to quietly quit my marriage?

[HoggyDunlop]

Albu?

Been together 13 yrs, married with kids aged 3 - 8. He won't change, he's lazy, uninterested in being a better parent or partner. He's not terrible but not great.

I can't afford to buy him out of the house. I have next to no interest in sex due to side effects of medication & we've barely done it in the last few years. He has low sex drive anyway.

Most of the time we're collegiate roommates but sometimes he drives me mad. I'm so sick of being the "whining" one, calling him out on things he's not done, ways he's not supported me, issues with his handling of the children.

Can I quietly quit? Ie stay but with no attachment in my mind. I can't see a way to leave without it becoming so messy and maybe if I'm not emotionally invested anymore I'll be less bothered by it all and have no expectations for him to fail to meet?

No coincidence that I'm posting after yet another shitty mothers day.

Quit now. You sound utterly ground down by it all. By your own admission he probably won't improve.
Give yourself and your children a happier life.
Happy Mothers Day💐

Who knows if you could really stick it out, but FWIW I consciously managed a miserable marriage for about 15 years before I cracked. It was an awful waste of a large chunk of my life though and I wish I hadn’t stayed.

It will mess your kids up if you stay. They will replicate your loveless marriage I'm their own relationships. Do you want that for them?

As long as you realise anyone can go if they want to and that you are choosing to stay.

its Rare not to have a messy divorce, that’s the nature of divorce

You need to work out the equity of the house, savings and pensions. If you have a job which doesn't pay well you might be entitled to UC (plus child benefit etc). You might be pleasantly surprised once you start looking at finances more carefully, especially once you accept the thought of selling the house. Bricks and mortar are not worth your sanity.

I stuck it out 6 years longer than I should have. I did try at few times to disengage, but it never worked for long. I was still trying to salvage things for a while, but later on I was checked out, but that didn't make the issues bearable. One of the problems of checking out successfully is that you'll need to find a way to accept his lack of help, otherwise the resentment will cripple you. Staying really messed with my mind and destroyed my self esteem. It's really hard to disengage from someone you live with who's also the other parent and not pulling their weight.

I did about 15 years ago. Just switched off and am enjoying life. Children are absolutely fine and benefitting that we just bumble along,no arguments and financially stable. Divorce or separation would be expensive ,tiring and stressful !

You can always get divorced. It’s always an option. Try the quiet quitting see how you and DC do with it. If it works great and if not …. Do gather financials together take a hard look at spending and saving and if you are not working get back to it. Take the time of quietly quitting to get ready for divorce seeing as he likely won’t change