Feel like I’m drowning sometimes in my best friends issuee

[pleasehelpagirlout]

I’ve got a dilemma and I’m struggling on what to do, I know I may be unreasonable but part of me thinks I’m not. I need people to say it like it is, so don’t hold back from being honest!

I have a best friend let’s call her Lily. Lily has had a really hard life, we’re all in our early 30’s. She divorced her husband after just a few weeks of marriage. She has a bad relationship with a lot of her family and has unfortunately had 4 devastating baby losses. 1 early 2nd tri and 3 first trimester losses.

In our friendship group we are all married, engaged with children so understandably she is finding that hard.

This is where my AIBU comes in.

Me and Lily are very close, best friends and bonded over our pregnancy losses (I lost 2 pregnancies both in 1st tri before having my son who is now a toddler)

She leans on me a lot for emotional support, constantly for the last 3/4 years. Daily messages or phone calls or face times. Now I have a heart made of diamond and will always be there for her, she is going through a lot. But I’m struggling lately with looking after a toddler and being there for her all day every day as well. I have left my toddler with my DH at times last minuite to go and see Lily. I feel like every conversation we have is deep and emotional and it is hard when I am working and then going home to look after my toddler.

Because she is going through a lot she is always making bad decisions, taking pills sometimes and drinking a lot and meeting bad men. I feel like we go around in circles with my advice and I spend a lot of time worrying about her.

Sorry this is long, but I don’t know how to break away from being her rock to lean on without being selfish. I don’t want her to feel alone, and worry about her if I wasn’t there all day.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I heartless? I am so stuck

Also didn’t realise there was a poll you can ignore that !

I’m in a similar situation. I can’t do it anymore but I also feel like I can’t abandon her.

No advice but solidarity, you’re not alone.

I am in exactly the same situation too. My best friend is a nightmare, drink, drugs, awful men etc etc. I have just started getting tough with her now as I am so done pussyfooting around but its hard, so hard. But like the pp I can't abandon her either, but I do need to be more assertive so I'm not a mug.

More solidarity from me too!

@Dozycuntlaters @Fulshaw sorry you both understand how I’m feeling! It’s awful as you love and care for your friend but also want to hide from them at times

My best friend was leaning on me a lot and it got to a point where it felt too much for me. I told her it was a lot because I've also been abused so reading stuff from her abuser was triggering me too. I felt really selfish but this was years in.
She carried on sharing things with me anyway, so in the end I decided I would give one word replies when she looked for advice. I kept consistent with it and she got the message and gave me a break. We communicated as normal but it was just when certain topics came up I would go quiet.
I am now able to deal with it again after the break, and she's slowly started asking for advice again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you need to communicate and set a boundary. If she oversteps then hold your boundary.

It's not being a bad friend- you have been through a lot too & deserve time to process it. Like you say- you have a toddler and your own life to deal with too.

I've just blocked a friend after 7 years of this.

The relief is as strong as the guilt.

But she's not my responsibility. My responsibility is to myself and my family and her constant neediness was detracting from them.

You to put yourself, your baby and your DH first. Not her.

I have had two of these in my life and had to step away both times. They both quickly found someone else to emotionally dump on.

There’s a difference between supporting someone through a harrowing life event, and supporting someone through their self made never ending shit show. I once made the same mistake as you in supporting a friend through some very tough times, before realising that she was creating these tough times for herself, and her care needs would never diminish. I cut back drastically on the time I spent with her and instead used a lot of sad face emojis in our text conversations.

i really do get this. Obviously the pregnancy losses and her family are not her fault but she did cheat on her husband literally after getting married, and she does cause a lot of issues for herself
its really hard as I know when she’s upset she’s lonley is self caused because she cheated and sometimes I have to bite my tounge

Put your own family first OP. It sounds like this desperately needy friend of yours is taking a lot of your time, energy and attention and that's not fair. You need to decide how much of your time you're willing to dedicate to her and her (at least partly) self-made woes and how much of your time your DH and DC deserve and then allocate your time and resources accordingly. Some people will just take, take, take as much as you allow - they are vampires - and it sounds like your friend is one. Time to take back control of your life, your time and your energy.

Similar situation... I sat my friend down, told her I loved her, and valued our friendship but I couldn't continue to act as her informal therapist because a) I was definitely not qualified and b) it was taking too much of an emotional toll given I was constantly worried about her. I explained from that point on, certain topics were off limits as, in the nicest way possible, she was an adult and had to take responsibility for her own stuff. She respected that and we only talk about the fun stuff now, which was what made us such good mates in the first place. I feel 100 times better. It was definitely a bit awkward to begin with, but we've powered through and are still good friends.

Suggest outside more professional help.

I was in the same boat, I couldn't cope with her chaotic behaviour and risk taking, and tried to direct her to professional support. She wouldn't accept any of it and tried to carry on as before. When I became more assertive about that she turned on me.
I don't have any advice other than protect yourself, and buckle in for a rough ride.

She's not your responsibility. If this is a true friendship then you should be able to equally share all of your problems and worries with her and she give the same effort back.

I've had a friend like this and nearly burned myself out dealing with my own stress as well as hers. As a test, I started to take up half of our conversations talking about my life and I noticed that she wasn't that interested or concerned about me.

You can step back and massively cut back how much you talk to eachother.

Sounds like you've been a really good friend but you can allow yourself to focus on your own family now

Sounds like she creates the drama (the majority of it at least) and thrives off the attention it gets her. You really need to get those boundaries up to protect yourself from this.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother, I find people like this too much-which sounds harsh, but it's all take from her isn't it? That's not a friendship, she's using you.