DH showing my "art" without my knowledge

[TheOtherMrs]

I zentangle /doodle for stress relief. This is a private activity, usually involves an audible book or music and zoning out for an hour or so. The result is occasionally shown to DH.

I've just found out he's been taking photos of my sketch book and showing them to a few of his friends because he's "proud of his artistic wife". The sketch book is left wherever I last doodled because I thought he understood it was private, like phones, laptops etc. I feel like he's showing off a private diary and now I want to either stop drawing or hide it.

YABU - DH is rightly proud of his wifes supposed artistic prowess and has every right to show it off
YANBU - he can be proud, but he should have asked before showing to others

YABU. It’s nothing like a diary. It’s a doodle. Hardly a window into your soul.

The fact that you've put "art" and "proud of his artistic wife" in quotation marks, tells me that you're embarrassed by your doodling.

Maybe try to enjoy the fact that your loving husband is proud of you and siphon off some of that pride in yourself.

Yes dear, why are you being all of that stuff? Take a good hard look at yourself! And wash your mouth out with soap.

I'm a writer and the stuff I write to relax/zone out is completely different to what I let other people read. The latter follows a conscious process of editing, re-writes etc to a much higher standard. And the difference is obvious. Why wouldn't I want people to see only my best work? I'm not a toddler whose drawings people coo over out of politeness. You're clearly not a creative so you don't understand this.

@Mrsbeauxjingles I can see why OP doesn't want to show anybody her doodles - maybe husband could show off examples of other stuff that she's actually proud of...

Just out of basic respect he should have asked permission. Pretty shitty not to do so.

I don't think most people would see a sketchbook of zentangles and doodles to be equivalent to a private diary, so I can completely see why he didn't think he was doing anything wrong by showing people your creative work. However, if you don't want him to show people then of course he should respect that and stop now that you've explained you'd rather keep it private.

I’m wondering if this is what my teenage daughters keep showing me. I’m expecting a lovely hand drawn piece of art, and they’re clearly very proud of it. But it looks like the kind of doodle we used to do on word art 35 years ago. Apparently a huge amount of time and effort goes into these drawings which explains why they’re pleased with themselves, but im honestly not sure what to say about them really apart from ‘that’s nice dear’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

You sound like a real fucking delight

I think you showing him blurred the boundaries.
It's sweet and coming from a good place but explain to him it's made you feel uncomfortable and going forward you would like them to stay private

This sounds like it's blowing out of proportion.
I dont consider doodles to be an intrinsically private thing but clearly some people do. So maybe he should have checked. I'm not sure I would have particularly but having been told " please don't share without permission " I'd be sure to check in future.

So I'd say if it was an honest one off mistake where he incorrectly assumed you'd be OK with it and he was simply impresses/proud of what you draw then just tell him that you feel it's private and please don't share. He should respect your feelings and not do that so you can feel safe leaving it around. But no need to get too worked up about it unless he's done it after you asking him not to.

You have misunderstood me greatly OP - as has the poster whose rude reply was promptly deleted by MN. You can read my reply to her, if not, I will re-type.

It is you who has implied that these doodles are not your best work - by being embarrassed to show the world. As I stated earlier, most creatives differentiate between their raw, and polished work. I have not said anything bad about your artistic ability but rather, because you said it was like a 'private diary' and from what I read, the main aim of Zentangle is relaxation. I presumed you were just drawing whatever, without meaning it to look polished.

Your calling my attitude 'shameful' implies that actually, your see these drawings as some of your best work. And are upset when people critique it. Why then, do you think they should be private?

A diary is obviously private, because you're presumably writing down your thoughts as a stream of consciousness, but also private things. These drawings are different. Of course if you were drawing explicit images then it would be somewhat, well not appropriate for the public eye.

You need to identify what it is you don't like. Is it fear of rejection with people critiquing your work, or your husband bragging about you, or you don't want to be known as 'artistic', or you feel additional pressure knowing that others have seen it... what is the problem here exactly?

Of course you don't have to explain all this to him, your no should mean no. It is your work after all. But you're getting very defensive of something you don't want other people to see and done for 'relaxation', so why should our opinion of your artistic prowess matter really?

So do you tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️ it was in response to someone who explained what this app was, and why the op is embarrassed that her husband is sharing her doodles. Like I said, I’ve acknowledged a lot of time and effort goes into the pics. But to use another pp’s example, it’s like someone’s taken a maths book page with 10 thousand squares on it and spent 4 hours colouring in each individual square. A lot of effort yes, I’m not exactly putting them forward for the turner prize for it though. What would your response be to ‘look at the 10000 squares I coloured in mum’? As it is they drew me some stunning Mother’s Day cards yesterday, that was something to be a bit more enthusiastic about 🤷🏼‍♀️ have another coffee and calm down a bit

Nope, he knew it was your way of de-stressing & relaxing, whether fully blown Picasso or doodles.
I paint, I dont show many people, when I choose to, some people say I'm talented.
But I do it for me. Its mine, its private.

You need to tell him You do not give him permission to share your private things with Jo public. Whether its his Mum or work mate.
Tell him he doesn't get Brownie points because its not his to share.

And so do you swearing at people discussing a doodling app? I use it myself, I like trying to recreate sunsets. After about 2 hours it looks like something my 3yo would bring home from nursery after being let loose with the poster paints. Fair play to you for making something nice op. The thing is it’s not a diary and I think Yabu if you’ve blown up at your oh without him realising how you felt. Now that he knows though, obviously it shouting happen again.
@KreedKafer you sound like you’re having a bad day, pm me hun 😘 😂

I feel like he's showing off a private diary and now I want to either stop drawing or hide it.

Or Option C - actually have a conversation with your husband and tell him you don't want him to share it. Simple!

Yes. Because its the only option on MN right?

I couldn't just shrug it off personally, but PP made a very good point, how he reacted would have a huge bearing on things.

I'd probably just have to hide the bloody sketchbook, which would be a shame as its supposed to be a source of relaxation for OP, not stress. And id be wondering if he had still found it and was still sharing them. I've probably lived on my own too long and value my privacy a little too much though!

OP, I had a look at the zentangle method in the early hours when I couldn't sleep. It looks right up my sleep and I totally get it. I'm going to have a go later on!

Anyone sneering or being dismissive, look up Dr Barbara Oakley Focus and Diffuse Mode. Zentangles are prime diffuse mode (the brains problem solving) material.

I don’t think it’s strange that he didn’t realise it was private. Doodles aren’t usually confidential.

What counts is what he does after you tell him you don’t want them shared.

My post was deleted for pointing out that some posters are being deeply unpleasant for the sake of it. Marvellous.

He should have asked, but it's lovely that he's proud of your creative abilities.
Don't be too hard on him, but ask him to ask permission first in future.

So when you explained how you feel about it he has apologised and said that he will not share them again????? Has this happened, you’ve not said.
If he had responded appropriately to your discomfort and promised not to repeat it then it’s done and dusted. Forgotten, move on.
Maybe think harder about where you leave private things.
BUT if he is ignoring what you’ve asked and will continue to do it against your express wishes you’ve got bigger problems.

This is very different to a dairy, BTW, for obvious reasons.

If you were a keen creative writer and he was showing your work I think that would be more of an invasion of privacy and more akin to being like showing people your diary. But doodling and zentangling is highly stylised and not massively personal. It's not like it gives away your innermost thoughts.

He should have asked first.
And its nothing like colouring squares in a jotter , from what I've seen each design is very individual.
Also thanks OP for giving a name to the style of design I like (zentangle) didn't realise that was the name

Sigh. My point is that if I didn’t grasp the extremely personal thing this clearly is for you, because my exposure to it is speeded-up videos of people essentially taking a line for a walk and filling in with patterns as a stress-buster, then it’s perfectly possible your husband also had no idea you viewed these doodles as ‘private’, rather than just a by product of a destressing technique, especially if you left them lying around.

Obviously, if you have explained you want them kept private, and he continues to show them to others, he’s in the wrong, but you don’t say whether you ever made your wishes clear.

Does he actually know this stuff is personal / private? Have you had that conversation with him?

If not, I’m struggling to understand how he would know that it’s off limits if you leave it lying around. It doesn’t sound like it’s something which is obviously personal or like it reveals very personal information about you.

YABU to be so cross imo - just ask him not to in future. He was proud of you and didn't realise your work was private. He did not share your obviously private diary etc. it was a learning curve.