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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK that I still dislike my mum even though she's dead

19 replies

NicholJO · 11/03/2024 21:57

Hi mum netters
It's a long story but I will keep as short as possible. From day 1 that I can remember my mum was a drinker she and my dad spilt up when I was young. My mum died because of alcohol when I was 19 I'm now nearly 43 I'm still so angry with her because of my childhood. She allowed her numerous bfs to beat me up and 2 off them raped me when I was 11 and 13 she didn't believe me saying you just want your daddy or your jealous she used to beat me so bad I would have to miss school. I have been to see a counsellor 4 times since I was 20 but I honestly would like to be able to go to her grave and put flowers on and forgive her as I know she had a alcohol problem but I cannot find it in myself to do that what makes it worse is I'm I mother to 7 children age from 27 to 4 years I also have 5 beautiful grandchildren can anybody recommend how I can forgive and forget
Thank you for reading my sorry story

OP posts:
Flufferblub · 11/03/2024 21:59

You probably have a lot of things that you need to work through with a professional therapist. You've been through a lot of trauma 💐

JacquesHarlow · 11/03/2024 22:00

therapy can be a lifelong process @NicholJO its not just a one-and-done thing. I suggest if possible please you return to therapy so you can reach this stated goal of yours. Good luck

Collywobblewobbles · 11/03/2024 22:01

Why do you want to forgive her?

You can still find peace if you don't.

If you do forgive her, then that's more than most people would be able to do. Please don't feel that you have to. She failed to protect you in the most fundamental ways and I am so sorry for everything you suffered as a result Flowers

If what you're actually seeking is peace then I think this might be something you may able to find eventually, with the help of therapy perhaps. Trauma therapy takes a long time and it's not always easy.

Mum2jenny · 11/03/2024 22:02

I understand you have some serious issues, but I can only say I think you need to discuss this with a professional. Sorry I cannot help you further.

Mum2jenny · 11/03/2024 22:03

However forgiveness comes from within…

JacquesHarlow · 11/03/2024 22:03

Mum2jenny · 11/03/2024 22:03

However forgiveness comes from within…

I agree with this statement , however it’s easy to forgive when you have the right process in place to allow you to. OP can’t do that until they have had enough therapy to move forward.

fluffycatkins · 11/03/2024 22:04

I think a trauma based therapist might be a good way forward.
But forgiving and forgetting seems like a lot to ask of yourself.
Maybe allowing the past to usually stay in the past and not allowing anger to consume too much of your current life would be a more realistic goal.

oakleaffy · 11/03/2024 22:05

Therapy is expensive.
Maybe a GP could refer you to an NHS one if they still exist?
No wonder you are so hurt and angry.

Anyone would be.
The greatest gift any child can have is two loving parents and a stable , safe upbringing.

Those that have that are set up for life IMO
the rest of us just have to cope with a less than ideal hand.

Sundaygettingreadyfortheweek · 11/03/2024 22:08

You don’t need to forgive her.

dottiedodah · 11/03/2024 22:09

I think you have every right to be angry and upset.your mum has failed to protect you as a vulnerable child. Maybe try some more intense counselling to see if that may help.dont beat yourself up though.

Mischance · 11/03/2024 22:09

It's OK to feel as you do - good and bad people die, and their death does not change who they were.

Now that you are adult you are probably able to rationalise your Mum's behavior because of her addiction - to have a better grasp of why she behaved as she did. But when you are a child (and this is what you were when all this happened) her behaviour was bad - and you had no way of explaining it. It was just plain bad.

I seriously do not think you should even try to forgive and forget. You feel what you feel and that is fine - you are allowed this. You do not need to forgive her, but to forgive yourself for hating her, because you have done nothing wrong and it is OK to feel like that. How else can you feel under the circumstances? What other feeling might fit the bill?

Your hatred is understandable and rational and you must allow yourself this - acknowledge those feelings, recognise that they make total sense and let yourself off the hook. Time to forgive yourself I think and move on with what sounds like a very busy life.

Pat yourself on the back for all you have achieved in spite of this bad start.

Original poster
NicholJO · 11/03/2024 22:12

Thank you everyone I don't know how to reply individually I'm a Internet alien.
I have 4 rounds of intensive therapy that lasted 10 weeks each. But honestly that only scratched the minimum there is so much more I honestly could do I 400 page book
I do want to forgive her but I'm scared to I know it sounds stupid but if I forgive her will I be like her I have never put a finger wrong to my children but I don't know if my anger for her is normal

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 11/03/2024 22:12

Some people don't deserve forgiveness and it doesn't mean you're holding a greater or hurting yourself but not forgiving. I'll never forgive my mother. Why the hell should I for what she did and what then happened?

ButterCrackers · 11/03/2024 22:14

You don’t have to forgive and it’s ok to not forgive.

OhMargaret · 11/03/2024 22:16

Of course it's OK, OP. You must be furious with her and so you should be.

The reason it bothers you so much is because you love her - we all love our parents on some level, however horrifically they let us down. It's the conflicting feelings that drive us mad. A good therapist should be able to help you manage the overwhelming force of it all.

Try the free pyschotherapy network - even if you don't qualify for their service, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com/

the free psychotherapy network

free psychotherapy for people on low incomes and benefits

https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com

Bigcat25 · 11/03/2024 22:28

I'm very sorry you had to suffer in the way that you did. I don't think you owe her forgiveness, if you want to that's one thing but you shouldn't feel obligated. Her alcoholism doesn't absolve her of all personal responsibility, imo

Original poster
NicholJO · 11/03/2024 23:15

Thank you to everyone that as replied to me
I'm so sorry I don't know how to reply individually. You have all been wonderful and gave me food for thought. All the beatings and telling me she wished I was never born how she drank a bottle off vodka a day when pregnant with me punched her stomach repeatedly to knock me out of her I honestly could go on but I just want to give you lovely ladys and possible gentlemen a little idea off what my mother was like

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 11/03/2024 23:21

I can’t stand my Mum. She died in 2019. Very complex history - alcoholism, mental health problems, abusive etc. You really don’t have to forgive anything, or speak positively about someone just because they’ve died…!

HRTQueen · 11/03/2024 23:25

How sad your childhood was, how let down you have been by you mum she was supposed to protect you

maybe you need to forgive yourself for feeling the way you do and that’s absolutely ok to feel this way

we don’t have to understand our awful mums, we don’t have to love them, we don’t have to miss them, we can feel anger, hate and hurt towards them

and we don’t have to find reasoning for their behaviour and choices and we really do not have to forgive we just have to get to a point where we feel ok in how we feel and there is no right way or wrong way

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