Don’t understand DPs reluctance to move house

[Vernatts123]

Help I’m struggling with my DPs adamant view against moving house.

We are a family of 3 (DP and I 27 and DD 2), we live in a small semi detached we bought 3 years ago for £258k on 10% deposit when we had a combined wage of £45k which was a cosmetic doer upper and we’ve put in effort to improve. However it’s on a busy main road and our neighbours are terrible - the attached one bangs the walls constantly and the other side are drug dealers who happily shout and swear at our guests for parking in the wrong place on the street. Both long term rented with uncaring landlords who refuse joint repairs.

Ive spoken with DP a lot for the last 6 months that although I love what we’ve done with the house , I hate the road and the neighbours and it’s driving me crazy. (I grew up in a quiet quiet town and we live in a big city).

Recently a house around the corner of our part of the city has come up for sale. It’s a cosmetic doer upper (think 1960s decor), nothing more than we’ve done before, it’s. a 3 bed large detached house with a garden triple the size (il a keen gardener) a large garage prime for an extension for baby number 2 and situated on a quiet cul de sac with owner occupied (I know no guarantees but chances are better).

Financially we now earn £80k joint and although we are now paying nursery fees, we are in a much better place long term. The new house is up for £280k. We have enough equity that we could afford most of the updates on this house and extensions in due course. We would need to extend this current house anyways with doubtless party wall issues. I’m a keen DIYer and could probably do 80% of the needed work and 100% of the landscaping.

DP is adamant they don’t want to move. Says they have an attachment to the house as it is their first owned house. I think anxiety around bad childhood experiences moving is playing a factor here and I have tried to listen and be rational but with no positive impact.

I really do feel we are missing a massive opportunity here. These houses very rarely come up for sale in our area and are almost always already developed and flipped before sale. I’m angry that we may miss out and impact our family being able to expand because of DPs anxiety.

AIBU to want to move and be frustrated at DPs adamant reluctance?

Yeah that's a massive problem. Like relationship ending if it can't be resolved.

This

Sounds like they don’t want to progress in this relationship with you

I'd honestly have to consider moving out without them. If you can't afford the other house on your own then one that you can.

Move without him - find someone who has ambitions like you do. Your child will thank you.

It sounds like a fantastic opportunity and your current home is not somewhere I'd want to spend the rest of my life.

How long have you actually been seriously discussing moving? Is your house for sale?
This other property does sound like a good opportunity but there is no guarantee that you’d be the ones to actually buy it? If it’s so great there will be plenty of interest in it and probably from people more ready to move than you?
I would beware becoming fixated on this one property. There are many reasons why you may not end up living there. Your DP is only one of them.
If you want to move then keep looking and discussing and working on a compromise. If my DH can home one day and insisted out of the blue that we needed to sell up and move to this place he’d found round the corner I’d be very anxious and unlikely to agree!

Moving house is hard work and a lot of stress, especially having to do loads to the new property.

You need to decide you want to move before picking a new property and doing it up in your head.

Its his life/ home too.

While I can see why you want to move, I can also see why he doesn't.

If you've just renovated a house, it would be nice to be able to enjoy it for a while without starting again with constant jobs to be done. And renovating with a toddler will be more challenging.

While you may be able to afford it, to what extent would you be stretching yourself? Because with interest rates the highest they've been for a long time and potentially might rise still, just about able to afford something could quite quickly became unaffordable. What if you found yourself not able to pay for the work that needs doing? How will stretching yourself to buy a new house affect your quality of life? Some people might prefer enjoying things such as holidays, dining out, hobbies etc to a bigger house.
I don't think just dismissing your DPs viewpoint as wrong is going to work. You need to actually talk to him about his specific concerns.

I can see both sides - on the one side you are upset and frustrated by the neighbours, on DPs side, 3 years is not an awfully long time to be in a bought home, especially one you've put a lot of work into and it sounds like they do have genuine difficulties with the idea of moving frequently. And moving to another doer-upper is another big ask.

I agree with @meganorks - you need to talk; I'd want to talk about future plans so that you don't feel stuck and DP doesn't feel pressured into a move they're not comfortable with. I think for now you should let this other house go, there will be other opportunities and maybe not fixer-uppers next time. Maybe set up a timetable you're both happy with - eg, let's move in 5 years, next move after we have another child; open the option you could stay longer if, by any chance, one or both awful neighbours move.

We recently renovated our home over 12 months. Thankfully we are really happy here and won’t move for a long time, if ever. However, my DH is so ‘traumatised’ (said tongue in cheek!) following months and months of renovations, he most certainly would not consider even moving again, never mind a new ‘renovation’. I’m a keen DIY’r, DH not so much.

Hes just not ready.

So is this person saying that they are never going to move for the rest of their life?

The 'they' thing is irritating. Not least because men frequently underestimate women's work. You'll do 80% of the renovations but who will look after your child, clean all the fucking dust, do all the packing, organising, clearing, selling, buying new.

DH did all the work on our house and I was default parent for months. Fine because we both decided but not if you don't.

Best thing to do whilst you are young and have the energy and time to do somewhere up.

I would be telling him that you don’t want these types of neighbors round your children and want more peaceful environment and I would insist he at least looks round the other house.