “I love you”). I do hope that I have been better.

So OP - yes I feel just like you. I do feel though that I’m more like my dad and I know my husband loves me unconditionally too.

I'm so, so sorry about your dad.

I've been feeling very lost lately about the future regarding my parents, them being elderly, etc, and it's all very overwhelming. I wish I had answers for you.