Helping victims of domestic violence

lululimepants · 2024-03-10T22:09:15+00:00

Watching The Push. I'm so angry again. Yet another woman killed by her husband. Yet another woman controlled and coerced by a man who would rather end her life and their unborn baby than let her leave.

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 22:11

How can I help victims of domestic violence?

OP posts:

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 22:34

Bumping

OP posts:

MinnieCauldwell · 10/03/2024 22:40

Contact Womansaid or Refuge, they always need volunteers.

Yellowshirt · 10/03/2024 22:41

Its very hard to help anyone. You just have to be there to support them and make them smile again.
I went through years of it with my now ex wife. It was mainly financial abuse.
Until the police start standing up and supporting victims nothing will change and you never feel like you can close the book on your past.

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 22:46

Yellowshirt · 10/03/2024 22:41

Its very hard to help anyone. You just have to be there to support them and make them smile again.
I went through years of it with my now ex wife. It was mainly financial abuse.
Until the police start standing up and supporting victims nothing will change and you never feel like you can close the book on your past.

I know but maybe if you had somebody to chat to? X

OP posts:

Thatcat · 10/03/2024 22:53

I just watched The Push too. His whole family and his friend were complicit, and supported his abuse of Fawziyah.

That father in law was more bothered about the cost of the engagement ring than he was about the case or the death of Fawziyah or his grandchild. Heartless.

I feel so sorry for her and her family. There’s a tension between her as an independent, educated woman, and then the tradition that she expected of herself - to marry and go live with that family. Going to live with a family that is not your own is never going to be easy - and I’m sure it was that which might have created confusion for her, and also stigma of leaving the family.

Helping people is difficult when they don’t want to be helped, but when they do, BE THERE. BELIEVE THEM. ACT.
Because God knows what they’ve been through to get to that point.

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 22:53

I'm honestly trying to change this. I'm so fucking annoyed that as women we are seen as lesser/disposable by men who aren't fit to lick our boots

OP posts:

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 23:05

Thatcat · 10/03/2024 22:53

I just watched The Push too. His whole family and his friend were complicit, and supported his abuse of Fawziyah.

That father in law was more bothered about the cost of the engagement ring than he was about the case or the death of Fawziyah or his grandchild. Heartless.

I feel so sorry for her and her family. There’s a tension between her as an independent, educated woman, and then the tradition that she expected of herself - to marry and go live with that family. Going to live with a family that is not your own is never going to be easy - and I’m sure it was that which might have created confusion for her, and also stigma of leaving the family.

Helping people is difficult when they don’t want to be helped, but when they do, BE THERE. BELIEVE THEM. ACT.
Because God knows what they’ve been through to get to that point.

I know that really annoyed me about the engagement ring. Your daughter in law is dead and your more bothered about a ring and the police still have it

OP posts:

VeniVidiWeeWee · 10/03/2024 23:16

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 22:53

I'm honestly trying to change this. I'm so fucking annoyed that as women we are seen as lesser/disposable by men who aren't fit to lick our boots

So why do you, as women, choose to enter into relationships with people "who aren't fit to lick our boots"?

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 23:20

Veni I'm happily married. I'm standing up for women who don't have the support I do

OP posts:

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 23:26

And I'm a woman , not women

OP posts:

Original poster

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 23:33

See a guy just derails a thread about DV

OP posts:

Turkeyhen · 10/03/2024 23:50

It was utterly heartbreaking to watch, wasn't it. I will never forget Fawziyah's brave, brave mum.

Practical steps to change things, a few I can think of off the top of my head:

Donate to, fundraise for, or volunteer for one of the many national and local organisations who work to support victims of DA/VAWG.

Raise awareness - social media, blogging, in person, as part of an activist group.

Educate our sons, our daughters, and ourselves about these issues.

Lobby politicians/crime commissioners to make DA/VAWG a priority (see the Met Commissioner's statement the other day)

Work as an IDVA/ISVA, in victim support, or in some other relevant capacity within the criminal justice system.

BobbyBiscuits · 10/03/2024 23:55

Definitely offer to volunteer and fundraise for women's aid or other women's dv support charities. There may be one locally but obviously you won't find the Address of refuges on Google. It's great you want to help. So many women's lives are blighted by dv.

DrinkinghelpsThinking · 10/03/2024 23:55

If you want to help women suffering DV directly, my advice would be to firstly look into training, thoroughly read the literature and make sure you have some really robust therapy in place for yourself if you want to do this over a long period of time. This, like supporting CSA survivors (and many other issues), is very very challenging work and requires hearing a lot of horrific details. Vicarious trauma should be considered and whether you have the bandwidth in your life to do this type of work.

If you want to help in ways that are not as direct, but just as helpful, you could donate items to women’s shelters (clothes, washing products and baby bits are definitely well needed). You could also do sponsored events in the name of your DV charity as usually funding is not adequate. Some get very little funding and all organisations within the field are typically ‘fighting’ for the same funding pot, which gets divided. So, research a charity that you really want to back, perhaps one that relies heavily on donations, and put your efforts into supporting them.

A lot of charities usually have a ‘how you can help/support’ section on their websites too.

DrinkinghelpsThinking · 10/03/2024 23:56

lululimepants · 10/03/2024 23:33

See a guy just derails a thread about DV

Don’t even engage

DanielGault · 11/03/2024 00:05

I'd say pay close attention to your friends and family and try and make it as obvious as you can to them that you're always there, no questions asked, no matter how upstanding or respectable their partner may present as. Try and make it understood between you both that they will always have you to escape to, without any judgement. That's as much as you can do really. It can be a terrible problem with DV that a victim will cover it up and friends and family will go along with that, so nothing changes. If you can let them know there's a way out, they know there's that option at least.

Original poster

lululimepants · 11/03/2024 00:10

Thank you all for your help. Im definitely going to look into volunteering with a charity that helps women escape domestic violence or help support them through the process

OP posts:

Original poster

lululimepants · 11/03/2024 00:34

DrinkinghelpsThinking · 10/03/2024 23:55

If you want to help women suffering DV directly, my advice would be to firstly look into training, thoroughly read the literature and make sure you have some really robust therapy in place for yourself if you want to do this over a long period of time. This, like supporting CSA survivors (and many other issues), is very very challenging work and requires hearing a lot of horrific details. Vicarious trauma should be considered and whether you have the bandwidth in your life to do this type of work.

If you want to help in ways that are not as direct, but just as helpful, you could donate items to women’s shelters (clothes, washing products and baby bits are definitely well needed). You could also do sponsored events in the name of your DV charity as usually funding is not adequate. Some get very little funding and all organisations within the field are typically ‘fighting’ for the same funding pot, which gets divided. So, research a charity that you really want to back, perhaps one that relies heavily on donations, and put your efforts into supporting them.

A lot of charities usually have a ‘how you can help/support’ section on their websites too.

Thank you for your reply I have a lot to think about. It's obviously easy to watch something on tv and decide to make a change/donation etc I have worked as a nurse assistant for 14 years so I'm pretty much bombproof but DV is something that I don't deal with on a daily basis.

OP posts:

mydrivingisterrible · 11/03/2024 01:02

MinnieCauldwell · 10/03/2024 22:40

Contact Womansaid or Refuge, they always need volunteers.

I hate Womans Aid. When I returned to the UK - fleeing DV from another country they said they couldn't help because I'm now safe now I'm in the UK (the woman said they'd recently turned down helping a woman from Canada with two young children on the same principle).

I said "But I'm homeless and in an emergency situation." Apparently so was this Canadian woman. No help available. My ex-husband paid for my flight back so I returned as homeless is pretty horrible

Original poster

lululimepants · 11/03/2024 01:10

Omg, are you ok now? What an absolutely terrifying situation to be in and to get no support from Women's Aid. Im honestly shocked. and appalled.

OP posts:

MinnieCauldwell · 11/03/2024 08:32

mydrivingisterrible · 11/03/2024 01:02

I hate Womans Aid. When I returned to the UK - fleeing DV from another country they said they couldn't help because I'm now safe now I'm in the UK (the woman said they'd recently turned down helping a woman from Canada with two young children on the same principle).

I said "But I'm homeless and in an emergency situation." Apparently so was this Canadian woman. No help available. My ex-husband paid for my flight back so I returned as homeless is pretty horrible

Show quote history

I am so sorry those is your experience. Unfortunately due to the large numbers of women in this country being abused by their intimate partner, there is a long waiting list fo the places in refuges. Those in immediate danger with children really need to be given the room first. Did you present as homeless with children to your local council? I hope you are safe now.