To think this is an impossible situation

[Problemnumber99]

AIBU to think life just does not allow for single mums or mums with no dh support that work.

After 8 years I got made redundant 6 months after mat leave due to 'my situation at home'. I went back 4 days and they just resented me doing it. This meant having to get a full time job as part time salaries were too low.

So now I work full time, to just about cover nursery fees and bills, not enough for cleaners etc. My new employer is straight out the 80's, if I have to leave 5 mins early, you take it out your lunch the next day. Dr's apps, you take holiday, car service, you take holiday. I'll use my annual leave up just keeping the wheels on life..

I barely get any sleep, ex doesn't have dd overnight yet as he doesn't have suitable accommodation. He has her eow days until he does later in the year.

We've ended up in A&E 4 times this year, 2 medical but 2 were my fault (putting things in her mouth) and although she was absolutely fine, the guilt is overwhelming. I know if I was more on it and not trying to do everything it probably wouldn't have happened. Plus when you're on your own you panic as there's no one to share the decision making and rationalise. This also means I get the single mum stigma from the hospital, checking her over for bruises and signs of me beating her (which obviously I don't do) plus a referral to ss.

Also getting dragged through family court so that will look fabulous.

Am I a wetty and need to sort my shit out or is this really not possible! I feel and look like a car crash.

Thank you ❤️

Take a deep breath. No its not impossible but can be more tricky. 1st off kids like to hurt themselves, my dd went through a stage of illness and trying to throw herself off things that I was convinced I would end up with my own parking space at a and e and my own social worker. She grew out of it and is now a fairly robust 13 year old. In regards to work start looking for a new job, you don't have to jump straight away but it doesn't hurt to keep your eyes out. More and more companies are much more flexible and many allow hybrid learning. Will the new childcare scheme help you also in terms of freeing up some cash.

OP I've been a lone parent for 14 years.

The early years are definitely the hardest and most costly. You literally scramble through it and I had no breaks, her father was not involved since she was 1. It's really tough without a doubt.

Work wise honestly some industries are better than others for us. I work in Tech and it's really supportive towards family life and very flexible.

You don't have to be technical to work in tech of course, there are non technical functions.

Just an example of course but it sounds like you need to move jobs and find something that's better for you.

Ahhhh op I was on my own working with my eldest 3 for years! It does get easier the childcare costs do massively improve when kids are at school age! Odd for the hospital to do that check over though I never had that?! That also gets easier the foreign objects up the nose consuming things they shouldn’t etc It does all get easier as dc get older your just right in the thick of it at the minute.

As for your boss I’d look for something else tbh I put up with wayyyy too much shit because I was petrified of loosing my job! Don’t stand for it you’ll be better valued elsewhere!

It will get easier I assure you xx

You are doing your best op.
I posted some time back about the archaic rules my boss adheres too and I’m looking for another job.
Can your ex step up more?
Can he do hospital appointments and such?
I know it’s not easy and I’m sure this is one of the reasons people stay in crap relationships.
Your child will appreciate everything you do for them in the long run.

I agree life can be very difficult for single parents and it would help everyone all round if bosses were more understanding.

I don't however agree they should be inconvenienced due to their employees having unsupportive husbands.

It's bad enough the wives putting up with shit men without their employers having to as well, and meanwhile the men just get away with even less responsibility.

I honestly don't know how single parents do it. It's hard enough in a 2 parent house.

Thank you all...gives me faith things will get easier! I think coming home from A&e in the early hours of mother's day compounded it a bit.
All my friends are married and work part time, as much as I know they try, I just don't think they fully get it like other single mums. It's not just the childcare, it's the chimney leaking and a week later the bath plug won't open... Just the little things that mount up!
@jeaux90 thank you, I will look at the tech industry!
@Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions ex is in the military and away for months on end. When he's here he says the army aren't soft with time off like civvy jobs. He's going to have a shocker when he leaves! Good luck with your job search 😊

It's hard when they're really little. Hard enough with two parents never mind one when they're little.

Are you entitled to any UC for childcare costs?

Just keep biding your time. Keep your ear to the ground for new jobs/better employers etc. Basically since my kids have been babies, I've had to lump a lot of jobs I hated and destroyed my mental health because they were what was best for the family. I accidentally fell into a unicorn job in 2020. There are still problems with it, but I will grin and put up with them for the flexibility I now have as a single parent.

Many companies are more flexible now. 4 days or even 3 compressed hours I would look around.

putting things in their mouth leading to A&e trips? What do you mean by that?

This also means I get the single mum stigma from the hospital, checking her over for bruises and signs of me beating her (which obviously I don't do) plus a referral to ss.

This isn’t a single mum stigma, it’s safeguarding a child. If you are genuinely putting things in your child’s mouth that hurts them enough to go to A&e then it’s good they are checking up to make sure your child is safe.

I'm sure op means the child is putting things in her mouth.

A friend of mine had this when he split from his ex - I’ve spoken about him in other threads; she basically abandoned their DC and fled in the night.

He had an absolute nightmare getting to grips with full-time parenting - but he gave it a go and about 2 years later he’s smashing it now. He gets zero support from his ex.

You can do it, it just takes a lot of time to adjust to (from what I’ve seen watching him).

It’s also worth noting that your thread should be about single parents and not just mothers - he’s doing the absolute best he can, whereas their mother is now single and a complete waste of space.

@Deathbyfluffy oh give over. The OP is allowed to post about being a single mum. Lone male parents are rare. It's mainly women carrying the load.

And on the week of IWD and Mother's Day honestly just read the room a bit.

@Overthebow it most definitely is her putting things in her mouth, not me. She watches me like a hawk and the second I drop a ball she's on it.
Yesterday was momentarily, but I googled and panicked.
There is a stigma, and if there isn't, the manner in which they speak to you and ask their questions makes you feel like there is.
I think the shitty parents are avoiding A&e, not going too often.

This was me many years ago. It's hard isn't it? Some days, I felt like superwoman and very proud of myself, with people telling me how amazing I was, and other days, I felt a wreck, in tears, feeling totally overwhelmed and that I was failing my kids and everyone could see it.

All I can say is that it does get better. Always tiring but a bit more rewarding every year. My kids are now adults.

I got cards from both with notes saying that they couldn't have wished for a better mum than me. The tears of appreciation and love made it all worth it.

@vivainsomnia It is so hard! Some days it's just such a lot. I'm glad your kids appreciate you, and what you went through!