to be a bit irritated with SIL

[thelittlestbadger]

I probably am, but DH's sister has really started to irritate me.

We got on very well until DD was born last July. Since then, whenever we see her, SIL tells us how upset the PILs are that they don't see more of DD. In particular, she says that PILs are upset because we see my mum and dad more often. We do see my mum and dad more, mainly because my mum will babysit whenever we ask and will generally come round if she is free, cook dinner, do laundry, babysit while I have a bath and leave again whereas PILs need to be entertained and like to keep to their routine.

DH is not very close to PILs and they have never spoken regularly. He would quite like to see them more often but works very hard and doesn't really get round to phoning them much. They haven't phoned us since Christmas although we have gone over to see them. I have said that PILS are welcome to come over whenever they would like and just to give me a call when they are on their way so that we can be in - they haven't taken up this invitation.

PILs haven't said anything about wanting to see us more and haven't done anything about trying to so I kind of think they don't really mind. BUT, I am a bit annoyed about the suggestion that we should be seeing less of my parents to make it 'fair' and I now feel a bit fed up with DH's whole family which doesn't exactly encourage me to make an effort to keep in contact with them which is a bit awkward because I do actually like my PILs!

Sorry this is so long, anyway, AIBU and generally any tips for dealing with this would be very welcome!

Just point out to your SIl that your PILs have an open invitation to come round (subject to calling to check you are in) and, if they choose not to take that up, you can't really be held to blame.

Is there much difference in the distance you are from PIL and your parents?

Give her a damn good ignoring. It's none of her business, and if your PILs were unhappy with the situation they'd tell you surely? She sounds like she's stirring because she can.

My mum always saw more of DS than PILs as she lived 10 minutes away, and PILs were 3.5 hours away. Now, it's down to whoever comes to see us (we are abroad) sees more of him.

Know what you mean about PILs needing to be entertained though! We used 36 glasses in 1 day at Christmas last year because of the way they like things done!

Love your name.

Your SIL basically needs to mind her own business. Your ILs have an open invitation and haven't taken you up on it. If they are moaning to her, tell her to ask them to talk to you directly.

As for seeing your parents less, that's just ridiculous. My MIL gets jealous like this- she was annoyed that my parents saw our flat first. Even though she couldn't be bothered to come and visit . It's great for you to have the support.

Thanks. Wow, I may not be being unreasonable!

Both PILs and my parents are about 90mins away but my mum has always been prepared to travel for ages to see her kids - I'm one of 4 and all very close, whereas PILs don't really like being away from home and out of their routine.

I feel a bit bad because things have been a bit rubbish for SIL in the last year but I am getting fed up with feeling guilty about seeing my parents more

Not saying this is the best way to deal with it but I would phone the PIL, tell them that SIL has told you they're upset, and that as this is the LAST thing you'd want to happen, you're phoning to ENSURE they know they have an open invitation to visit, and you are SO keen for them to come, WHENEVER they like.

I always find if you face people with things, it's better because often they don't have the guts to say anything to you directly; however, if you've done this openly and directly, they can NEVER say that you didn't make this offer or make clear where you're coming from.

it is easier to pop in to see your daughter than your DIL though
i suppose your SIL is stuck in the middle, and may think she is gently helping the situation diplomatically
i reckon if you pushed them to visit more often, they probably wouldn't, ikswim, and then you would feel like the better person all around.it sounds like your DH doesn't feel the need to see them all the time

Honestly I would start to phone them instead of dh - if your one is anything like mine, they're entirely useless at keeping in touch with anybody....parents included! I phone my MIL whenever my dh forgets (usually once a week and I try to keep to that) and I can tell that she appreciates/enjoys it - like having another daughter to chat to. I leave an open invitation for my parents too but they never take me up on it as they don't want to feel they are intruding...perhaps your PIL feel this way too and perhaps talking to them more often would help to keep the communication open, and perhaps lead to more visits. Try not to be too annoyed at your SIL/PIL - they've obviously talked and are feeling hurt (quite possibly because your dh isn't in contact either!!) but I would try and keep at it, especially if you like them!

ignore your SIL - info from a 3rd party is always biased and usually misreported. You don't know if your PILs are trying to score points with SIL by saying it to her. Or they just want to pretend they are hard done by.

and I second the big invite phone call, and repeat it everytime you see them. That way it's not your fault if they don't come.

I agree. People will often moan to a third party about things which they wouldn't dare confront the main party about (sorry, dreadful grammar!). If spoken to directly about the issue, they will undoubtedly deny that there is a problem but at least you can say in future that you have issued a clear and unambiguous offer to visit so cannot be accused of being unwelcoming.

On DS2's last birthday, MIL turned up unannounced making it clear that she was only staying a few minutes (she had her OH sitting outside in the car). DH and DS2 were out at the shops and she was rather upset that they weren't at home at the precise minutes that she'd chosen to visit. She went straight round to SIL's and collapsed in tears claiming that she was being snubbed by us! How on earth we could be accused of snubbing someone we didn't know was coming is beyond me. However, when tackled directly about it, she denied ever having felt that way. Sigh.

Thanks everyone. I'd issued the invite to PILs at DD's christening and wrote it again in the card thanking them for her christening present, and in the christmas card so I guess I thought that would be enough. I probably do need to phone them more as DH, although lovely, is a bit useless at phones. Maybe if I phone them a bit more often they might be less than 2 hours on the phone when DH calls. I don't think it encourages him .

Thanks very much for your help. I know I'm lucky with the ILs really.

The next time she brings it up, say sweetly, it's a shame DH and PILs aren't as close as me and my parents. I have a really good relationship with my parents.

That spells it out loud and loud. "Not my fault SIL".

I hope you can sort it out. I understand that ILs can be a bit tricky, but I always feel so sorry for grandparents that would like to see their grandchildren more often. I used to find my exMIL quite hard work, but she died a few years ago and I really regret not managing to spend more time with her and DD1 together.

I think I probably need to stop letting it irritate me and just make more of an effort myself as DH won't. I've taken some photos of DD to send round and I think I'll give the ILs a call whenever there are any firsts to report or new teeth etc as that will give me a reason for calling. Even if SIL is still being annoying at least I will be doing more to sort it out.

Thanks for all the advice though and for not telling me that IABU!

Agree that YANBU but SIL might think she is helping - try not to get too pissed off with her and try not to let this make you irritated with PILs. It might have been a throw away comment on their behalf or misinterpreted by SIL and they might not have been moaning. Or they might have been moaning but believing they were doing it in confidence not wanting to make you feel bad but just letting off steam if you see what I mean?

Agree that it is worth reiterating the invitation whenever you see them / speak to them so they can't accuse you of behaving differently. How would they respond if you asked them to babysit instead of your mum one time too? Don't feel guilty about seeing your mum though - that would be silly and pointless.

We have a similar situation but my mil understands that I am closer to my mum and therefore when I need help I call her instead. Plus MIL although helpful is very prescriptive about what she will and won't do which kind of reduces the help really. We make sure mil gets to visit every couple of months (they both live about 4 hours drive away) and so is involved. My paretns visit about the same too as planned visits but we spend a lot longer at theirs when we visit and they have extra visits to help out. The fact mum and dad are easygoing and dh gets on with them better than his own parents is kept between us!!!