To have just not said anything

[GeeWhizzz]

So last year during our summer holiday, DH and my 2 children were on our way back up to the room for the evening. There was a young Spanish guy who got into the lift with us and I felt him pinch my bum,I thought it was a mistake at first but as we were walking to the room he did it again, this time it was very obvious but I just didnt say anything. I was at the back of DH and the kids and just did not want to cause a scene. I did tell DH when we got into the room and he went out looking for him but obviously couldnt find him. I just dont know if I dealt with it right and it still plays on my mind.

This isn't the first time I have been assaulted abroad, before we had kids DH and I were in Turkey and a guy was pretending to clean the toilets and he pushed me into the cubicle and locked the door. I did cause a scene after that one which didnt end very well. Is it something I am doing? I must look like a target because another waiter did this to me in Alcudia when I was on my way to the toilet :(

What do you mean “it didn’t end well “??

Well there was a huge row outside the bar as obviously I accused a member of their staff and they got defensive. It wasnt until after that I thought, maybe they were just pretending to be cleaning the toilets.

Honestly? I don’t know what you should have done.

What I do know is what you’re feeling is experienced by hundreds of women and girls everyday. Men behave inappropriately and it’s women who end up questioning themselves.

I am just so angry with the amount of times this has happened. The scariest one was in Turkey when I was locked into a cubicle. I managed to hit the guy and get myself free but it could have been so so so much worse. Each time I have been with my DH and I bet he felt so helpless.

I'd have backed right up and elbowed him in the ribs as hard as I could - and then behaved as if nothing had happened.

You say that, but what if he would have retaliated, infront of my kids, who knows what he could've done

It's appalling that we have to deal with shit like this. However I would probably have done the same as you. I would worry that a man who will assault a woman who is with their husband wouldn't be likely to have any qualms about getting in an altercation if he was challenged. I would be worried about husband and the children's safety and just want to get away as quickly as possible. There are some spectacularly horrible men around.

They don't see you as a target they just see you as a woman, so fair game for their perversions. I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. It is not your fault. I'm not sure what I'd have done re the most recent incident, I wouldn't have wanted my dh to get into a fight with him or frighten the children. So I might have done nothing too.

I think the first point of calling "Don't touch me!" said in a loud and firm voice. Even if you are in front of your own kids. Teaches them how to respond too

But this is the crux of it. We’re afraid to challenge them in case it makes them aggressive.

Honestly, it's not you, it's them.
Firstly let me say I'm so sorry these things have happened.
Secondly, Remember this.
We were once told that there are two types of reactions to danger- fight or flight. (Fight the danger off or flee and get away)
It's now recognised that there is a third- freeze. So as to allow the danger to pass.
You're upset with yourself that you didn't do anything but you shouldn't be. It was your body's natural response to a dangerous situation in front of your children. Don't be hard on yourself. You were protecting your kids.

Freezing in these situations is a totally normal self preservation tactic. I'd be worried about upsetting the kids. If they were teenagers I'd maybe be more assertive and wanting to model how to deal with it and tell the man to not touch me (although in reality I think I'd be too shocked to react quick enough) but if the kids were younger I think I'd probably do nothing

Are you blonde OP?

TBH, I'd have turned around with a swift right hook to the gut! But then I'm fairly confrontational by nature. Especially when I'm certain I'm right.

Sadly this happens to most women in some form or other.

Many years ago my bum got touched on a staircase by the guy behind me, I turned straight round and told him off, he laughed did it again, and again i told him to keep his hands to himself and if he did it again I would deck him. He did it again for a laugh in front of his mates, so I punched him in the face and his legs wobbled. The doorman had caught it all on camera and told him and his mates to leave and asked me If i wanted the police called. I said no him being decked by a woman old enough to be his mum was punishment enough.

You don't know what you would do till you are in the situation and most people have a fight or flight reaction.

I have no idea if I would react the same if it happened again, but was glad that I followed through with what I did.

@GeeWhizzz, in these circumstances I would have had every confidence that he would have expected no retaliation - and therefore my response. I'm probably someone much older than you and I'm guessing that would have made you less confident than me.
Either way, he's an arse and he needs calling out.

Regarding the Spanish guy, I'd have spoken up there and then.

My friend was followed into the toilet in Tutkey and he wouldn't let her go. Very scary stuff.