To end my friendship after we slept together

[nedzone]

I slept with a very close friend who pursued me quite heavily after many years of non-romantic friendship. Before that we were always each other's dating advice-givers and wing person.

The sex was neither here nor there but it was very romantic. We spent three nights together and there was a lot of cuddling and kind words.

He is seeing some casually that he is unsure about but who is head over heels for him and is pushing for them to get serious.

I ended up sleeping with him while this woman was on a business trip. They were not exclusive and she does know that.

She then came back from the business trip and they're back to dating and I really don't like it.

It's not a jealous feeling and it's not that awful anxiety that comes with rejection. It's more of a feeling of discomfort that I've now got to have a front-row seat to him moving forward in this relationship, and it feels unpleasant, having slept with him.

As cowardly as it sounds, I want to cut the friendship off before this subtle discomfort I'm feeling turns into something stronger and more miserable. I love my friend dearly but I value my mental health more.

Of course I know it was my mistake to sleep with him, and (counterintuitively) I actually don't know that I'd want a relationship with him. I just no longer feel that I want to be his friend and relationship confidante any more.

I think there is probably an ego aspect of it, where I feel affronted that he would have those few nights with me and then go back to his regular dating life. I can't really piece together exactly what I'm feeling, especially as I'm not sure I'd want him for myself.

My desire for self preservation is prevailing, I think, and I don't think I want to carry on the friendship.

It would be a good idea to probably step back. You are clearly recognising your reaction and the negatives it can cause.
Give him space to grow his relationship, and seek one of your own (if you want to of course!).
You don't need to never speak again, but I think sleeping together and being so close needs to be knocked on the head for the good of all concerned.

Sending a hug , that sounds really tough. There’s not wrong or right thing to do here, so whatever feels most comfortable for you is ok

You are entitled to be friends, or not be friends, with however you like. It sounds like you've thought it all out, and know the effect maintaining the friendship will have on you. Your wellbeing and happiness is important, and you are allowed to make decisions that promote that. Sometimes people think they need permission, but you really don't.

I'd be the same. He doesn't seem like a good friend, he's basically the sort of man who shags around and no reason to approve of that.

You can do whatever you like. If being his friend will just be painful for you, then step back. But be ready for him to be hurt by that.

However, what did you expect to happen? You say you’re upset that he spent those 3 days with you, and then continued dating her. Did you both talk about what it meant? Did you want to continue? Want him to stop seeing her? Maybe really take time to think through those things, see how you feel and what you want from him and then tell him.

He pursued you heavily even though he's seeing someone, (and even though she knows they're not exclusive, he knows that's she's mad about him and wants to be exclusive/be serious) ......

If he'd ended that "relationship" to pursue one with you, I'd understand this..... But he's just kept seeing her (and no doubt conveniently not told her about several days shagging you cause they're "not exclusive").. so why was he heavily pursuing you??

He sounds like a bit of a c u next Tues.

He's ruined your friendship - with a bit of help from you.

I doubt his non exclusive gf would continue with him happily if she knew about this either.

Yes, having done this it seems best you go NC.

This sadly illustrates the lack of male- female friendships that are truly platonic.

It also illustrates the fallacy of non exclusive "relationships".

And it's usually women who get hurt in them.

Sounds like the considered decision of a woman who knows her own mind. Kudos to you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a few causal things on the go, if everyone knows that’s what they are. The woman he is seeing knows and has chosen to continue seeing him under those conditions. The OP knows and chose to spend a few nights with him.

You’ve no idea what he is like when in a committed relationship. Passing judgement is pretty out of order.

We spent three nights together and there was a lot of cuddling and kind words

This isn't even a laid back stoical fwb experience.... It's all v romantic sounding and you said he heavily pursued it. As I said, if he then ended his involvement and continued with you, I'd think "not fantastic behaviour but whatever" ... This is very unfair to both you and her.

That's not his nature at all. He's 100% faithful when he's in a committed relationship. I've seen it many times over the years.

This.

I was in a similar situation once when I was 21 and he dumped me and the friendship was ruined forever. I'm 47 and it still hurts now. He was my best friend. Or so I thought. When you look back you might see that actually he wasn't a great friend after all. I think you are spot on to distance yourself.

has he given any indication that he is even bothered about the friendship continuing

Well then, you took a chance shagging him and being lovey dovey for 3 days that you might catch feelings and want something more afterward, or at least the option of something more, or that at very least you'd feel uncomfortable watching him date if he continued dating as before.. And that's what has happened, he apparently doesn't want anything more, is happy to continue dating etc.

I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable around his gf/fwb, now you've been intimate with him.

And I still think him heavily pursuing you was shit, given his subsequent decisions .. .because it had to have given you the impression he was really into you and the impression he would very possibly stop seeing his fwb if you became intimate/non platonic with him. Now he hasn't done that, no wonder you feel uncomfortable and maybe a bit bruised

oh don’t be daft

he just didn’t tell you about it op

It seems like you feel a bit used and you expected better of a friend.

It's not about whether you want to with him or not it's about the fact he's so indifferent to you after pursuing you.

Yes. Obsessively so, in fact. Which is why I feel quite guilty that I'm considering walking away from the friendship in the interest of preserving my own peace of mind.

obsessively so?

for that reason alone i’d be wanting to distance myself

New to this site and find it very interesting.

Ask your friend not us. She knows you better and she knows him I presume.