How to stop caring what I look like

[bubblebutt88]

I'm in my late thirties and since having my kids I can definitely see my looks have faded. I've never been a stunner but in my younger days I think I had a nice figure and was fairly pretty.

I hate how I look now. And I can put some of it down to ageing and tiredness from kids but a lot of it is my own fault, I have a bad diet and don't exercise enough so I'm about 2 stone overweight at the moment. I wear make up but I've never really taken the time to find my style with clothes and my hair always looks thin, lank and crap.

I've tried time and time again to give up food/booze and to exercise more but I don't stick to it and I'm sick of disappointing myself. So I guess I just need to learn how to accept this is how I look and I can't really change it.

I've become very self conscious about it. Always thinking people must think I'm hideous, changing outfits numerous times before going out, taking selfies to look back at to check (only to cringe and immediately delete them). I know it sounds strange how someone can be so obsessive but so lacking in willpower to change it. I can't be arsed to change it. I just need to stop caring.

Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself and getting stuck in obsessive thinking, believing that if you look ‘right’ you’ll feel good. Sounds really trite but I swear this works - try and start considering how you feel vs how you look.

So that means doing anything movement wise that makes your body feel good. Means eating things that feel healthy. Means doing things to be kind to yourself like say gentle meditations and relaxation for your mind and then activities that feel good (interests, hobbies etc).

You may not notice any immediate change in how you look but over time you’ll feel a hell of a lot better and more accepting. You deserve to feel good now not when you’ve reached whatever ideal weight or style etc.

I do try to do things that are better for me but ultimately I have such low willpower that I just can't give up the things that give me pleasure even though I know they're bad for me - wine, chocolate, takeaways, scrolling through internet instead of going for a walk etc. I really annoy myself.

Don’t try and make lots of changes. Just pick one and stick with it. Personally with the weather being so shit I’d park the walking rather than scrolling until it is actually enjoyable to turn this into a habit.

Try a takeaway free month perhaps and see how you get on? Try lots of small changes rather than one big one.

Stop doing some of the 'jobs' you do round the house, say no to more things and free yourself up some time. Having time to yourself can change how you feel. Get a good hair do from hairdresser, it'll last ages, drink tons of water and throw away clothes that don't fit or you don't like. Look on Pinterest or suchlike for ideas on basic wardrobe for your shape and just have a few things you actually like. Buy a size up in tops which is slimming. If you like lipstick buy a nice one you like or a real blush that is used on cheeks, lips. De-clutter your house, be mercenary. All these small things make life feel more spacious and really helps how you feel. Wear a perfume you like.

I think there are quite a few issues here jumbled up.

Firstly: people genuinely don’t pay anywhere near as much attention to you as you think they do. Virtually nobody who you see at the shop or walk past in the street registers you much beyond the split second they lay eyes on you, and has forgotten you entirely a moment later.

Secondly: well, what happens if they do notice you? The invisible contents of other people’s heads can’t hurt you and nor will they have any actual impact on your life. The other day I ran to the pub like a dork whilst dressed like a sentient jumble sale. Nothing bad happened to me.

And that’s ultimately how you stop caring what people think of you, if that’s what you want: “Nothing bad will happen to me if other people don’t love the way I look.”

Thirdly: if your appearance makes you this unhappy then regardless of how much anyone else cares it’s always worth trying to fix. But since you’ve just decided not to bother any more, you’re starting from a point of zero expectations: so even the tiniest of changes is going to be a milestone. Give yourself tiny goals and set touch points for weight loss. Rope some friends in and have a clothes swap evening. Promise yourself you’ll cleanse and moisturise your face properly every day for a week - then challenge yourself to keep it up for the next, and the next.