Name changed- what to do if you suspect cheating

[Opinionspleasesir]

Hi, I’m a regular bit changed my name for this.
AIBu to ask what you would do if you suspected cheating, but didn’t have any solid proof. I have this at the mo with my husband of 15 yes. I have no solid or logical reason to think he is/has cheated….just a gut feeling. It’s not something I have experienced before and I am not suspicious or jealous generally (eg don’t care about him going out). All I have is observation of changed book (grumpier and quicker to be annoyed with me), more time at the gym.

Any suggestions?
Anyone else had a sudden gut feeling with no real reason?

Have you asked him outright if he is?

Dont ask him as these cheats as nasty deceivers. If you have children, they will swear on their lives they are not cheating when they are. This is if they are not ready to leave just yet. The other scenario is any questions asked may give them the chance to tell you, its all over.

Be careful as you may not be able to handle the aftermath. However, no one wants to live with a lying, two face deceiver.

There's absolutely no point in asking him.

Does he actually go to the gym? Do you have a way of finding out?

Is he secretive with his phone? Is he spending more money than usual?

I did think of asking, but if he lied he would
then just hide it better no? Also I feel a bit silly because I don’t have anything solid really.

I wouldn’t say he is secretive with his phone, but he doesn’t leave it lying around and I don’t have access to it ever (neither does he mine though).

He does go to the gym. That’s no a lie, I just wonder if the sudden concern about appearance is something and also he goes very frequently and so I wouldn’t know if every time he said he went he was really there.

I feel I’m at an impasse. I have only a gut feeling, but not enough to do anything about because it’s so little it could just be paranoia. There have been other things happening that account for change in mood and behaviour too.

Honestly in my experience normally women's gut is right. I absolutely would not ask the question - but be hyper vigilant. If he is cheating, the guard will be down very soon.

Track him with a GPS tracker. Hide it in his clothes or jacket or car.

Private investigators can also keep an eye on him to track his movement. Take photos.

Hide an Apple AirTag in his car

I had a sudden gut feeling and I was right. I think when you know you know. He will make you think you're crazy/irrational/unreasonable so don't bother asking him straight out. You need to find out another way.

Agree with this. My gut feeling turned out to be true I’m afraid. However I would also casually ask if everything is ok just incase there genuinely is something innocent bothering him.

I wouldn’t ask him outright, I’d just tell him I was suspicious. If he tries to do the “you’re crazy/insecure thing”, (which is suspicious in and of itself) I would say “no, it’s a gut feeling I have every right to feel that I hope is wrong for our family’s sake” I’d let him know that if infidelity is something that might be on the cards then better he has the courage to end things with you now as the alternative is just cowardly.
Then just sit back and quietly watch what happens for the next few weeks.
If your gut feeling is wrong he might realise he needs to make more effort to address whatever is making you feel this way, if your gut is right he’ll be a wild animal backed into a corner and that’s when they make mistakes. He’ll suddenly be acting very guiltily, or his phone will start going to the bathroom with him, and the password changing, that sort of thing.
I’m also petty enough to start adding pressure/smoking him out by doing things like saying “oh my battery is dead, can I just use your phone?” watching his face the whole time, and joining the same gym “I’ve seen how motivated you’ve been with working out recently and I thought we could go together to help me get fitter”.
There are some cheaters (men and women alike) that are very good liars under pressure, these are tough nuts to crack, but IME there are just as many that can’t handle the pressure of maintaining the lies when confronted directly. These ones rely on lies of omission rather than outright lies, or rely on their partner being or acting clueless to what’s going on.

I'd decide it was time to get fit and go to the gym too...

I might try and drop in a surprise trip to the gym with him one evening, maybe as he is walking out the door say oh I’ll come too.

Barely any effort at the moment. Today barely spoken to me. Straight off to gym after work, then at home put kids to bed then worked then straight to sleep. It’s like I don’t exist. It’s getting harder to ignore.