Background: 15 year abusive and coercively controlling relationship including pinning me down and battering me around my head, punching a hole in the wall next to my face, throwing me across a room, throwing something at my head, revenge porn. When we had our first child he stopped paying any money towards bills so I was forced to return to full time work when baby was 12 weeks old. We now have 2 children, the eldest he would stonewall for days if she was 'rude', barged past her so she fell into the wall and hurt herself, biting her until she cried but passing it off as 'playfighting'. Multiple road rage incidents. He held his shaking fist (as if about to punch) to our then 3 year old's face. I filed for divorce after he started threatening her he would punch her in the face if she wouldn't do as she was told. I did not feel safe being in the same house once we separated, I managed to obtain an occupation order with the power of arrest which he breached so an exclusion zone was put around the house and he was given a suspended prison sentence.
CAFCASS and the courts were not interested in any of the above and granted every other weekend access. Since then he has taken the children to court where he was banned from driving, then driven home. I had to report him to social services for hitting/biting the youngest, the SS representative said it was 'cultural.' He had a road rage altercation, parked up and took youngest with him to go and punch the man in the face. She was so scared she said she was trembling and had never been so scared in her life. Once again reported to SS who took all the information and never called back.
None of the above even goes into the emotional or coercive abuse. He has shown CMS letters to the youngest and told her 'mummy's trying to steal my money. If mummy steals my money I'm going to have to quit my job' (which he did). On another occasion when after trying to persuade me to withdraw the CMS claim, which I refused, he phoned eldest to tell her that because of me she is no longer allowed to do any of her activities on 'his weekends'. He tells the younger one he cries for her every day, when they leave he'll be all alone, and he will have to take pills if he doesn't see her. I just found an old diary where she had told me 'if I didn't do what daddy asked do you think he'd kill me?'.
The youngest has been intermittently vomiting when she stays for contact ever since the order was put in place. At first I thought it was just a coincidence she was contracting vomiting viruses on his weekends. Then I thought it could be due to hygiene or his cooking. But 5 years in it is still happening only on his weekends. I have spoken to 2 separate doctors (and given the background) who have advised it is 'just' anxiety. One has referred to CAMHS but I know not to hold my breath. I tried to see if I could get her therapy, therapist said they're unable to help while the trauma is ongoing. School are aware of everything and help as much as possible which is only really art therapy. Her mental health is deteriorating where now she has developed health anxiety. During the last contact I was bombarded with messages of her begging to come home, but at the same time she is terrified of making him sad and having to take pills. This contact weekend her anxiety was so bad she just lay on the sofa the whole weekend, they couldn't go anywhere or do anything as she felt so sick. He had to walk her to the car where she was kind of hobbling. She said even her teeth were tingling, when I Googled it it said it was another symptom of anxiety.
I have tried to research what are valid reasons for withholding contact and nothing seems to cover what is being experienced. Would I be unreasonable to withhold contact? I feel like if she is forced to continue she will end up with long term mental health issues, if that is not the case already. Child is turning 9 soon. Thanks for anyone reading and any advice.