AIBU to be so upset with my mum (and sister)? (Talk me off a ledge!)

[PlentyOfBiscuitsWithTea]

Some backstory: Growing up my mum and I didn't have a fantastic relationship. I think diagnosing with today's terms she is a bit of a narcissist. We argued a lot - I was a fairly standard emotional teen, and I didn't feel she ever prioritised me. I have a sister 18 months younger than me and I always felt she favoured her, although my sister today does complain mum was a crap parent. As kids my sister complains she was in my shadow as I was outgoing, she was shy.

In our university years (our parents really wanted us to go - we are first generation university) my sister and I started at the same time (I took a gap year) and the adage "it's always the quiet ones" is true as my sister ended up dropping out of uni secretly, stashing our parents' cash, went to Ibiza with a MUCH older man (older than our parents), then having a baby with him. She's 18 today! My sister eventually ended up moving back in with my parents when that went south, then went on to a local university. She met another guy, ran away and got married and fell pregnant again before the end of this degree, although she did stumble through and complete this time. He was the same age as her but followed a very strict orthodox religion, which she converted to for a while, today neither of them practise.

My sister didn't get a job after university - the religion her and her husband followed is very traditional. She had more children - she went through some horrible miscarriages too, she did not have it easy. However, her husband is a bit of a child and has never worked for anyone else and is always jumping from one business of his own to the next and they are routinely in serious financial difficulty. Always being bailed out by his parents or mine. My sister has had to return to work recently (in a trade) and is doing really well for herself - it doesn't support a whole family though.

My mum and my sister have a very close relationship as adults. My sister and her three kids go there every week as her current job allows. I did when I was on maternity leave and a career break for a couple of years but I now work in a very intense job and I can't. When were the three of us I can't stand the dynamic - we've regularly gone on holidays all together and I just hate myself when I'm with them, and how it makes me feel. My sister reverts back to a child and baits me into competitions. Both my mum and sister have disordered eating and they competitively undereat. I am overweight but more mentally happy with my appearance but I feel horrendous when I am with them. As an example a couple of weeks ago I went to my daughters dancing show and invited my mum and sister and afterwards my mum laughed cruelly at an overweight teenager in one of the dances "no one told her dancing really isn't for her", it was truly awful, but my sister and her enable each other she would never have said her thoughts out loud if it was just her and I. My mum feels awful for my sisters situation (financial) and is worried for her all the time. On the other hand, she makes comments about my job (I am in a very senior role and earn well) "why do you work so hard" ... "why do you have a nanny"... etc, she worries so much about my sister's lack of security but can't be happy for mine. I try and talk to her about things and she is so disinterested she just cannot engage, so if I confide any work stress with her she tells me I am "ridiculous" for staying in the job, she'd just walk out. My mum has been quite stressed recently due to complications with the sale of my deceased nan's flat and I have listened to every concern she has over it.

Fast forward to today and my AIBU...

I booked for my mum and I to go for a fancy afternoon tea to celebrate Mother's Day (a week later). I didn't invite my sister for two reasons - a) it's not something she could afford right now and it would make her feel crap she couldn't come and b) it would be nice to have some 1:1 time with my mum. My mum recently when I followed up asking if all still good for this Sunday said "is <sister> coming? I tried to persuade her" I said I hadn't asked her as didn't think she could afford and she said "dad and I gave her some money for <some family task> and told her she had to spend it on treating herself." Then this morning my sister text saying "Mum keeps asking me to come on Sunday, is there room to add me on".

I'm so upset my mum can't imagine just her and I doing something and now it has to be the pity party for my sister's bad life choices all day! And I will probably be picking up the bill, too. Her and my sister do things the two of them frequently / I've always felt a bit smarted every time I hear they've gone Xmas shopping for a day, or a garden Center or something. They've never once invited me. So why is my mum begging my sister to come on a day out that I had arranged with her?

Not unreasonable.

I’d message your mum and sister separately, saying you’d thought it would be a great opportunity to spend some quality time together.
If they still push to go, gracefully leave them to it. Don’t go.

Agree. Considering they do so much together I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have 2 sisters. Sometimes we treat mum together, sometimes it one to one.

I hear you that your mum is so uninterested in you..narc tendencies can mean she just can't see your life from your perspective and might even be jealous of what you have achieved - actually this would indicate to her that you don't need her in the same way as your sister.

However I do think you could have foreseen that it is not realistic she would have missed out your sister for mother's day. I would maybe have picked another day to try to build a 1 to 1 relationship with her (if you think you can find some common ground).

I think if it was just for a nothing reason, I'd say YANBU. But for mothers day I don't see an issue in it being your Mum with both of her daughters. But I havent read the full thread, only your AIBU so I might be way off.

I would cancel or postpone the afternoon tea - it’s only going to hurt you and that is not a good outcome for you especially if you are picking up the tab.

Have you thought of therapy? This dynamic is damaging for you.

Honestly? I think it sounds like your mum and sister have more in common with each other and your mum would rather spend time with her unfortunately. Which is horrible for you, but I can't see why else she wouldn't want to spend time with you one on one when she's happy to frequently do that with your sister.

What is your kids' relationship like with her compared to your sister's kids? Does she favour her kids over yours too?

In this instance, as it's not actually on mother's day, I would tell her you were hoping to catch up with her on your own for once and if she agrees, maybe have this conversation with her. And if she insists, well I wouldn't be making any special efforts in the future.

To be honest, I think it was a bit mean to cut your sister out of a Mother’s Day treat, this is a day siblings often share with their mother and she wanted both her children there.

I am not sure why the need for the full back story, the only reason seems to be that you wanted to paint your sister in a bad light, because it had nothing t do with the Mother’s Day lunch.

Also, just checking that you know their behaviour isn’t about you- it’s not an expression of your value.

Your mum favours your sister because she allows her to feel good about herself. It gives her the appearance of being a fantastic mum, supporting her daughter who needs her so much. That’s a lack in your mother, not a lack in you.

The way to handle this is to work on your own independence, engineering out those perfectly natural and normal feelings of wanting her to show she loves you, to be fair to you, show you matter etc.
When you no longer need her approval, and recognise her behaviour as damaged and damaging, you’ll be able to go through the motions without distress and it will be much easier.

You just have to think then about your sister, and how that relationship works/feels.

You can’t change them, just how you feel about them.

It wasn’t on Mother’s Day. She wasn’t trying to hog her mum, just have an outing.

But it is the week after Morher's Day. Did sis not do something with her mother on actual Mother's Day?

I also grew up with a narcissistic mother. They need training.

My advice to the OP would be to start the training now by saying "you know what, mum? I was looking forward to some one-on-one time with you, so you go with sis and I'll catch up with you another time." Once you start showing her the value you place on yourself, and stop givng her all the power you might get a bit more respect.

But accept that your sis is the Golden Child, you are never going to have the relationship you want with your mum.

You need to get the training in before your mum gets much older, because the pattern is that you will be the one who gets manipulated and guilted into playing the caring role once the garden centre and Christmas shopping visits become hospital appointments and essential supermarket shops.

I'd say not unreasonable considering the situation - I don't want to project my situation onto yours, but it sounds really similar and I've read up about 'triangulating' with narcissistic parents where they make their children compete for their love. Normally one is always the scapegoat and the other is the golden child (and can end up with narcissistic tendencies themselves). Your sister is the favoured one as she still 'needs' your mum, as Ash099 explains - you don't need her so all your decisions and achievements aren't considered because it doesn't feed your mum's need to be the centre of everything. This makes you the scapegoat, everything that is wrong in the family will end up being blamed on you and the golden child, your sister, will do nothing wrong even if she continues to make bad decisions - your mum will pity her and look after her and treat her better than you because she feeds her narcissistic needs.

I've just invited my mum to things before and my sister has just turned up out of the blue resulting in awkward moments in restaurants where I've had to rebook a table for three or had to rearrange as my sister always brings her dog and certain places don't allow dogs, or going out and buying more food/drink. I learnt to put in boundaries, so I made it very clear I am just inviting mum and if my sister turns up or I get a text saying she is coming, I say that's not what I planned and say we'll do something another time. It's hard to say in your situation though because it's mother's day - but I'm guessing it is a present for mother's day rather than on actual mother's day since the day has passed? If it's a present for mother's day, I'd make that clear and say it's just the two of you and the three of you can do something another time (and that another time does not have to arrive if you find it so unpleasant).

I'm not saying this is the solution for everyone, but in the end things got so toxic with my mum and sister I had to cut contact with them for the sake of my mental and physical health and of my husband and family. My mum says very similar things about my job, I have a well-earning role, my husband and I take regular holidays, we have a roof over our heads and we're about to have a baby yet my mum asks me questions like 'What do you and <husband> do with your money? You always look so scruffy. <Your sister> is always going to nice places and wears new clothes." and when we told her about the baby her first reaction was "Is this a joke? How are you going to pay for it?".

We've never asked her for money and we are in our 30s with well-earning jobs and have been married nearly 4 years. Yet my sister lives at home with my parents, it's never been discussed but she uses one of my parents' cars and they don't anymore so I think they just gave it to her, my mum does all her washing, ironing and all the cooking and she doesn't pay for any rent or bills. She tells me I work too hard and that I should change careers even if it means a pay cut and regularly says things like "<husband> is a nice man, but he's not the man for you"! I couldn't stand the comments anymore and every time I saw them I felt miserable about my life even though I have so many things to be joyful about! It's been really difficult and I'm still not used to it, but I cut them off and now can enjoy all the good things in my life like my husband and my new baby that is about to arrive!

What a cow is what I think.probably enjoys ganging up on you
I don't think you've done anything wrong not asking sis your mum is bang out of order asking her and the way sis has said keeps asking for her to come means you have to pay costs what mum wants.
If I was you I would either go this time and make it your last or cancel. Go low contact and invest in yourself.
I've had a similar relationship with DM constantly trying to chase that relationship which actually doesn't exist.
Time to step back from people who don't value you. Your time is precious and it's yours.❤️

YANBU. Tell your mum it was supposed to be a one to one get together.

If your mum objects, I would back out and say let’s just cancel it.

Nothing will change if you don’t push back.

And if do all go and sis comes, do NOT pick up the bill. Let each pay for themselves.

I wouldn’t dream of not inviting one of my siblings on a mother’s day treat if they were physically able to get there. If my sister couldn’t afford a posh tea then I’d arrange something inexpensive.

It’s not Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day has gone.

This was OP’s belated MD get together with her mother.

@Prydddan ”Once you start showing her the value you place on yourself, and stop giving her all the power you might get a bit more respect.”

This is really good advice although I wouldn’t hold my breath. Your value to a narcissist is basically the extent to which you prioritise them.

Ime try and accept your dm is just a sibling wannabe. Leave them to it..

It sounds like your mum is closer to your sister than you and has more in common with her. I’m NC with my family, so I understand horrible family dynamics.
You aren’t unreasonable to be hurt by it. I think if you don’t want your sister there I would pull out of it yourself. It doesn’t sound like you all particularly like each other and there seems to be a lot of rivalry. I think your mum won’t enjoy it if you don’t relent and invite your sister, and it sounds like you won’t enjoy it if your sister comes. Cancel. Your mum doesn’t appreciate it, most mums would relish what you had planned, not try and change the dynamics of it.

I don't think this is really about Mother's Day, is it? It's about the fact that you don't have the same relationship with your mum that your sister does.

The thing is, though, you actually don't really like your mum very much, do you? I'm sure you love her, because she's your mum, but you clearly don't really enjoy her company very much. You're blaming your sister's influence, but in fact, your mum is who she is, and she and your sister are simply more alike than you and your mum, so you feel left out and uncomfortable when there's three of you.

I also think that (while it wasn't her place to invite your sister) it is not at all surprising that a mum (not just yours) would like to see all her kids on Mother's Day if that's possible. I took my mum out on Mother's Day but I'm sure if it had been feasible for my sister and brother to come along, she'd have loved that because she's their mum as well as mine. (My brother was actually meant to come anyway but he was ill.)

Don't get me wrong - I personally think your mum and your sister sound awful. But I think that there's a much wider issue here than Mother's Day (or you wouldn't have explained the long backstory of your sister's younger years, which aren't really relevant). You simply do not get on with your family, and that's fine, so take a step back and don't force it. It's odd to 'regularly go on holiday' with two people you don't actually like very much and who make you feel like shit. I've never been on holiday with my mum and siblings ever, and I get on well with them! Ease off for your own sake.

@PlentyOfBiscuitsWithTea

What did your mum do on Mother's Day? Did your sis arrange anything? Did she include you?

I've found with age that there really isn't any point doing something you don't want to.

You'll get ganged up whatever happens. If you all go out you'll be miserable, if your sister doesn't go, you'll be miserable, if you cancel you'll be miserable. So pick the one you would rather do and do that.

If it's the second choice, just text your mum and sister and say 'I booked it specifically for me and mum to spend some quality time, you do things together without me fairly often so I'm sure you won't mind it being me and mum'

I’d see Mother’s Day as a family day op, and we try to all get to mums around the same time. Your mum was probably doing the same. You might think she was narcissistic, maybe she was, but when you’re older you’ll possibly realise that you can’t always win with your average teen!!!!

This wasn't an outing on Mother's Day Sunday 10 March. This is an outing next Sunday 17 March so it not a "family" day. It's a belated Mother's Day treat from OP to her Mum. Why does her sister have to go?

Maybe her mother sees it as an occasion to get the family together?

Wonder why those Christmas shopping days weren't also a chance to get the family together.

If the Op's Mum had organised and paid for the trip then she would be in a position to suggest who should be there.

I tend to agree with the advice @WoodBurningStov - "You'll get ganged up whatever happens. If you all go out you'll be miserable, if your sister doesn't go, you'll be miserable, if you cancel you'll be miserable. So pick the one you would rather do and do that."