To be fed up of friend putting her kids down

[spanieleyes22]

I spent the afternoon with a friend yesterday. She has 2 DDs 5 and 7. From the moment I arrived she was being cross with them and putting them down. The little one wouldn't eat her lunch- she had a huge portion of rice and fish on her plate. I thought she had done pretty well. I was trying to b encouraging saying just have another bite but her mum was constantly telling me how she wouldn't eat properly and only would eat sweets. Then she started on about the rice that was falling on the floor. She made them pick up every grain. Then they had a few toys out and she kept saying tidy up those toys. But what were they supposed to do? She kept tidying everything up. I left early I couldn't take it any more. Everything they did as wrong even down to the way the little one was blowing her nose. She had a bad cough and cold but her mum said it was her own fault as she wouldn't keep her coat on at school. I was so depressed last night. I could see from their faces that they heard everything she said. She was probably having a bad day but it's not the first or only time I've seen and heard her talk to them like this. It seems to be getting worse. Feel
So sorry for the little girls

Yes, this should be reported to the school.

There are processes in place to deal with third party safeguarding referrals.

They will then decide whether to monitor or report

The school can join up with other services/refer to (in an ideal world they DO do this) family therapy or suggest parenting classes It's a very "cheap" intervention for struggling families. It's not about social workers taking kids away. At least I would hope not. When we were struggling with our son, this is what the school did for us. But she would have to open up to someone about how she feels in general about coping with kids not just blame them unilaterally..or maybe that in itself would trigger some meaningful intervention from school....because they are child focused remember not parent focused

And talking to school would be supporting her...if you think about it...because she is miserable in current situation...she isn't actually happy living the way she is, at all.

People have given you the correct advice you just don’t seem to want to do it

Report to the school, it’s emotional abuse and you need to do something

Yes I've made so many suggestions but she always makes an excuse why we it can't happen . I hate thinking what the girls are going through and my friend too .

I don't think I can report to the school what would I even say. She is friendly with the teachers and I'm sure they think she is great with her kids. She's very caring and wants the best for them.

Jesus this thread is going to go round in circles

You don’t report to the teachers

You report to the designated safeguarding lead, whose information will be publicly available

You are currently sat here trying to find excuses as to why you can’t help two abused children. Pathetic

School might be reluctant to report it as it's third hand info. You could try calling social services yourself and share your concerns anonymously.
Overall though, I think it would be better to have a frank conversation with your friend. Things are always better out in the open.
Tell her your concerned and want to help , she needs to go to gp and tell them herself that she's struggling. The children won't be taken away, ss will be able to offer the family some support. That might be parenting classes or free kids clubs in school holidays which are coming up again end of this month. This way she can get a bit of time for herself and start to focus on getting better.
You sound like a lovely friend.

"She is very caring and wants the best for them".
She is also mentally ill and NOT caring for them in the present situation.
She thinks she is caring for them, but objectively she is not. Its not what she intends but what the result is. Damage to them.

This is abuse and it will severely impact her children for the rest of their lives. She needs help, and to get it to her you need to make a report to social services so that the right agencies can get involved. Do it today. Those little girls need you to.

That's really sad. I think I'd have to just say it as it is to her but only you know whether that it likely to push her away or not, which you don't want.

If she shouts at them and picks at them when you are there I just worry she does worse when you aren't there. I'd try to persuade her to let you take them directly from school to the park for an hour so she could rest/sleep. She might let them go with you if she thinks you are offering to benefit her and it's only an hour.

Look I'm sorry but the children have told you they dont feel happy or loved. Your friend needs more support than you can give her but more importantly someone needs to intervene for the sake of the children.
If you won't talk to the school or SS, then phone the NSPCC and talk to them.

''You can contact the NSPCC Helpline by calling 0808 800 5000''

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/nspcc-helpline/

Okay, if you don't want to speak to the school, you could ring children's social care at your local authority and, without giving any of the details od the family, explain everything you have said here and ask for advice as to whether you should raise a safeguarding concern. The professionals can then advise you on the best course of action and who you should notify. It's a little more anonymous, and you could get advice.

Please do report this to someone. I have known victims of childhood emotional abuse and it can destroy the rest of their lives. If it was unpleasant for you, imagine what life is like for those little girls, living with this all the time.

The fact she wants the best for them doesn't make it ok. Kids should never have to live with feeling scared and walking on eggshells, especially in their own home. There are greys in parenting but this is very black and white. Its not ok for any parent to make their child feel scared.

She can be so fierce to them and shout very loud and I can see they are scared they don't understand what they did. They have often come over to me and said mummy doesn't like me any more and I try and smooth it over
None of this is in any way ok. You said you couldn't stand watching it and left early. These two little girls have to live it.

Ultimately she's an adult and she can make her own choices about her life, they can't and they need and deserve protection. She needs help, and more than you can give her.

I feel sad for the daughters and for your friend, it won't harm the girls to have some ground rules and discipline, see if she wants to go for a coffee maybe at a play place then the girls can run around a bit and you can have a catch up?

This.