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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to choose my kids clothes on special occasions

19 replies

solemnlyswearimuptonogood · 12/03/2024 15:40

Just a rant really!

My ILs are mostly lovely, they live close, we get on well and they dote on my two young DC (a toddler and a baby). BUT one thing that annoys me is that several of them have tried buying or have actually bought clothes for my DC to wear on particular special days/occasions without my agreement and its made things a little awkward at times. So for example DHs niece commented that she would purchase DSs first Halloween outfit, this was something I wanted to choose myself so I lied and said we'd already bought it. Another time DSIL purchased a (hideous) dress for DD and, although she did not say so directly it was clear that she wanted DD to wear it for her first Christmas. The dress was not to my taste at all (I actually told her this before she purchased it as it was quite expensive) so I simply ignored her hints and dressed DD in my chosen outfit. Recently DMIL has also purchased an outfit and specifically asked for DS to wear it for his birthday party (again I lied and said we'd already picked his outfit) and has also purchased DD a dress for an upcoming wedding. This will be her first time attending a wedding and I've been quite excited to choose something myself, which I will be doing regardless, but as this seems to happen quite often I just wondered AIBU? I don't want to be ungrateful but I really enjoy choosing my DCs lovely little outfits for special occasions as they don't come round too often!

OP posts:
Queenofcarrotflour · 12/03/2024 15:54

Yanbu. Carry on!

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/03/2024 15:57

I'd be annoyed too. As a grandparent I send money for things like this so my son and DIL can buy what they like. I only buy day to day things when I buy clothes.

Precipice · 12/03/2024 16:00

YANBU, but why lie? If you told them you want to choose clothes for special occasions yourself, they'd get the message more than this 'this time we've already chosen it' evading. You only have a very short time before your child will be expressing their own decisions about how they're not wearing that.

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 12/03/2024 16:03

YANBU. Although is it so hard to find an occasion that these outfits CAN be worn?

solemnlyswearimuptonogood · 12/03/2024 16:07

Precipice · 12/03/2024 16:00

YANBU, but why lie? If you told them you want to choose clothes for special occasions yourself, they'd get the message more than this 'this time we've already chosen it' evading. You only have a very short time before your child will be expressing their own decisions about how they're not wearing that.

You're right I think thats the only way to tackle this, just wanted to make sure I'm not BU wanting to choose these outfits myself before actually saying so! Although DMIL can be quite over-sensitive and I do think it might cause some awkwardness telling her!

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 12/03/2024 16:10

My ILs do this - I made an offhand comment last year that DD had a Halloween baby sensory party thing in October and I’d got a cute little ghost onesie thing just for a laugh - they ended up getting her an outfit too. At Christmas I told them I’d found a little Christmas Day dress on Vinted, they still bought her an elf onesie and Santa outfit. I just dressed her in the outfits I’d chosen for the party and Xmas day, I just took pics of DD in their clothes and sent it to them.

solemnlyswearimuptonogood · 12/03/2024 16:11

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 12/03/2024 16:03

YANBU. Although is it so hard to find an occasion that these outfits CAN be worn?

The birthday outfit is something DS could just wear any day really. But the others could only really be worn on special occasions and we don't really attend many of those so when we do get the chance I'd much rather get to choose something myself!

OP posts:
DPotter · 12/03/2024 16:16

I can understand why you say you've bought already - that way the outfit slot is taken. If you haven't bought, they can whip in there and snag the slot and then you seem and feel unreasonable about wanting the exercise your own choice.

It's not ideal, but I understand the reasoning

solemnlyswearimuptonogood · 12/03/2024 16:17

Sparklesocks · 12/03/2024 16:10

My ILs do this - I made an offhand comment last year that DD had a Halloween baby sensory party thing in October and I’d got a cute little ghost onesie thing just for a laugh - they ended up getting her an outfit too. At Christmas I told them I’d found a little Christmas Day dress on Vinted, they still bought her an elf onesie and Santa outfit. I just dressed her in the outfits I’d chosen for the party and Xmas day, I just took pics of DD in their clothes and sent it to them.

My ILs also bought my DCs Christmas themed clothes which I didn't mind as I would just use these any time in the run up to Christmas for nursery or any other Christmassy activities we did. Its just when they're wanting DC to actually wear them on the day that I find annoying. And the fact that they've actually stated that the outfit is for that particular day. I'd never dream of buying someone elses child clothes and requesting they wear them on their birthday/christmas/etc!

OP posts:
zingally · 12/03/2024 16:19

YANBU.

Crack on as you are. It's completely reasonable for a parent to want to chose outfits for special occasions. It's one of the (frankly, few) perks of taking very small children to special events! To dress them in something YOU think is utterly adorable.

"Ah, thanks but no thanks MIL. As this is Childs first wedding, we'd really like to chose something ourselves. I'm sure you understand! If we let you know what we've picked, maybe you'd like to choose some matching shoes/socks, or a cardigan?"

PeopleGetSoAngry · 12/03/2024 16:49

My MIL did this when my daughter was small (not my son though) and I hated it! We had completely different taste, I cant imagine why she thought it was ok, caused loads of problems because I really didn't like the special outfits she chose (eg flouncey dresses on a crawling baby) she also baked my daughters 1st birthday cake, without asking, I had also baked my daughters 1st birthday cake so we had two. But why? Why didnt she just ask? If the special occasion outfits were so important she couldnt resist buying them herself for her own taste how could she not realise they were important to me too. Sorry, no help, but lots of empathy.

MississippiAF · 12/03/2024 16:51

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 12/03/2024 16:03

YANBU. Although is it so hard to find an occasion that these outfits CAN be worn?

Depends, if they’re frilly, chavvy awful outfits, like those faux Spanish outfits people sell on stalls, I’d never put them on.

snazzychair · 12/03/2024 16:56

I would hate that - when my in-laws have asked to buy the 'firsts' we have said no, I have said no. I want to buy them and it's my right to. We nipped it in the bud early on. Be honest with them and say thanks but as LOa mum, you want to buy these special outfits.

KreedKafer · 12/03/2024 17:06

I completely get that family want to buy clothes etc for young children, and that's fine. But it's completely up to the parents if and when they actually wear them!

It's definitely overstepping the mark for anyone to expect to choose their grandchild's/niece/nephew's outfit for their birthday party or for a wedding. It's totally up to the parents to decide how they want their child to be dressed for a special occasion. I'd never dream of giving clothes as a gift for a child and then telling the parents when I thought they should wear them!

Gymnopedie · 12/03/2024 20:45

OP where's your DH in this? Backing you or expecting you to fall in with what his family want?

solemnlyswearimuptonogood · 14/03/2024 12:32

Gymnopedie · 12/03/2024 20:45

OP where's your DH in this? Backing you or expecting you to fall in with what his family want?

Oh no he agrees with me completely, but unfortunately he's terrible at saying no so it falls down to me!

OP posts:
dimllaishebiaith · 14/03/2024 12:35

solemnlyswearimuptonogood · 14/03/2024 12:32

Oh no he agrees with me completely, but unfortunately he's terrible at saying no so it falls down to me!

How convenient for him...

It sounds like you are not entirely comfortable saying no either so you might want to not want to always be the one pushing yourself out of your comfort zone because he's not "good" at something

TheSnowyOwl · 14/03/2024 12:37

Yanbu and my mother used to do this as well and I hated it. Now the children are older and they won’t wear what either of us would choose!

I would just find an opportunity to say to them that one of the things you really enjoy doing is getting their outfits for special occasions. Then just keep dressing them as you like.

ViveLaOeuf · 14/03/2024 12:47

MIL sent us an absolutely hideous little suit and bow tie set thing for DC2s second birthday. I was a coward and said it didn't fit when she asked why he wasn't wearing it. I do wish I'd grown a pair and told the truth, but I think she got the message as we haven't had anything similar happen since.

Thankfully my DC are both boys, so fundamentally less interesting for MIL to buy clothes for (she loved buying little dresses for her GDs when they were small)

OP whatever you do don't cave, choose your own occasion outfits. Just say "thank you, that's very generous but we've already got something picked out for X day". Rinse and repeat.

If you are less mean than me, try and stick ILs choices on your DC for some other day/event/half hour and grab a quick photo.

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