Best friend inbalance

[Rachel1509]

Hi all
AIBU to cut ties with my best friend?

I have loved her dearly over about 20 years but for the past 10 the friendship has been very one sided. I’ve been there for her through major life events but don’t feel she’s been there for me.
I am about 10 years ahead of her in terms of marriage, babies ect - when I look back at my wedding, yes she turned up, was a bridesmaid but didn’t go above and beyond or anything, like I did for her. Same with children - when I had my DD she showed little interest whereas I adore hers. She is godmother to my DD - I only found out recently at her hen party that her DD had godparents (and it wasn’t me). Not fussed that it wasn’t me but to not be invited to the christening stung badly.

I text her to check in, she how she is ect - sometimes I don’t hear back for up to 4 weeks. She never instigates the messages - never randomly messages to see how I am.

Should I just accept that the friendship has run its course and take 4 weeks to text back like she does? Should I just accept that this is more than being a shit texter and she doesn’t value the friendship like I do?

YANBU. Just match her effort. Not sure why you adore her dc. Concentrate on people who are there for you.

I think it’s quite weird you say you’re ’ten years ahead of her’ in terms of ‘marriage, babies etc’. Do you think that because you involved her in your wedding etc in specific ways she ‘owes’ you exact recompense by being a particular kind of bridesmaid, or making you a godparent? Is it not just possible to enjoy the friendship, if you do enjoy it?

She doesn’t care as strongly about the friendship as you do but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care at all.

In your shoes I would accept that the friendship isn’t what it once was. I wouldn’t cut ties, she’s done nothing wrong, but I would seek to make and strengthen other friendships whilst remaining in occasional contact with this friend.

I think that’s reasonable. Obviously, if the OP has lost all pleasure in the friendship, it’s dead in the water, anyway, but I certainly don’t think it’s healthy to be looking for signs of her value for you in terms of what kind of bridesmaid she was.

It seems like she's not bothered. But could she feel like you possibly look down on her? Some things in your post make it seem like it. Being ten years 'ahead' of her. Do you mean you are 10 years older, you got married, had kids 10 years before her? If so then there could be a disconnect in your life goals as well.
You don't need to keep pushing the friendship, it seems she hasn't met your expectations in some ways.

Part of me thinks that yes, perhaps this one has run its course. But where is she on the baby thing? if she's got a very young child - you can surely remember what it's like to be all consumed by that? When you had babies, did you perhaps become a bit focused on that and so she withdrew a bit?

Having said all that, I don't blame you for being upset about the christening. I'd be upset not to be invited to my BF's baby's christening.

Thank you for your replies.
We’re only about 3/4 years age difference - things just worked out quicker for me - I was always mindful of her desire for a partner and children and always made time for her away from DD to maintain our friendship.
I do remember what it’s like, the never ending parties and play dates but I always made time for her and don’t feel she does the same for me.
Should I just not be the first to text? Or leave it the 4/5 weeks to reply like she does?

I guess I’m just gutted that the friendship is fizzling out but I need friends who are there for me just as much as I am for them

Yes, stop being the first to text all the time. Let her contact you. She’s taking you for granted so show her you have your own life.

That is very hurtful for you not to be invited to the christening and find out through someone else. I'm surprised that you made her a godparent to your DD if she showed very little interest in her though.

I don't think you are best friends anymore, just long term friends who are at different life stages. You don't have to cut her off, just match her energy and keep her as an acquaintance if you like, and you might become good friends again in the future. Unfortunately it seems that she doesn't think of you in the same way as you think about her anymore.

Thank you
shes my DD godparent because at the time our friendship was strong and if anything was to happen to me I’d have wanted her to have an input into DD futures. Also I way of including her into the life I had that I know she desperately wanted. At that point it was unclear whether she’d have her own children.

Im just hurt but will move forwards matching her commitment in

I would not class her as a best friend if you were not invited to the christening and messages back after 4 weeks. I would not cut her out of your life maybe wait at first let her initiate contact if she wants to.

Step back is my advice, for now.

I have friends like this, we ebb and flow. Some just trickle away, but the good ones come back, depending on life circumstances.

Could it be that you're expecting a bit much from her? You list all the ways in which she falls short, but still describe her as your "best friend" who you "love dearly." Is it possible for you not to cut her off in some definitive way, but to see her as one of your friends, a person you value, with whom you sometimes catch up and have a nice time? That's if you do sometimes enjoy your time with her and value what she brings to your life.

Well I wouldn't compare her support as a bridesmaid/young kids. As she was not married or had kids herself so probably didn't realise any more was expected of her.

But not inviting you to the christening seems harsh. Was it family only? Did you not even know it had taken place? Some people do tend to opt for family members as godparents rather than friends.

I'd evaluate your friendship now and thinking out what you are getting from it vs what you are putting in. It doesn't sound like there needs to be a big dramatic end but if you are finding it lacking you could pull back.

I don’t know her but is it not just a chance she’s different to you? Some of my friends are organised machines and nothing I do would look effort wise like what they do! Doesn’t mean I didn’t try or think about them! Either way if someone asks should they stop being friends with someone they’re not friends anymore anyway, just back away from it all and continue on without them, there’s no need for a ceremonial cutting out!!

A few things. Firstly I wanted to say I understand the disappointment when godparent relationships don't seem to work out

Next, I think that for many friendships in this day and age, they are just different. I think many people have more distant friendships b/c of the demands of work, home, life. I try never to be needy in friendships, to care and make an effort, but it's really okay if former close friends just aren't that close anymore. You can remain friends because of the history you share.

Try to take a step back. Don't see it as her not putting effort in, or disappointing you. More different seasons. Enjoy a couple catch ups a year and don't take the changes personally.

I'm not sure what I think.

The two people in my life that are my absolute best friends both live some distance away, although because I moved a few years back, we get to see each other a lot more. Before I moved, sometimes there might be years in between contact (pre-internet). Just because we were at different stages in life and in very different locations, and none of us have ever really been into phone calls. The friendships though, have always been solid. These are the two people that I know I could rely on if I needed to, and vice versa.

We are in more regular contact now, thanks to Whatsapp, but it would still be completely fine if there was no contact for a month or more.

What would be less likely to happen, is a message to go ignored for four weeks. Are you sending messages that are just 'hey, how are you?'. I can imagine that not being a priority. But if it's 'omg something great/awful happened to me/my family member, and I need to celebrate/vent' and that's being ignored for four weeks, then I would be cooling things off.

Different people seem to have very different approaches to friendship.. I'm lucky in that both these friends and I have a similar attitude, in that we know it will pick up where it left off, even if life gets in the way for a while. Maybe you both approach friendship differently, maybe she's not that bothered or maybe she's just in a very different place in her life to you, and things will pick back up again when her children are older.

I’d say it’s run its course.
I had an epiphany last year with a friend. If I didn’t phone, text or invite I never saw her and I realised that this had been going on for several years. I’ll still be polite if we meet again but life’s too short to waste it on people who are only takers.

The friendship has run its course unfortunately match her energy, which looks like it’s zero! Very hurtful I’ve had similar circumstances myself I don’t bother at all now.

I feel for you, have been through this with a very good friend about 7 years ago. I decided to mirror her effort and input and so our friendship became very detached but she is still my child’s godmother and I know I’ll keep her in my life so I made a big effort not to mind. I saw her recently and we had a really lovely catch up together. I felt very fond of her but I don’t expect anything in terms of effort or contact with me. I am right because she said let’s text eachother and I knew she never would, so I didn’t either. I don’t want to be left hanging.

I am so glad I managed to change my attitude to our friendship - I was much more intense and wanted more contact than her. I loved her and felt she was a true friend but she didn’t feel the same way and I had to make myself take a step back. I am pleased that I managed to do this without nursing resentment or anger towards her so that when we met again I could be straight forward and happy to see her.

Sometimes you do need to take stock of a friendship and think about what the other person is communicating and wanting. Best to reflect their level of interest for your own sake.

I wouldn’t cut her out but I would match her efforts. I would do this knowing the friendship might fizzle out…

I wouldn't fall out with her because she hasn't done anything wrong, but it is clear that whereas you think of her as a Best Friend, she thinks of you as a friend, but not especially close, probably because she was single and socialising longer.

So don't do anything but stop chasing her, and focus on other friendships which are more balanced.

Thank you for posting this. I have a very similar situation, and I am grateful to read the ‘pulling back’ advice.

I am actually increasingly finding the interactions I do have with my friend to indicate that we don’t necessarily have the same values and it is making it difficult for me to communicate with her.

That being said, we have been friends for over 30 years, so I would never willingly bring the friendship to an entire end.

I like the ‘match the energy’ advice.

I stopped being the first to text my best friend of 25 years, after I noticed it seemed to be all one-way following her moving in with her partner.

it’s been another 10 years now. Still waiting for her to text.

Decide whether you are happy with things as they are, or whether you are prepared to lose what you have. I miss my friend still.