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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset about boss’ comments about looking after child

13 replies

TheMintHam · 12/03/2024 09:46

I had a return to work of sorts with my boss about 10 days ago after 3 weeks out due to stress. It’s not been the best start as I had only just transferred into it from another department, obviously I was scared I might lose my job so that made matters worse. It’s affected a long term health condition I have so am able to work but from home. Boss apparently fought this as they said I couldn’t do my job from home but had also admitted they’d never had a conversation with me. I can tell you now my job is 100% doable remotely, the only thing I can’t at home is make the teas and coffees which isn’t my job anyway.

So, I’ve been wfh since return and have been put on a review pathway even though there had been no feedback about poor work and my performance had previously been praised in reviews. However, boss has made assertions about my ineffective communication which never had been an issue when wfh in the past, but since wfh request in line with medical advice it’s all about how they aren’t able to get in touch with me when needed- I know this to be false. What I just couldn’t understand is if there was any issues why was this never brought to my attention.

So, what’s really got me is that in my return meeting Boss laid it on thick about how much work they have and started to bring up my communication etc. They also brought up how difficult it must be for me to look after small child being a single parent and unwell. Which felt somewhat accusatory. I do not feel it was appropriate to bring this up and furthermore this is not the first time my single parent status has been raised. The type of office it is I wish I’d never disclosed that info. I can tell you now there was no concern for myself and no one has welcomed me back to the office, it actually feels as though I’m being frozen out as I’ve barely received any work. Am I being unreasonable here to think this should not be mentioned?

OP posts:
MeganOIiver · 12/03/2024 10:08

Yeah they shouldn't have brought it up. Have there been times when you have your child at home during work times?

BobbyBiscuits · 12/03/2024 10:10

For whatever reason he's desperate for you not to WFH. So he's just trying to belittle you by saying you can't cope with WFH as you have a kid?

It sounds awful. But if I were you I'd start the job search in earnest.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 12/03/2024 10:12

That's not OK, unless you WFH with your child there, in which case that's valid point as you shouldn't be doing that. I'd be job hunting anyway, sounds like an awful place to work.

TheMintHam · 12/03/2024 10:15

There was a single time that I can recall whereby DC had viral infection and I had to stay home, I was upfront about this and got childcare in the afternoon but had to wfh. It didn’t seem to be an issue for the other mums in the team when this had happened to them.

To clarify- I have childcare, child is not usually at home with me.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 12/03/2024 10:19

How do you communicate with the office from home? My DH is WFH and he sits on MS Teams all day. So not on calls/video all day but his chat box and email are always open and he responds to stuff there...

It's clear he doesn't want you in his team. So I'd be taking note of all the comments. Making sure your are contactable at all times during wfh hours etc. And see where that goes. Challenge him everytime he says poor communication... when/how did you contact me and I didn't respond?. Ask for evidence.

TheMintHam · 12/03/2024 10:21

LittleOwl153 · 12/03/2024 10:19

How do you communicate with the office from home? My DH is WFH and he sits on MS Teams all day. So not on calls/video all day but his chat box and email are always open and he responds to stuff there...

It's clear he doesn't want you in his team. So I'd be taking note of all the comments. Making sure your are contactable at all times during wfh hours etc. And see where that goes. Challenge him everytime he says poor communication... when/how did you contact me and I didn't respond?. Ask for evidence.

Literally this, I am always on teams and people even were able to get through to me on personal mobile.

OP posts:
GardenRoom · 12/03/2024 10:22

This reads like sex and disability discrimination. Are you in a union? It sounds like you work for a reasonably large company so if you have a decent HR department I would go to them and tell them what’s happening. If they are worth their salt they will realize they’re at risk of legal action. I would also speak to ACAS if I was you.

MeganOIiver · 12/03/2024 10:22

So it seems that they are lying about you, I'd complain. And look for another job too.

ColleenDonaghy · 12/03/2024 10:25

He thinks you have your DC at home. Every time he says it, reply with "Yes, it's tough, mainly financially as the childcare is £X a month, but it's just one of those things." Make it very very clear you're not taking the piss.

PeopleGetSoAngry · 12/03/2024 10:26

Your single parent status should not have been mentioned. You've said that you have childcare etc, you don't work from home with child there so they absolutely shouldn't have brought it up. Agree with PP this sounds very much like a discrimination case.

Riverlee · 12/03/2024 10:27

Is the boss a new boss in the new department? All bosses have their own way of doing things, and maybe he prefers more frequent communication. You say he hasn’t been able to get hold of you - can he cite examples of this? What are you doing when he’s trying to get hold of you? Do you respond to his messages in a reasonable time when you see them?

He may have a case regarding communication, he may not, we don’t really know.

Regarding childcare, is he assuming you’re looking after your child during working hours? Has he had a bad experience with a single mother wfh and so is cautious (although they should affect you). Maybe they were actually being empathetic or sympathetic about you being a single mum, and trying to be supportive.

Riverlee · 12/03/2024 10:28

(just seen your update re communication)

TheMintHam · 12/03/2024 10:31

Riverlee · 12/03/2024 10:27

Is the boss a new boss in the new department? All bosses have their own way of doing things, and maybe he prefers more frequent communication. You say he hasn’t been able to get hold of you - can he cite examples of this? What are you doing when he’s trying to get hold of you? Do you respond to his messages in a reasonable time when you see them?

He may have a case regarding communication, he may not, we don’t really know.

Regarding childcare, is he assuming you’re looking after your child during working hours? Has he had a bad experience with a single mother wfh and so is cautious (although they should affect you). Maybe they were actually being empathetic or sympathetic about you being a single mum, and trying to be supportive.

It is quite literally the other way around, I ask for info and my emails are ignored or ‘missed’. I guarantee- it’s not supportive.

Its funny because I was up front about my situation when I took job. I’ve never asked for any changes to working hours and made sure I meet deadlines. Boss and senior staff are a very clandestine group and I’ve watched them push out a colleague from the team since being there.

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