Potential bullying .. Is this acceptable response from school?

[Millymollymaisy]

My child is in year 3 and a few weeks ago he had a horrible experience of a class friend activity encouraging others to exclude him in the playground and when my son asked why he was told that he was stupid and nobody liked him ( exlcluding / name calling )

Last week same child suddenly came up into my child’s face as in nose to nose and shouted SHUT UPPPPPP! causing a lot of upset.

I emailed the school and the senco. My son is sen and I suspect the other one might have some extra needs going on but none the less he understands school rules and is kind to his peers

Today the school family officer took my so from class with the other boy and told my son that ‘ he finds it hard to apologise and using his words ‘ but instead gave my son a colour in picture they had printed and a small bag of sensory balls for him to take home…

I feel that there has been two close incidents directly targeted at my son which falls into what they describe as bullying on their school policy and if it’s not managed now there could be more incidents.

as parents we feel it’s a unhealthy message to send to a young child’s head - someone can purposely target you , they don’t have to apologise ( whether said or written ) but here’s a present . Am I wrong?

The family officer hasn’t been in touch with us but did see my husband in the playground and told him ‘ it was actually quite sweet ‘ that the child who’s done this twice now had printed off the colour in picture….

on top of these incidents he has also swore multiple times at my son f you, F off , yet ‘ he finds it hard to use his words ‘ I had suggested in my email that his parents maybe be spoken too but I am unsure if it will happen.

as I said I suspect the child may have additional needs but it’s not a excuse to behave in this way , I wouldn’t use that as a excuse if the shoe was on the other foot ..

wouod you leave it at this or approach them about the gift giving tactic they have gone down ?

I think the school have handled this fine up to this point. They are fairly minor incidents, and in Y3 they are still quite young, the “family officer” (never heard of one) is aware.

What else would you want school to do ?

You recognise the other child may have additional needs, so they are adapting how they make reparations.

The behaviour isn't ok, but two incidents isn't bullying, no.

I would not accept another primary age child telling mine to fuck off etc. let alone the excluding and name calling.

That’s completely inappropriate behaviour and it needs to be addressed properly by the school. Taking the victim out of his classroom rather than the perpetrator is not the correct way to deal with this.

I’m also guessing that the member of school staff is not very confident in dealing with these sorts of issues so is hoping you’ll accept this nonsense without a murmur.

Start with making an appt. to speak to the teacher and find out what they’re doing to support your child going forward. If you don’t feel it’s adequate then say so. Don’t be fobbed off just because they’re understaffed or whatever.

I'm saying YABU because they know the child and how their additional needs will affect them.

The colouring in picture was an apology and I'm quite sure their parents will be told of the incidents, as the child was taken out of class and spoken to.

I can guarantee that the DC shouting Shut up in your DC face has this done to himself at a regular basis which is sad in itself

Taking the victim out of his classroom rather than the perpetrator is not the correct way to deal with this.

Read it again, they were both taken out of the class so they could speak to both children.

Because it's a learned response

The child apologised in his way. That is much better than forcing him to say a word with little meaning to him.

It's been dealt with you have to draw a line under each event because there will be plenty more in your DC life

He just needs to know he's lived and supported at home no matter what and always be on his side

You can guarantee nothing of the sort if the child has SN.

@YabbaDabbaDooooo in Yr 3 yes you can

No you can’t.

my son has been known to shout in peoples faces when he is struggling. I can guarantee nobody has ever struggled in his face. (Nor have I ever condoned it on the few occasions it has happened)

How does your son feel now?

1. The child was spoken to about his behaviour.
2. He made some form of amends by giving the picture. If he had said I am sorry, he would only be repeating what the adult told him to say. I am not sure that would be more meaningful than the gift and the picture.
3. The two incidents you describe are unpleasant but not really enough to be described as bullying. Children are often unpleasant to each other. Year 3 children do not always have good impulse control as yet. Many children in schools are operating at a much younger age socially and behaviourally than their chronological age. This may be due to sen but could also be for many other reasons.
4. You seem to want to have input into the sanction. You won't get this.
5. You could ask that this child and yours do not sit near each other in the classroom.

You know embarrassingly little about additional needs if you think being in year 3 is going to make a miraculous difference.

Perhaps you should read around MN and learn from lots of the members here.

I'm intrigued to know what it is you require to move on.

The child apologised in his own way. Rather than a quick 'sorry' just for the sake of it and meaning nothing, he was supported in apologising by using his time to do something thoughtful for your child. Actions speak louder than words.

I read the title thinking I would fully support you, expecting the school had done nothing. When actually they have followed up your email and made appropriate steps considering the children involved.

Also, you don't get to find out what the consequence was for the other child. You have no right to know if the other child's parents were spoken to or if anything else was put in place. Just the same if your child did something wrong then no one else is told how your child's situation was managed.

These were not nice things to happen to your child, but you also now need to calm down and back off. They are in Year 3, the situation has been dealt with appropriately by the school, you now have a grudge that you need to drop.

Obviously if anything else happens then you should be informing the school.

Yes this was bullying, a child trying to get others to exclude yours is a form of bullying

The school have recognised this and tried to mediate between the boys.
What is important now is what happens next - what are the school doing to reduce chance of this hapenning now? What will happen if this happens again/bullying gets worse?

It's natural to want to know the consequences for someone who has upset your child, but the school can't tell you this. It's important to keep your focus solely on your child - how is he feeling, how are the school supporting him.

The situation does get more challenging when the other child has SEN as the school are often more reluctant to put in place detterants to this kind of behaviour. My daughter was hit/scratched/ hair pulled/head smashed into a table daily by a child with SEN in year 2 who had been sat next to her. The teachers initial response was that my daughter had to put up with it as the other child couldn't help herself, and they hoped that my daughter would be a positive role model to this child and they would stop on their own. Wrong- it got gradually worse and worse, but I was very careful to never criticise the other child, ultimately I don't know her. But I do know my daughter and how my happy carefree child had become scared and anxious. So I kept her home one day and asked to meet with the headteacher before our daughter would return. She was wonderful, and again focused on my daughter 'what do you think she is feeling' 'what do you as her mum think would help her'. And we got my daughter moved across the class far from the child who had been hurting her, and with support she became happy in school and is now thriving in year 3. But it took a while

So monitor the situation closely, keep written records of incidents along with how these made your son feel, so have evidence to escalate if needed

Good luck

YANBU OP this is why we have such an accountability problem. Being able to acknowledge your wrongdoing, apologise for it and make amends in a relevant way is an essential lesson for a child to learn. Maybe now he would just be parroting what the teacher said, but that is still an early step in learning how to evaluate his own behaviour and its impact on others.

In what way does a picture demonstrate that this child is going to be polite going forward?

In what way does a verbal apology say that?

From what OP posted, I've interpreted that the boy has made a gesture of apology. Actions can and do often speak louder than words. The only real action that is likely to help here is if the boy abstains from mistreating OP's son in future, but at least he has tried.