Mothers Drinking

[CuckooLone]

Hi, This is less an AIBU - because I don't think I am, as it is a request for what to do.
I have recently moved home from university, and this is hard enough, but my mum is a big drinker. before uni it was the sort of hidden drinking where i'd find the odd bottle poorly hidden, but while I was away it has gotten so much worse.

I've been back for a week, and everything has seemed fine. I'm working full time and maybe thats how it has been hidden, but today she has gone to work (i think) and I have found 3-4 boxes of wine hidden around.

I'm 23 and im terrified. I know I can't do anything but im so worried and unsure of what to do. She has admitted to me on some occasions that she thinks she has a problem, but clearly has never done anything to address it.

I just don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be here until I can get a place of my own but I don't want to be here to watch any of this happen, but I cant afford to move out yet.

Sorry for the verbal splurge there but its a bit of a mess.

What do you think would happen if you asked her if she was ready to talk to someone about her drinking?

This is really tough. I have an alcoholic parent and I am older than you, so I know what you're going through.

Like you, I didn't want to be around to see it happening and until I had enough money I had to stay. It's stressful, infuriating and upsetting.

You can use the organisations Al Anon and Nacoa. I find the Nacoa website comforting to read when I am feeling down about it and I have called their helpline a few times when I was upset.

You can encourage her to talk about her drinking with someone, but in my experience this is easier said than done.

Do you have anyone else who knows about the problem or is it just you and your mum?

Tell her you'll support her in any way you can if she decides to get help. Other than that, you'll have to see whether you can live with her as she is, and move out if you can't. (Also, just finding bottles isnt necessarily indicative of a drink problem, unless she's hiding empties to hide from herself how much she's drinking.)

Do you feel you could tell her you’ve found the wine boxes and open a discussion with her about how worried you are, or if you can’t do you have any other family members or friends who could?
The problem is if you just ignore it probably nothing will change but you must remember that you can never help someone to stop drinking unless they recognise they have a problem and they actually want to stop themselves.
Al-Anon UK is for families of drinkers and may be worth a call.

My question would be why are they hidden? I drink wine, most nights! My bottles are just in a rack. Realistically, how much is she drinking? Do you have any idea? Do you disapprove of her drinking full stop? Is that why shes hiding them? Or is there an amount that's acceptable to you? Have there been past issues arising from her drinking too much?

I'm trying to get to what the situation actually is, as it's hard to tell how big of a problem it is, or whether your perception is worse than the reality.

Thank you.

I've tried telling friends and some close family in the past, but considering they never see it because she hides it really well day to day until she's at home, i've never been able to get them to see the problem.

I think they are hidden so that she can pretend to me like she isnt drinking because shes ashamed of it. The volume is whats worried me this time, three or four boxes of wine, equivalent to about 3 bottles each hidden in different places clearly not meant for me to find.

I was about your age when I uncovered my mums drinking too. I’d find bottles everywhere, hidden in the strangest places. I’ve tackled it head on, I’ve supported her, shouted at her, went to AA with her, literally everything. Nothing has worked in my case.

But, and I don’t know if this is any consolation, but over a decade or so has past now, and all I can say is I am totally numb to it all now. She is what she is and I cannot change that and she doesn’t want to.

Create some boundaries and stick to them. For me I refuse to spent time in her company if she’s been drinking, so if I arrive and she’s in a state I leave. It gives me back a bit of control.
Find the ones that work for your set-up and build your own life outside the house.

Nacoa look great, I follow them on Socials, but I didn’t know about them when I needed it.

It’s really hard having an alcoholic parent, so I really empathise with you.

Realistically there is little you can do as the person needs to recognise it and want to help themself. If they’re in denial you will drain yourself of energy and also your relationship will suffer.

by all means broach it but don’t ruin your own life doing it.

Don't count full boxes, I buy a case at a time and probably have a lot more than that in the house. Count the empties, that's what tells you how much she's drinking. My mum had no alcohol to speak of in the house but we found umpteen carrier bags full of empty bottles

Be upset, feel angry, but don't let it consume you. As @Margarita45 said, now that I am older I have somewhat accepted it. I can't change it, and it's not my fault. I have boundaries too. I leave when my parent is drunk. Years ago I would have stayed, tried to help. Now I just go home and think of myself. I appreciate you aren't in this position yet but I hope you can get some comfort that these feelings won't be the same forever.

It's a tough road to navigate and things will bother you when you least expect it. I burst into tears the first time my husband (boyfriend at the time) said he was going on a stag do because all I could think about was the drinking. I wasn't even thinking about my husband, I was recalling all the times my parent had come home trashed after nights out!

Is she high functioning? Holds down her job, keeps herself and the home to a reasonable standard? Pays her bills (as far as you know)? No major behaviour changes like aggression? If so, then my best advice to you would be to just carry on as you were. Because it's very very unlikely anything you say will change her, and very very likely it will just make her start lying to you, and that's can be very difficult to get past.
The thing with alcoholics is, they nearly always already know. So sitting them down and saying you're worried, asking them to stop, ultimatums, they do no good, because they just either deny and gaslight you, or agree make promises and then lie about it.
Keep on saving up OP so whatever your mum decides to do with her life, you'll have yours.

OK so the hiding them says to me it is something she's ashamed of. And having 4 boxes in various places is quite concerning I think. I might for example have 1 box in the kitchen and a couple of bottles in the rack, but I wouldn't have numerous boxes hidden away.

I think you can try talking to her, once. If once isn't enough, then 50 times won't be enough. Either she accepts it now or it will only be when she's ready.

Having an alcoholic or parent with substance needs is so difficult.

as your post said on occasion she states she feels she may have a drinking problem. Could you help her approach a local drug and alcohol agency who can give advise and assess if there is cause for concern?

or offer to attend an AA group with her (an open one as some are closed to just those seeking help but the open ones friends and family can attend) - she may find it beneficial or may not.

from experience, many people with high functioning alcoholism can hide it well, hold down high demand jobs, parent, maintain ties etc but there are options out there if you feel comfortable engaging in those conversations with her.

My mum is an alcoholic. It was not fun to live with. My advice is to move out, rent a small flat. It may take longer to buy but living with someone alcohol dependent will break you.