Fully prepared to be told IABU (or even a heartless bitch)
I'm 28w pregnant after almost a decade of infertility and I'm over the moon about it. I'm so happy, I'm in a really good place in my life after a really hard ten years, and I'm so excited to be a Mum, it's what I've always wanted to be.
DH however is going through a hard time. He's self employed and runs his own business, he has a few staff, and is really struggling with it. The long hours, one of the clients, one of the staff is going through something and it's affecting DH. He says he feels like having the business is no longer worth it, he wants to just get a job, that he feels alone and like everyone is against him and he can't do anything right, that he won't get to spend any time with our baby when he/she is born.
I really, really feel for him. I do. It's out of character - normally he's a workaholic who loves his job and having his own business. He's never been depressed before - stressed or had the odd down time, but not depressed.
But I'm also really frustrated with him.
He point blank refuses to do anything that might help. I can see a few different scenarios which could he do before quitting the business fully but he won't really talk about them or consider them; there are ways that he could recover some time for himself (he says he will do this but hasn't made any steps towards it); the problem with the client he could make easier but just won't because he doesn't want to; he could fire the problematic staff member (he would be well within his rights to do so), etc. He won't see the GP or a counsellor.
I try to give him a lot of emotional reassurance and I am happy to talk through the issues he's having with him, but he doesn't want to. I actually feel like he justs wants to mope about. A lot of deep sighing, a lot of looking down, a lot of dramatic comments, a lot of "I feel so sad".
I have struggled with my MH in the past, and I think one of the reasons I feel a bit resentful now is when work was a massive contributing factor for me, he was not supportive about it at all. He didn't want me to change my job, because he likes my job, basically just told me to suck it up and get on with it, we actually almost ended up breaking up over it. I also lost a close family member to depression, so I promise I'm not an awful person, I understand first hand how hard MH issues are.
I know it can be common for men to be feeling overwhelmed when their wives are pregnant as well, but he's also not doing anything to practically support me, the house is a mess with half finished DIY projects started before we got pregnant, which haven't been touched in months. We're not going to get them all done, he hasn't even tidied up the buckets of paint and tiles etc, they're all just laying about and the health visitor wants to come over!
I also feel resentful because, I've always supported him, his career has always been the main focus in our relationship and mine has always come second, I have always done the bulk of everything (95%, easily) at home because of his long hours, he never cared about the effect of them on me, never cared when I felt lonely or alone because of them. I feel like now should be my time to shine, it should be okay that things are about me and the baby right now, he should be prioritising us and stepping up for me and putting me first for the first time in our relationship. Is that selfish? Maybe. The cynical side of me feels like the timing of this isn't a coincidence though and I feel awful for saying that.
What do you think - AIBU? And if so, any advice on what I can do to reframe how I'm thinking or support him better?