Never been acknowledged on Mother's Day

[Queen0fEverything]

I am the mother to 2 dc under 5, my own mother passed away 2 years ago and every year since we have gone up to the cemetery and laid flowers. My husband doesn't even acknowledge that it is Mother's Day and never gotten me a card or flowers "from the dc" and this morning when I came downstairs I said jokingly half laughing "where is all my gifts then" and he just changed the subject to something on tv.
Every year on Father's Day I get him a card and gifts sometimes quite expensive ones, which refuse to do this year at all. It's just so hurtful I'm currently sitting at the table drinking coffee trying not to cry. My husband and I are estranged from his mother as she is a horrible mother and an even more horrible person. There's not really anyone else I can speak to this about and don't know whether I'm just being an overly sensitive fool. It's just that it's such a big day to some people and I feel a bit left out and sad.

Make sure you absolutely don't do anything for Father's day... Do something nice with the dc and leave that pig at home.

Why are you posting about it on here instead of having a rational conversation eith your husband about how your feelings are hurt?

You're now two children in with him and he obviously now thinks this is acceptable behaviour.

I'd have laid down my expectations in advance and told him how upset I was today.

Have you never talked to him about this?
I definitely wouldn’t be doing anything for Father’s Day. Go have a nice day by yourself

Talk to him.
Just talk to him.
Tell him exactly what you are feeling.
Why can so many adults not talk to the other adults in their lives?

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Take the kids out treat them to a cake and tell them about your mum and the relevance of today. It's just a day and the love is there all year.

Leave it a little while and talk to your husband about the love it shows. It could be he just sits with your DCs as they make a card or bake something

If he is estranged from his mother is it something that isn't on his radar as important?
Ok he could be a little more thoughtful as you have DC but it's not something that is important to many people, particularly if they haven't had it modelled to them growing up.

I understand people not buying into Valentine's Day, Mother's Day etc, what I don't understand is you bothering with Father's Day? Just why?

If he has a horrible relationship with his mother he may be in terror that mothers fay transforms you in to her (in a subconscious level). Take care of your own mother’s day for now. Speak to him after and be curious about it. And stop doing father’s day, not punitively but openly and calmly.

“I would like us to express gratitude towards each other and raise the children to be thankful for all we do. But you don’t. So we either observe both holidays or neither.”

It just sounds like it's not important to him and I can see why given what his mother is like. A lot of people don't see the need to get cards 'from the kids' unless they know this is a thing and not everyone does know that, they just think 'well, kids are too young to do anything about it' and not thinking any more of it.

So you need to talk if you haven't already about the fact you'd like some recognition on the day, especially as you've lost your own mum and it would be something for you to look forward to.

I'm not really sure why tbh, I was brought up in a household where I celebrated my mother and my father on those days and made sure it was a special day for them. It's hard to break the habit.

I also don’t understand why for five years you have acknowledged Father’s Day for him whilst he ignores Mother’s Day. It would only have happened once for me. Although having said that, I talk to DH, we discuss whether we are going to be bothering with anniversary or Christmas presents or whatever this year.

LTB

Do you never talk to each other?

Why are you trying to hide your disappointment from him?
He needs to know its his job to get you a card and gift!

So don't jokingly ask where your presents are & then allow him to change the subject & go silent....talk to him! Tell him in no uncertain terms that he's being a dick & you want & deserve some acknowledgement of the fact that you are the mother of his child/ren!! Stop allowing him to get away with being an insensitive arsehole.

You need to talk to him.

You need to clearly explain what you want.

Say that this is important to you and you'd like him to organise the children making cards, a meal out, etc. Whatever it is that you want.

Then , and only then, can you get upset if he doesn't do it

I’m very sorry you have been let down today. Please know you are loving, kind mother and your children adore you.

Please go and talk to him.

Explain how a really simple acknowledgment like a card would mean a lot.

Stop buying him anything more than a token card from the kids. Soon enough your two will be in school and be bringing cards and pressies from there.
You need to express to him how this makes you feel. In the mean time go out and do something fun with the kids.

The stop buying for him advice is all just so miserable isn’t it? You don’t acknowledge my value so I won’t acknowledge yours either. It’s a pretty depressing existence.

I’d rather go down the frank conversation route and ask him why he isn’t acknowledging it. I would also have set expectations earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about fancy gifts, but I do expect a lie in and a cooked breakfast and I make it clear to DH he’ll be the one getting up and doing this on Mother’s Day!

Noooooo. Leave the kids with DH and do something nice for yourself.

What’s he like generally? Is he always neglectful of your feelings? Or is this specifically a Mother’s Day thing? Does he make an effort for birthdays and just in general? If he’s usually a decent bloke have a proper conversation with him about how it makes you feel and how a little bit of effort would go a long way. Breakfast made for you, a card and small present.

Definitely no more expensive gifts on Father’s Day if he doesn’t start doing anything for you.

Why do you not say how you'd like him to help your dc celebrate Mother's Day, just like you help them with Father's Day.

Then tell your dc that it's Mother's Day so come and give your mum a big cuddle and ask them what should we all do for Mother's Day.
Maybe bake a cake, go out for a walk and cake, have a takeaway tonight or pizza and a film or pop out to the shops so they can choose some flowers for you.
Don't be miserable because you have a miserable dh.

You need to communicate with him, don't be passive aggressive. Ask him to help the kids with a card or present or ask him to book a meal out or whatever you'd like. He probably finds it hard due to his own mum but he needs to understand that you make your own traditions.

If he doesn't respond to that then sort it yourself - your kids as they get older can do something for you with some guidance.